Trying to pick myself off the ground enough to at least start getting my balance back. It's inch by inch right now. Luckily I know it will get better at some point & I will have a more positive outlook.
Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've ever experienced, that it was my birthday didn't help matters much.
The day began with flowers & a banner across my front gate wishing me a happy B-Day, along with calls from friends & family.
H calls in the morning & asks me to please get S5 geared up for a phone call with him when he calls back in 20 minutes. The night before when he called to talk to him, my neighbor was over & he could hear S5 laughing & having fun so when I took the phone to him, he said he didn't want to talk to him. "Why do I have to talk to daddy everyday?", said as he took the phone. Anyway, I guess that didn't go over well because the next day there were no Happy B-Day wishes for me.
He was attending a funeral out of town & due back in the afternoon to take S5 for the night & us out to dinner.
Next phone call, also no B-Day greetings. I finally ask if there's something going on & he tells me he isn't prepared to say it yet, but will be later in the afternoon when he sees me.
My little voice is screaming to pay attention, I just didn't know exactly how.
Saturday nights are usually spent w/OW & maybe there was something going on from that end, b/c the "pick a fight" script was pretty apparent.
Dinner was a disaster...distant & uncomfortable. I didn't even recognize this man across from me saying "I don't want to order wine b/c I don't know anything about it anymore, but you can order some if you'd like." He drank a non-alcoholic beer, but did join me in having a glass later in the meal in what turned out to be the only 15 minutes of enjoyment.
The gist of it was him telling me as we arrived back at the house, that he would just let me keep S5 for the night instead of sleeping at his place. I told him it looked like he had other plans the whole time.
It went way south from there with him saying I was a c*nt all evening. what did I expect. A little later it was, "You're just angry that it's been 16 months & I was boffing (sp?) another woman, well actually, I still am. You bet." Pushed me out of the way & said, "I'll call the police if you touch me again??"
All of this in front of S5 & seemingly nothing I could do to stop it.
Since it was so out of context & over the top, I think OW may have given him an altimatum. Doesn't really matter why.
Shows up this morning at the front door, arms crossed, "I'm here to p/u S5. Oh, & I'll be keeping him for the night tonight too. After your behaviour last night, he'll be spending a lot more time with me, I'm his dad, it's my right."
"It's all you J, I tried to have a nice time at dinner & you just couldn't keep it together. See, we're like oil & water, you & me. Look at S5's eyes, it's all your doing."
I said, yes, when you started your affair & left, our R has not seen much positive light, you're right.
H-"I did not leave you because of another women, I left because you treated me like a piece of cr@p."
Anyway, this felt as scripted as the day of the bomb.
Out the door for some serious attempt at enjoying a beautiful day.
Sunny
Hi Dave, How was your trip? No response on the Retro, It looks like he made it a mute point w/justification of it being hopeless in our case.
All of this in front of S5 & seemingly nothing I could do to stop it.
Since it was so out of context & over the top, I think OW may have given him an altimatum. Doesn't really matter why.
"It's all you J, I tried to have a nice time at dinner & you just couldn't keep it together. See, we're like oil & water, you & me. Look at S5's eyes, it's all your doing."
I said, yes, when you started your affair & left, our R has not seen much positive light, you're right.
H-"I did not leave you because of another women, I left because you treated me like a piece of cr@p."
OMG--I had this same conversation! Small difference--H denied an affair even though I had written proof. However, all the other factors were there, including blaming me for our D's trauma when it was he who left. Two days after starting an affair. I discovered the affair on my birthday. And I agree with you--seeing the devastation on D's face, feeling devastated myself, and then being blamed for it all was the most painful thing I've ever experienced.
I think it's simply how they handle their guilt. They project all the problems on us, claim to be completely innocent victims, and if they can't come up with a fault in us they'll manufacture one, no matter how outlandish it is.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I really hope when our H's get dumped by their OW that it hurts just about as bad as they've hurt us--which it probably will because they'll realize what they tossed out the window in order to be in a relationship that failed.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Hmama-Not surprising that you've heard almost the same thing, the script is about the same when there is an affair. Just more shift the blame/revising of history.
I do think my H brought it to a whole new level the other night, one that I don't see that often here, although I've read some pretty incredible stuff.
I've been over to your thread, but it's locked right now so I couldn't post.
I'm still looking for that update L. Thanks for thinking of me.
Like one of my friends asked, "Now, why did you think going out with H was a good idea on your BD?"
Well, actually, I had changed my mind after his phone call in the morning & thought better of it until I ran it by someone who said it may be rude to cancel at the last minute. Up until he arrived in the afternoon I thought I would cancel, but did nothing, so off we went.
It continued the next day when he arrived to P/U S5, telling me he was going to be keeping him overnight since he didn't get to have him the night before & there's not a thing I can do about it. The only thing he regrets about the night before is the boffing comment, he only said that to hurt me by throwing it in my face. Didn't apologize though, not sure that one would matter anyway. I just let him storm & bluster around gathering stuff together, trying to stay calm & stay out of his way.
A couple hours later I got a VM saying he'd have him back by 5 or 6pm.
Nothing all day, although he'll be here to p/u S for dinner soon.
I don't think I can make a recovery from this, it was just too brutal. He definitely degraded himself & I can't picture getting back to a place where I respect him again.
My 5yr S had the right idea though, "Mommy, are you sad b/c daddy ruined your birthday."
I said I was a little sad, but I'm not now.
"Well, are you going to have another one? If you do, you can have a good one next time."
I think it's simply how they handle their guilt. They project all the problems on us, claim to be completely innocent victims, and if they can't come up with a fault in us they'll manufacture one, no matter how outlandish it is.
I agree , that whole eposode was not about you Sunny but about your H and the mess he has made of things.
Back to the basics of concentrating on you and your kids .
My trip was great , if a little tiring , met friendly considerate people everywhere . I will update my thread one day.
"I left papers for you on the counter, I didn't know what else to do."
Funny how this event coincides with 3 huge checks (what I made in a year of being a flight attendant)made out to both of us from the government that I received last week. It was only last Friday that I endorsed them & handed them to him.
Funny that it was right after we did all the beginning of school activities with S5.
I just said OK. Instead of any kind of apology for the other night, this is what I get instead.
"We both did things to get us where we are now, oh, but I bet you don't think so "Ms perfect."
I told him I'm far from perfect, but the minute you brought someone else into this marriage, there was no way to remedy our R. You never even replied to the e-mail I sent you on Retrouvaille.
"Uh, I looked at the web site, I didn't see anything I liked."
The date of separation listed is 6 months after the pre-nup goes into 50/50.
This is kind of strange, when I called my friend CVA to ask how long he took to respond, he asked me what the date was on the summons. All the court use & case #'s are blank, meaning I'd be signing papers that haven't been filed. He wrote a note on the envelope saying he'd like them back by Wednesday. I don't think the courts would even accept papers signed before they're filed.
Quote:
You must file and serve on your spouse a Petition and Summons. The Petition and Summons must be filed with the Court before you can serve it upon the other spouse.
Doesn't make sense to me, unless I'm missing something.
Can someone who has been given papers tell me if they had been filed first, i.e., had a case # & stamp.
In the acknowledgment of receipt he wants me to sign & give him tomorrow, there's a box checked that says I've been given a blank response form & there's not one included in what he handed me. Should that have been included?
Sunny, Sorry you got blindsided. Remember, you will be just fine, even if this is not what you wanted. Also, it ain't over til the fat lady sings, so hang in there.
My $.02: I would talk to your L immediately. The laws are totally different in every state and you will risk a lot more than an hour fee with a L if you make a mistake.
That said, in FL, you can either A. both sign the paper work and then turn it in to the court or
B. one spouse can file and have the other one served.
Either way is legit. For option A I'm not sure if the L has to put in a notice with the court in advance and get a case no. assigned. Not much help, but just reinforces that you need to see a L.
Take care of yourself, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Remember, you will be just fine, even if this is not what you wanted. Also, it ain't over til the fat lady sings, so hang in there.