I'm just starting up this thread, hoping that any friends I have here might be on right now.... I tried to call a friend down the block, and no answer. My cousin is next.
He is buying a house with her.
My kids got back today from the weekend with him. S would get his own room, D will share with the other D, same age. They went to the town picnic after.
S said x seemed happy; he thinks he has already moved on. This from the 13 year old.
God, please help me. It hurts so much. I think, in the back of my head, I was waiting for it to all fall apart, that he would eventually, maybe want to try again.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why did he pick her and not me?
I want to call him, but I won't.
I want to beg and plead, reason with him. But I won't.
I miss him so much. I still love him.
He told me the last time we spoke that what I feel isn't love, it is obsession.
Is he right?
How am I going to do this?
The house is right in town.
He came and picked up the rest of his things tonight while I was out (arranged).
There is nothing I can do. And it hurts so much.
He didn't even email me or call me to tell me this new development; the kids told me. They all went to look at the house together.
They talked about adding 2 bedrooms over the garage. So they will be buying, not renting.
I have no idea where he got the money. S said gf will be in by half, too.
How do I go on like this? How do you live, loving someone who doesn't want you, who has moved on?
Donna, There is nothing you can do. And thinking about it too much is not going to help you. He is making his own decisions, good or bad, and he isn't thinking about you. Apparently he hasn't thought about you in quite some time. I would imagine he isn't thinking that much about her either....he is thinking about himself, which I think is all he does think about. He is selfish, and eventually he will do the same thing to her, or she will realize what he is and walk away, or they may stay together, who knows?! It doesn't matter. You have no control over what he does and you know it is not good for you to be so mentally and emotionally involved in what he is doing. Please let it go. Take a bath or read a good book or watch a movie. there is nothing you can do to change him, let him go.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Donna, sweetie. I understand how you are feeling, but you must pull yourself up.
HE DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.
This is so important for you right now. He does things that you allow to hurt you. You have to stop letting him. You are giving him such incredible power in your life.
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Why did he pick her and not me?
Because he is not good enough for you right now.
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What the hell is wrong with me?
Your normal and actually able to feel. In your situation, that will at times suck.
Donna, he is not right, it is not about obsession, it is about commitment. He just doesnt understand that. Hang in there Donna......
How do I go on like this? How do you live, loving someone who doesn't want you, who has moved on?
What am I supposed to do?
Hey, Donna, I hope you don't mind my posting. I'm new to your thread, but noticed you're having a tough situation. I think that will happen to me at some point too, my H has told me he wants to live with the OW. Sucks!!!
I don't know that I have any advice. What I've been doing is acting as if I've moved on too. My best revenge that I've come up with so far anyway is trying to live the best possible life without my H. Trying to live a happy life, be strong, confident, etc. and when I'm not then I at least act as if I'm happy, strong, and confident! I won't let him think he can crush me, b/c he can't!!! Karen
Because your marriage was real life and life with her is still a fantasy. Because he got a rush of brain chemicals and he's drunk on them. They wear off. Because he's a selfish jerk who is only thinking about himself.
See, it has nothing to do with you. And certainly nothing to do with you being "less than" someone else. Don't even go there. You're way better than that.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Donna, I just wanted to say that we've all been in the same or similar position as you are now. We survived it and you will too. I can guarantee that if you take care of yourself like everyone here has suggested that in a year, you'll most likely be glad he's gone.
What OW doesn't realize is that if he'll do it with her, he'll do it to her....eventually.
Good friends are a wonderful support during this time of emotional chaos. Good job on going down the list of those you trust and finding someone you knew would help you, listen.. and not try and fix it.
Reality changes so much during divorce. The past gets rewritten as often as waves erase writing in the sand. You are who you are now.. rejoice in that.
I kept getting frustrated about how 'stuck' I was on him. I couldn't let go.. commitment, belief in the marriage, not believing in divorce, the destruction of the family, the cruel way he left, living with a much younger woman, being a cliche. I'd lost myself, was overwhelmed... incredibly fearful on every level during the marriage and concerns after the divorce.
When you choose to 'let go' things change. I still believe in marriage, in the commitment we vowed to each other. I believe in the family, what it gives to the children. I believe that every effort should be made to keep the marriage, a family intact. But guess what.. if the other party does not want to deal with emotional conflict, is only willing to deal with things their way (which is usually an individual process).. there's nothing you can do about it.
I'm in CT too. Most towns are large enough that you're not bumping into each other. You have no control over what he does. You can only control how you deal with it. A friend of mine encourages me to turn the coin.. that if one thing is really bugging me, turn it around to something positive.
Look at what is good.. the kids won't be shuttled all over the place. She's probably more nervous than you.. after all, she's the interloper.
It's all your choice.. make the choices you'd hope for your best friend.
Have you tried Parents without Partners? There's one in Fairfield (I don't know where you are) that's quite active, as is Divorce Recovery.
Sorry about your pain and all of this stuff you are dealing with, Donna. You will be okay. Stay focused on yourself and your own goals. Everything is going to get better. I know it's hard to see at times but you have come a long way and these set backs won't stop you because you are stronger and better than before.
