Is he starting to come home?

[Ready2Change]

Hi BH,

My understanding is that moving on is what is needed before S realizes what they lost. Then they MAY come back. This is a time of growth for you. H needs to walk his own path in his own time.

Sorry again for your pain, but it will make you stronger.

If you don''t mind me asking, what is the status of the cancer?

*hugs and prayers*

[No Longer BH]

Sara, yes at times my S talks about killing himself and he is only 9. I have him talking with a child therapist and I am trying to instill some meditation and mindfullness into his life. We are working very hard at over coming his panic attackes. My S is VERY intellegent and has taken the seperation of his parents very hard. The first thing he asked my H when H told him he was leaving was "Dad, if you get a divorce and remarry, are you going to have more children? I dont want to be the family you left behind." He was barely 8 when he said that. I am trying very hard to be his support and we talk in great detail. With all of the changes that are occuring in his life, the changing of schools has also been very difficult. I think he is finaly coming to a stronger place because he can see that no matter what I will be there for him as long as I can. Thank you for your concern.

Ready - there was a time when I would have just about done ANYTHING to try and show my H that he should come back. This is his journey and he has NO remorse for anything he has done. He calims to feel bad, but continues on with those same actions. The fact that he still continues to have a relationship with OW while claiming to be working on himself tells me he has not changed. I have, though. You can not go through what I have gone through and not see things differently.

I had a CAT scan last week and just found out the results Friday. I emailed him that I had the results but needed to process the info before sharing it with him. He responds by going to happy hour with friends then sleeping with OW who really he is not a relationship with (sarcasm). Sick, isnt it? My results are that the primary location of the cancer has shrunk (great news) but there is concern that it might have spread because of a spot found elsewhere. I am going in for another biopsy the morning that I have mediation. If it turns out to be nothing, then the treatment is working. If it is a second location of cancer, then my chances of surviving 2 years are slim. H knows all of this as well. I already told him that if it is spreading, I am done with treatment and will enjoy the time I have with as much peace as possible. I think that because I heard this from the doc on Friday I was more emotinal on Sat after finding out he slept with her again. That is why I sliped with all of the things I said. Heck, I should not even call it a slip. That implies that I am trying to DB at this point and I no longer am. I am just trying to move on with as little emotional pain as possible.

I feel like if my time here is limited, I do not want to waste it on someone who is unwilling to give me the love I deserve. I do miss being held and told "I love you" but I can be happy without this from him. I have wonderful friends and family, so no matter what I will be ok. I cant help but wonder, though, if things do turn out badly, what kind of father will he be to my S? He has already shown how he is putting HIS needs before anyone else. How can I trust him if I am gone? I hate that I even have to think this way. Here is something even more twisted....he is now using my cancer as a way to gain sympathy from friends and co-workers, even though they all know he wants to D me. I truly just have to let him go because he is much sicker than I could ever be. He needs to find his own path out.

Thank you for all of your support. I am truly fine and have not let this set back change my happiness. I knew I was gambling with my heart when I kept hoping as much as I was. It was worth it even though it did not work out. I feel at peace knowing I did EVERYTHING I possible could to make this work. He still continued to walk away. Now, I am stepping onto a different path, one not focused on him anymore. I think this is what acceptance is all about. I am not leaving this board because I think that I can help other to avoid the mistakes I have made. I am just leaving piecing. Hope you can all stop by every so often and lend a supporting hand, I'm going to need it. You have been a wonderful source of strength and wisdom to me. Thank you for that.

[Ready2Change]

HI BH,

My prayers are with you....


DB your butt off for YOU!!! Do all the 180's you can. Live each day to it's fullest!

*HUGS*

[No Longer BH]

Ready, I am no longer going to be doing things for him....everything is going to be about me and my son. I cant just keep hanging on hoping that one day he will wake up. I am losing too much precious time by doing that. There will be no more DBing from me. I will continue to be kind towards him, but I will no longer be doing anything for him. As much as I missed them, the hugs have to stop. As much as I wished it meant more, having glasses of wine together has to stop. There will be no more conversations about how his life is going or how mine is going, he is not my friend.

He was doing all of these things in order to make himself feel good about who he is. It relieved his guilt, tht's all. The fact that he started to do these things right as he began to sleep with OW again tells me so much about who he is right now. He has apologised in the past for the A and said he knew it was wrong. When I asked him why he is doing it again he said that it was wrong then, but our M is over so it is not wrong now. I cant fight for a person who would be this way at a time I need him the most. My energy needs to be directed elsewhere.

Thank you for your support and prayers. I appreciate it very much. By the way, I still plan on looking darn cute EVERYTIME I see him. Just because I am no longer DBing doesnt mean I dont want to rub it in his face a little what he chose to leave.

[NikB]

((BH))

Sorry about the OW thing.. that had to sting.

I see that I have been making accuses for his behavior by labling him MLC.

SUCH a common mistake, and it really keeps people stuck. I think it's great that you recognized this.

He left me, he does not get to have a special connection to me. I can not handle that in a healthy way.

Also great that you recognize this.

I told myself that if he did this to me - tried to pull me in, lied to me then pull the rug out from under me, I would close the door.

Careful here... he didn't do this to you, you did it to yourself. I don't recall him ever telling you that he was thinking of trying again. You saw lots of positive signs, and you got your expectations and hopes too high. At least, that's how it looked from here. I may have missed something? I saw lots of positive signs, but never an "I want to come back."

(((BH)))

I am droping the rope that was my lifeline to him.....he has to now be on his own. I will not be mean or cold towards him, just completely indifferent for my own sake. Thank you everyone for all of the support you gave me. I truly did believe I was going to ba a success but after hearing his words and seeing his recent actions, I was foolong myself. Now is the time to heal the rest of the way.

Good!! This needed to happen regardless of the outcome.

That implies that I am trying to DB at this point and I no longer am. I am just trying to move on with as little emotional pain as possible.

That's part of DBing, too... detaching, allowing you to get through that emotional pain better.

He was doing all of these things in order to make himself feel good about who he is.

Careful... you don't know this. No ASSumptions.

I am so sorry to hear that the cancer has potentially spread, that must be so scary. I'm glad you'll have an answer on that soon. (((BH)))

[No Longer BH]

NikB, you are right, I did do this to myself. I did allow myself to think all of these little signs meant something, that they were babysteps. I have even said to friends that I am not angry at him, but me for allowing myself to backslide like that. Even today he continues to reach out to me, but I have to go my own way for the moment. I see that I am not detached enough to be in a healthy place with him yet. I have to let the hope go before I can be giving towards him. That way I will not be looking for signs, I will just be doing it because I am a nice person. Thanks for the support, I really needed it. You are providing much hope here to people who do not see enough success. Thank you for that.

[NikB]

NikB, you are right, I did do this to myself. I did allow myself to think all of these little signs meant something, that they were babysteps. I have even said to friends that I am not angry at him, but me for allowing myself to backslide like that.

(((BH)))

Try to go easy on yourself, OK? It's normal, and I know how you want to keep that hope alive so badly.

I DO think they were positive steps, just don't let yourself get caught up in them.

Even today he continues to reach out to me, but I have to go my own way for the moment. I see that I am not detached enough to be in a healthy place with him yet.

Great realization!!

I have to let the hope go before I can be giving towards him. That way I will not be looking for signs, I will just be doing it because I am a nice person.

Yes, let it go.

Does that mean you're totally shutting and locking the door? Or is it still open a crack, if he wants to peek in? Don't need to answer this right now, I just wanted to throw that question out there.

Thanks for the support, I really needed it. You are providing much hope here to people who do not see enough success. Thank you for that.

You're so very welcome!! I'm glad that I've been able to help in some way.

Hugs to you.

Can you do something to pamper yourself today or tomorrow? I think you could use it!

[stella_k]

Hey BH!

I've written a long post to you and it just disappeared a minute ago, must've pressed a wrong button...

Here is the short version.

I can relate to every word you've written here!
My H is so nice to me, it hurts... Now that he's openly living with OW he allows himself these acts of kindness and shows how much he cares .

You're really an inspiration, the way you refuse to be dragged back into hoping, believing and seeing baby steps in everything he does.
You're doing great and I really admire your strength and clarity.

And I wanted to let you know that you're in my prayers.

(((((HUGS)))))

[No Longer BH]

Thanks Nik and Stella. It has been so wonderful to have so much support. I really hate to leave piecing because you guys have been so great to me. Wondering if I should just go to divorcing or infidelity (been there once already and did not make many connections there). Maybe I should be in MLC??? I just wanted to post something I have been thinking about here for a little while and get everyones opinion.

First, I just have to say that my H is still trying to reach out and be my friend right now. Still getting emails where is checking up on me and joking with me. It makes it so hard to let go, but I am trying to be detached in a kind way. I have to protect my heart at this point.

There are two different camps of reason out there concerning infidelity and I just dont know which one to subscribe to. The first says as long as he is w OW, there in no chance for R. He will be cake eating a relieving his guilt by acting kind towards the LBS. The best set of action is to go NC so that he can see what he is missing. Well, I did try that and it ended with him pulling his paycheck from the bank account and being incredibly hostile towards me. It was an ugly place we were at then.

The second school of thought says dont give OW a moment of thought. In fact, become the OW. Show him what he is missing by being his friend and flirting with him. Dont close the door, but create mystery with your actions. The fact that he is acting kind is because he is testing the waters. He is not sure he is done but is still trying to convince himself he is. Always be nice and upbeat around him so it makes the walking away even harder. I tried this as well and I got sucked into believing that every little action was a babystep and that meant he was going to come home one day. Kept me WAY to connected in a very unhealthy way. My heart could not take hoping that much just to have him marry OW.

Ok, now here is my school of thought: Always be nice and upbeat around him because it makes ME feel better, knowing I am a good person and still capable of having compassion with someone who may not deserve it. Look as cute as possible because it makes ME feel good and confident, not doing it for him. If it makes it hard for him to leave, good because he needs to feel anguish over what he has done. If not, then he is a shadow of the man I knew and I dont need the new him anyway. Go NC when it comes to my personal life and dont care about his personal life, it no longer concerns me. This way I get to detach and heal but dont feel like I am being a mean angry b!tch in the process. I'm not going to pay attention to OW because I know she is a bandaid. If he moves on with her then he will get what he deserves, and he clearly does not derserve me. I truly believe that he is suffering tremendously from his guilt because of the things he has said. Good. I do not believe that my acting with kindness is going to make that go away. He knows what he did and he will have to live with it for the rest of his life. I am no longer going to reach out to him, that is over. No long talks, no glasses of wine, just friendly "Hi, how are you doing" kind of stuff. I am going to focus on giving to me and my S only. So, what do you think? Personally, I feel that I will be divorced by May of next year, but it no longer scares me because I have been alone for 2.5 years already.

My brother keeps telling me that I need to sign up for some dating websites. He said it was not to go on dates, but to meet new friends. He said that it would really help me to finally let go because the one thing I fear is that I will never have a relationship as good as the one I had with my H when it was good. He says I need to see that there are really great people out there and that does not mean I jump right into bed with any of them. I am not ready for that. What do you think? I admit the thought both terrifies me and excites me. It would be nice to feel desired again, but I am not ready for any kind of R at all. Still, meeting new friends is not such a bad thing either. Thoughts?

[Ready2Change]

Ok, now here is my school of thought: Always be nice and upbeat around him because it makes ME feel better, knowing I am a good person and still capable of having compassion with someone who may not deserve it. Look as cute as possible because it makes ME feel good and confident, not doing it for him. If it makes it hard for him to leave, good because he needs to feel anguish over what he has done. If not, then he is a shadow of the man I knew and I dont need the new him anyway. Go NC when it comes to my personal life and dont care about his personal life, it no longer concerns me. This way I get to detach and heal but dont feel like I am being a mean angry b!tch in the process. I'm not going to pay attention to OW because I know she is a band aid. If he moves on with her then he will get what he deserves, and he clearly does not deserve me. I truly believe that he is suffering tremendously from his guilt because of the things he has said. Good. I do not believe that my acting with kindness is going to make that go away. He knows what he did and he will have to live with it for the rest of his life. I am no longer going to reach out to him, that is over. No long talks, no glasses of wine, just friendly "Hi, how are you doing" kind of stuff. I am going to focus on giving to me and my S only. So, what do you think?

YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!!!!! BEAUTIFUL!!!!!


*HUGS*