Is he starting to come home?

[No Longer BH]

Hello All. I just wanted to check in with everyone and talk about what happend this weekend. I am sad to say that I truly believe that I am now going to need to move my thread to divorced. I did this to myself, I know. I started to see all these little signs and instead of just appreciating them for what they were, I wanted to see signs that they were something else. I found out H decided to spend Friday night over at the OW house. He has decided to continue that relationship even though he still says "This is not a relationship. I am very passive with any progression that may occur, but I do feel connected to her." WTH? He has NO intent on ever trying to fix anything between us because he just does not feel the love. I did everything you are not suppose to do once again.....tried to reason with him about how love can grow, tried to use guilt - how can you possible feel good about yourself leaving me while I have cancer....and even threw in the - your decision has made your son suicidal and yet you wont even try one last time. Was not my finest moment. There was no anger when I talked to him, it was all said in a calm voice. To tell you the truth, when I found out he was still with her, it hurt a little, but it was more of just a disappointed feeling. Like, I cant believe he is still chosing to screw up his life in this way. Nothing I can do to help him, but I sure can help me. I have decided that I just cant hold onto this anymore. It is not healthy for me to be looking at every action and hoping it might mean something.

After a long talk with my brother, I have come to a calmer place once again. I see that I have been making accuses for his behavior by labling him MLC. I kept thinking that this would pass and then we could just fix the damage that he made and move on to a better relationship. I need to stop that and see it as this is who he is NOW and I dont what that kind of person in my life. He lies, he cheats, he puts his needs above everyone - including his son. He has chosen someone who is very messed up as well, that should say where his mind is at. He is no longer good enough to be my partner because he is not capable of being a partner, just a taker.

I will continue to be kind towards him, he is my S's father, but I am no longer going to make ANY attempts to connect to him. Here is the really messed up thing - he told me that he had not been physical with her since May but it started back up when I moved back. Here he was doing all of these kind things with me and then going back a establishing a relationship with her - can you say GUILT? So, here I am once again letting go. But this time I am truly walking away. He will not be able to suck me in that way anymore. He left me, he does not get to have a special connection to me. I can not handle that in a healthy way. The only way we would ever have a chance was if he came begging to work on us, and since I dont see that happening I have to look towards my own future.

I know I have to let him go. I cant let him think that he is a good guy because now we are friends and he gets to have hugs from me. I told myself that if he did this to me - tried to pull me in, lied to me then pull the rug out from under me, I would close the door. It is hard to do, but not nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. I thought he was getting better, but I too was just a different kind of bandaid to him - the "See, I'm not such a bad guy because my W can still be my friend. I must be something special." Well, no you arent special, I am because I forgave you and tried to help you despite how yu treated me and your son. One day he will wake up see how truly awful he is. I bet that day is REALLY gonna hurt.


So, here I am feeling that I have had enough lies and my heart cant take it anymore. We have a mediation appointment on Sept 15th and I am no longer scared to go. I am droping the rope that was my lifeline to him.....he has to now be on his own. I will not be mean or cold towards him, just completely indifferent for my own sake. Thank you everyone for all of the support you gave me. I truly did believe I was going to ba a success but after hearing his words and seeing his recent actions, I was foolong myself. Now is the time to heal the rest of the way.

Thanks again one and all.