A lot of my issues come from work. Trying to do school on top of a full-time job has just gotten to be too much. I'm not doing any of it very well. Throw in major personality problems currently disrupting my whole office and ... well, I guess I just feel overwhelmed and unsure what I want to do anymore. Hard for me to see where my future lies. Why do I feel guilty when I spend a day off not working?!
Regarding W, I freely admit the problems I created and I hope I can solve those in future Rs. I didn't make my W feel special, sex became an afterthought, I took her for granted, I didn't take the initiative to plan outings - trips abroad or an evening out. I was consumed by schoolwork and depression. That said, I'd always thought that committing to someone means telling them if you're unhappy and what you want/expect. Since W didn't do that, I now am gun-shy about anyone ever doing that.
I don't blame myself - an A is not the way to solve problems in a M. My W should have told me what she wanted. She should have accepted me for who I am and been willing to help when I sunk into depression. Those are her issues to deal with, and on a run today, I realized once again those red flags I ignored from day one. When I met her she was sleeping with a coworker who was in another relationship. She went after me before she broke it off with him. She went after a fellow student 3 weeks after pledging honesty and monogamy during our long-distance relationship. And last summer, the A with another coworker. I have to admit that there were probably others. A cycle. Her cycle, that only she can address, and if she does, maybe she'll learn how to ask for what she wants and how to accept another without simply running away to someone else when things get rough.
There was a book review in the NYT about "I Don't: A Contrarian History of Marriage" in which the author brings up the shaky basis for marriage as a social institution. "Modern matrimony is less a sacred vessel than a crazy quilt." Since I do believe in M, what struck me about all of this was the simple reality of maintaining a long-term intimate companionship. I don't mean to cast this as "friends with benefits," but that is essentially what it boils down to, albeit with more of a commitment than the phrase suggests. That said, the alternative would end up with the same result - a series of friends with benefits. Or romantic lovers that stick around until the love fades.
I guess I'm firmly in the camp that wants to make a M work for long-term companionship. I know romantic love fades. I know the problems of living with another. But I also know the problems of being alone. Does that mean I'm not a whole person? That I want to share my life with someone?
Just rambling. again. And Kalni, I'm sticking with water right now, but I had a nice petite syrah last night. Perhaps a little later, another glass would be just right
