Advice-Husband moved in with OW(I'm a Newby)

[hope3343]

Hi T2L
thanks for you kind words. I thought I would be the one cheering you up. My heart went out to your little guy who came home from the party because he was worried about you. The kids are the victims of their selfishness. My day here was not the best. He came to the soccer game and sat with me. I was just not up to it today. I sat there and talked little. then after the game (we lost 3-0) he asks what I am doing tonight. I told him nothing. He says I made plans to go to the Comedy Club with some of the guys (right?). He said after last night when I gave him such a hard time he wants to go out and have fun. This is a guy I could not drag out of the house on the weekend. I told him well have a good time and why doesn't he just bring a date. He swore at me and left. I took D15 and friend out to eat on the way home and when I got her he is already gone. Then he calls me. He says is D going bowling. I tell him yes and I will be here. I ask what time show is he going to, and he starts mumbling oh I might just go out to play pool or whatever. This drinking thing is getting old and dangerous. He then tells me I should go to this class. i tell him no. We argued and I tell him that apartment hunting and going to a class doesn't make him father of the year. How could he be happy leaving us - leaving me? My D came out and gave me a hug. She is the smartest one here. I swear to you tomorrow I am following DB to the letter. I hate the way I feel. It is hard for me to make plans. I do not know too many people here except work people we both know. The good news is that I do have plans tomorrow. A new friend that is not from work invited me over for coffee. I am disappearing for the whole afternoon. Need to escape. So you salsa dance? How cool. I could learn country dancing but I am not a country type girl! I miss the East Coast, I miss my family/friends there. It is just my D and myself -- on our own. I will read the link you sent me. This message board is turning into a blessing for me. I hope you are doing well this weekend. chat soon. k

[Trying2live]

Hope 3343,
Yes read the book and do the book and GAL. Sign up for dance lessons or something you enjoy. It really helped me. Bet your spouse won't like it either. Mine didn't. In fact when he visited the kids here at the house and I happen to leave during salsa(which I planned it that way ha ha) he seemed bothered. I didn't even say where I was going. He had to ask my daughter. He was oh wow, like he didn't care but I think he did.

That's whats to important about GAL. It's good for you and it's good for them to see you moving forward. My husband didn't expect for me to do that. So I'm going to find more things that he doesn't expect me to do. That's what I think by what they mean as attractive. Do something out of character(of course nothing nutso) but something that is opposite of hey poor old me waiting around for you. Dance class or join a gym. My H was making comments to my daughter about my weight loss-which seemed to bother him too_yesssssss! And I'm purposing to lost a little more and get in better shape.

Next time he throws out an invitation, don't take it. Say oh sorry I can't have plans-and be gone. be gone when he is there and expects you to be home. Go get coffee or something. One time I went to the book store up the street and read for 2 hours while he visited the kids-guess what he was particularly bothered that day and made more than normal stupid comments.

You see I think these guys or gals, want control, power and attention. That's not healthy. This is really good because while I'm telling you I'm getting it too -whoo hooo. Someone posted on my thread to stop giving him so much attention and focus on myself and I think I just got it. Yes I hurt and yes I cry-and that's healing. Does this make sense? They expect us to be doormats and to never get over them but guess what seems to happen when they think we are moving on. They start to question there selves.
I just realized yesterday that when my H sends me all these crazy emails that when I pour out my heart and beg him to stop he gets attention(and negative attention) so I'm not going to do that any more. Now I'm simply going to reply hey that's funny good stuff and drop it and wait to see what will happen.

Please read the book again and get more literature to inform your self. Possibly Love Must Be tough by Dr. James Dobson(excellent book on Affairs) and also Dr. Willard F. Harley Surviving an Affair. Read Read Read and GAL.

Your doing fine, this is not an easy thing your going thru. Be as confident as you can and yes I know its hard cuz I haven't mastered it yet. But they need to see us this way. Your right on track. Be encouraged, this to shall pass. When I don't know but we're gonna be the stronger for it. Like they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[hope3343]

T2L, thanks for the support today. Your right when we give advice to others we are helping ourselves. I have been walking the beach most nights. We live on an island and it is paradise here. Not the way you picture Texas, all palm trees and water. I walk for at least an hour a night. It does help. But I need to get out and not be around. I am back home tonight and he is out and I have no idea if he is even coming home and if so what condition he will be in. That link you sent me was right on. Could it have been written about our H's? LoL. Your right about not accept any invitation with him. He asks me all the time at work to go to lunch with him and then it turns to finances, moving etc. I am just not going any more. I also am going to check out a gym. I have been losing weight and need to lose much more so a gym would be a good place to start besides walking. Then it will give me a place to disappear and I can take D also to spend some time with her. Let's commit to totally GAL. Its a promise! It will be my # one priority. I will also say a prayer for you and your family. I am an Italian Catholic and we always believe in the power of prayer. take care.
______________________________________
Me - 52
H - 49
Married - 21 years
D15
D28
I'm not happy 7/27
Looking at furnished apts

[Trying2live]

I read this from an excerpt from a book I may buy tomorrow. It's by Dr. Willard Harley, Surviving An Affair, the quote is:

"As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice. "

[JGrind]

Hi! Another newby here. I read your original post and almost thought I was reading my own. This is actually my very first, so bear with me if I dont get all these abbreviations right. Anyway,My heart goes out to you , I feel your pain in so many ways. Seems like we both have much in commom: We're about the same age with children similiar ages. My H left me and the children about 3 months ago and I also did not see it coming. I thought we had a good marriage- we've been married for almost 16 years and together for 21. He has always been my best friend and now he tells me how hurt and unhappy he's been for some time, saying I've not been there for him emotionally and intimately .By the next evening he was officially moving out , and by July 4th he confessed EA with a woman with whom I considered a friend , hanging out at our sons' little league games for the last 5 years (My H is coach of the team). We even had evenings out with her and her H. Her and I even graduated high school together! So I am feeling DOUBLE betrayed. You said your H has been drinking a lot to cover guilt? My H has drank as long as I've known him and Ive always expressed concern, but he's always rationalized it away , so I backed off, thinking that maybe I was overreacting, after all, he has held a job, has never been abusive in any way, and is rarely obviously intoxicated. But over the years I've noticed him putting away more and more of the beer - usually a 12pk every evening. He said he has been drinking himself "to oblivion" since feeling this way ,and after successfully having quit smoking 4 years ago , is now chewing. He admits he thinks he is a functional alcoholic. Even if we never reconcile, I am so concerned for him. I too am in constant sorrow, frequently blaming myself. I was diagnosed with depression Nov '07 but didnt tell my H because I was ashamed and didnt want him to take it personally. But now, looking back, he was already taking things personally. It's so sad , each of us in so much pain, but couldn't confide in one another about it. And now, I just want him more than ever because I know the man he truly is. Right now I don't even know him. He's said and done so many hurtful, cruel things since he's left. I'm sure he's doing this purposely. It's like he's trying to "get me back". But the difference is, I never purposely tried to hurt him . I was exhausted , overwhelmed, distracted, unable to focus , and feeling guilty for it.I did not recognize that this was the depression taking over until I saw my doctor about it.It was never the real me, but I can't explain that to him - he won't hear of it. He says it's too late. He says I knew of his issues ,but chose to turn away and not address them. He says "I shouldn't have to leave you to get my way, and no matter what you do or say, I will always think you're being forced to do it". How are your children dealing with this? Mine had no inkling anything was wrong, and the first weekend they stayed with thier father, the OW spent the weekend there with her boys! How confusing and sad for them. Theyve always seen the OW as a friend, and now she's dad's girlfriend? He wants the kids 50/50 and the kids want their father, but they rarely have time with him without her and her boys around. She's befriending my D and S14 hates her and the way his dad acts around her. She drinks also, so I can just imagine. We have to tell ourselves that our H behavior is more a reflection on them than it is us- and alcohol definitely has an effect. We can only change OUR behaviors and attitudes. You have not spoken to your family about your situation? It took me about two months after H left to talk to my closest family members. I was ashamed and didn't want them to look at H differently if we did reconcile because they've always loved him. They were angry , but also sad for me , for him , and for us. They understand and support my determination to make my marriage work (except my parents- they say DIVORCE HIM if he's commiting adultery - they are very "ten commandments").But no matter how each of them feels about the situation, they have been a great help, especially with my children, and I wouldnt want my children to have to suffer through this without outside support from close family. Strong, resilent individuals cannot hesitate to let others know they need support. And that is an image we want to portray to our H - strength and resilience - right? Sorry to go on, and on. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Hope to hear from you and others soon. I pray with my children every day to take care of us, make us strong, and to please watch over daddy. We will pray for you too. God bless.

[marisol35]

JGrind,

My heart goes out to you too! It is the absolute worst to find that the OW is someone you know (most of the time it usually is). And this OW has a H too! That is crazy.

The OW for my H first affair was also married. She had 3 kids but my H did not want to be a father to kids that were not his so that did not last. His second affair that is currently going on the OW is 21 and she had no kids so he is living it up because he has no responsibilities. I believe that is one of the reasons he moved out so quickly. He did not want to move out when the first affair happened because he knew that woman was going to come around with her kids. He says him and the 21 OW are not living together but I beg to differ. The first night he was in his rental house she stayed the night with him. I know because his son told me.

My parents also say the same. They are so disappointed with him. My H and I have known each other since high school so my parents have been through a great deal with him.

I have talked with my closest cousins, aunts, and friends. Some say leave him, others say its my decision, one day I think of just starting over but other days I just can't see my life without him and that I know he will come around. Its so hard.

The most important thing is to be there for your kids. I have a D16 who is angry just like your son. She wants nothing to do with her dad right now and refuses to talk to him.

Its like our H believe that there is something greener on the other side especially when they find comfort, lust, attention, or whatever you want to call it in these OW instead of making it greener with us right? My H is in an illusion right now with his 21 OW who is full of energy, always ready to go, knows how to have fun, etc... Its only a matter of time before she cheats on him or he does it to her. But then I think, after that happens and lets say he wants to come back why should I take him back? Why should I be the second choice when that R ends? I should be first. I should be the one he leaves her for not because she left him. I am worthy of a man who wants me for me not because I was his backup plan.

What are your thoughts?

[JGrind]

Just submitted my first post earlier.Starshyne, what part of St Louis are you from? Im from Imperial (south of St Louis). Oh, and I also forgot to submit my "stats"

me- 36

[JGrind]

OK, lets try this again!

me-36
H- 38
S-14
S-11
D-11
IDLYA bomb dropped 6/18/08
H moved out 6/19/08
H confessed EA and asked for D 7/4/08

[hope3343]

Hi T2L, JGrind and Marisol, I feel very comfortable in this thread with others like myself! It is really shocking when we realize how disruptive this is to our very being.
T2L, as promised I GAL all day. You would have been proud. H came home at 1:00 am very quietly but I could smell the alcohol on him. When he came into bed I wanted to rip him but didn't I just said Good night and went back to sleep. In the morning he asked me to go for coffee and at your suggestion again I said "no" I am going to make some coffee here because D15 asked to go to church today. He then asked what time Mass was and he said he would go with us????? He came to mass and the sermon was about Loving our selves first and then the priest went on about commiting adultery to try and value ourselves and then went on to talk about abusing our bodies with alcohol and drugs. Then he said that all these things put you against God's plan. I look over at H and he looked like he was going to cry. My D after Mass said Mom what a coincidence that the priest was talking about drinking just like Dad. I said it was no coincidence but maybe God's plan. He then asked us out to lunch which I did go because D15 went with us. Then I went home and had made plans with a new friend and left at 2:00 and did not return to 7:30. After I left my new friend for coffee I went to the store then a walk on the beach. Never called H but called D15. I came in a really good mood and he kept looking at me but did not ask too much about my day even though I could tell it was bothering him. And the best part was he actually stayed home and trimmed our palm trees (first work he has done in the house for months) I was shocked. I just said what a great job he did. He is now in the bedroom watching TV. This is the first day he did not talk about leaving/finances/I am not happy. This was a DB day. Tomorrow? who knows but for today I made my mark. I actually felt calm first time in a month.
This is why this message board is sooooo important for us. When things go really bad the support is there, when we have even a small success we can share and encourage each other.
Another thing I want to mention, my new friend who has been divorced for about 3 years told he she heard her ex is having big regrets because of the divorce. How sad, could their marriage have been saved through DB? my friend told me her therapist thought that divorce should be the way to go. She now wonders. what a shame when i hear that kind of story. Lets do a big group hug {{{{{{{hugs to all}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Trying2live]

Hope3343,
Awe thanks for the group hug. I'm soooo proud of you! You did it! I know he was wondering. Keep it up GAL!!!!! That's awesome. That's what attractive. I know that your husband is wondering. And the best part beyond what he thinks is that you felt empowered and calm for the 1st time in a while. It's because you had the control instead of waiting on his every move and he had the control. Keep going. Find hobbies, do the gym, keep him guessing and your getting stronger the whole time.

Marisol35. I can totally relate. I feel like I'm not some dumb back up plan in case it doesn't work out for you. You know what guys, it's only been4 months since I found out and yeah I miss him terribly and have bouts of loneliness and then sometimes I feel like why on earth would I want you back. Your living with her and you lash out constantly your not even in the friend category. I'm trying to hold out but boy it's getting hard. My mind goes nuts and wanders seeing them together and happy and being a family. So hard. So tired of thinking. Did you guys get to read that article I posted? Got feedback from friends they were blown away by it. If not its here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930501-000027.html

Feeling a bit down today. Really wish I didn't want him. Almost no contact with him. Just hard, but you all know this. I like our thread to feels like fam.....