Searching for me again

[ACJ]

BM I too have become a much more patient person throughout all of this. It took about 18 months but I finally got there.

So, my EEG came back, and there is no epileptic activity. Now I have other stuff I have to do.

This is really good news. I never had any epileptic activity on my EEGs either. They categorically told my parents I was not epileptic. I was however put on medication for a couple of years and when I first had a driving licence I had to reapply for it every 3 years. Now I have one just like everyone else - until I am 70. That was a big day for me! When I was about 16 I met and worked with a girl called Maxine. She confessed to me one day that she was epileptic and I told her about my sitch. It was really weird b/c neither of us talked about it normally (even now I don't like talking about it I still feel the stigma). Our symptoms (as in the way the fits started etc) were identical but she was classed as epileptic and I wasn't. Of course now that I work in healthcare I have a better understanding. Interestingly last year at uni we had to do a case study when we did our pharmacology model and I chose to do an epileptic patient. I learnt so much and I am far more comfortable with my former status than i ever was.

Today my S16 and his GF came for thier tea. It was a very late tea b/c S16 was working until 6pm and then he wanted to go home and get a shower and then pick up his GF before he came here. It has been a pleasant evening. It's a long time since we have been able to be in each other's company for that length of time and not fall out about something so I am really happy.

For the first time since he went to live with his dad I am more at ease with it. I'm not sure how but we ended up talking about religion (his GFs parents are buddist and are disappointed that she wants to be a christian). Anyway, I didn't think any of my children were religious (in fact D18 has categorically told me that she doesn't believe in God) but today S16 recounted a story to me about him being upset on his way back to Hs from GFs. He stopped at a church and was just asking in his head 'Why?' When the church bells rang. It was about 11.15pm and so he wasn't expecting the bells to ring. He thought it was God answering his prayers. His GF has since told him that the church clock chimes every 15 mins BUT the point is that he then went on to tell my D13 that if you believed in God you never felt alone. I was so proud of him. I didn't say anything but I now feel as if he was meant to go and live with H to watch over him. I didn't want God to take away my S16 (as it has felt up to now) but if it is for a good reason like this I can accept it better.

H rang about 9.30pm to tell S16 he should be home by now and aksed why I hadn't taken him home. S16 TMd him back and said we had all had a glass of wine with our meal and that therefore I couldn't drive him home. His response was well you had better set off walking then! Typical. D18 came home soon after and offered to take them both home which they accepted but we carried on talking and eventually S16s GFs parents called to say they were cross with her for being late and that they were on their way to get them. We hadn't done this on purpose we were just having a nice time chatting. I had offered for S16 to stay the night but he has to be at college in the morning and didn't have any things with him.

Life feels good right now. I know there will be another fall of the rollercoaster soon but for now I feel peaceful.