He's dark, I'm dark, everyone is dark

[hoosiermama]

I know the natural tendency is to want to have an opportunity to have a positive conversation, but that's not likely to happen while he's in this angry, controlling, punishing phase.

Hi Hoosier,

THANK you so much for stopping back by my thread. I have started a new thread in Newcomers ( I think I really need to go back there for a bit -- probably should have never left) but I did want to engage you in some feedback here. Can you/do you have any insight into this so-called phase??? Is it a phase he's in?

Here's a space for your answers: { }


I just don't understand it. He was so mellow when I met him. During our marriage, he used to grab me by my wrists and turn me over in the bed to face up to him. My DB coach said it was his way of saying, "Talk to me." I would tend to go hide under the covers when we fought because I didn't know what else to do. He said I would "make him so mad."

I feel so horrible for the way I handled/didn't properly handle our arguements. I could have done better. I could have looked for solutions on the Internet, but I neglected him. I am feeling very guilty right now. I know that I have to take half the blame for this mess I'm in.

I've been dark now for three days, and I'm hurting terribly.

peace,
poet

Hi, Poet--
I'm sorry that you're hurting. This whole thing sucks.

As for insight into this phase, I can't really tell you from experience because my H goes in and out of the anger/punitive phase. I think it's just part of the general bizarreness of it all. But--have you read the MLC resources listed near the top of the list on the MLC forum? I learned so much from reading through those and found it very helpful. Not so much in changing anything, but knowing it has at least a little predictability and isn't as personal as it seems made me feel a lot less anxious.

It sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for things that were just natural reactions and ways you protected yourself. Please don't beat yourself up! Read the MLC resources. If you're like me, you'll wonder when these people were sitting in your living room! And you will see that it isn't you causing this problem, or even half of the problem.

Going dark isn't easy, but it's kind of like a time-out if you've ever dealt with toddlers, or possibly like rebooting your computer.