THANK YOU EVERYONE for all your love, support, and suggestions!!
The new title is actually a Tolsoy quote! I felt like it was time to "do something different" with my thread title
I just called him and left a message, something like, "Hey B, it's T. I just wanted to call and say hello and see how you're doing. Thanks for your words of encouragement about my search for a new cello. Give me a call when it's a good time for you, it would be great to catch up. Ok, take care, bye!"
then I sent him a link to a really funny article about the program he went to this summer:
also love the quote "In fact, mastering the cello may be more difficult than achieving eternal inner peace, and almost equally rewarding." I laughed out loud...
Hope you're doing awesome! TRANSFORMER
So I guess now I wait.
I'm going to go to school now and practice and stuff... I promise to post more individualized responses later!!!
T, I'm pleased you called him. I just wanted to say that I've read more Passionate Marriage this weekend. It is taking me ages to read, which is really unusual as I read really fast normally, but there is lots to digest. It is a really amazing book and is very informative and enlightening. Hope school is going ok.
What is B's love languages again? I agree with Lisa that even if you get a 'no' its not the end... and it would be good to make your feeling clearer to him I think.... he's probably confused too! Its just how to do without pressuring.
Well done on the phone message - perfect! Mission accomplished.
Also how did you connect at the start of your relationship? Physical attraction, mutual interests, long conversations etc?
Thanks so much for clarifying a little bit what you meant by making a bold move. I thought you guys were encouraging me to more or less pull a kamikaze move, self immolate and throw in the towel if i didn't get a yes. Inside I was like, Isn't that against every single DB guideline, and has that actually worked for anyone?
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do you think he knows it's not over for you?
I seriously have NO idea... to me it is so obvious, I feel like he must be able to smell it even though I'm trying to play it cool. (my friend who came with me to his bluegrass gig told me I was amazingly calm, so at least in that instance it really worked). but honestly I've given him no explicit indication.
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Whatever his immediate response would be, anyway, I wouldn't see it as the end if he said no; I'd see the point as getting him to think of you in an R way subconsciously, which would make it easier if he did say no.
This is very interesting.... I didn't think of it that way.
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And if he reacs angrily, all the better- then you know you're REALLY affecting him and have a good chance. I wish my H would get angry with me sometimes! ;\)
that's kind of how I felt when he got all weird at our last lunch... if he needed to distance at least he cared (or something).
I am intrigued by the possibility of a grand gesture, but I still want to feel "safe". At this time I do not want to volunteer myself for any more drama... I really want to graduate and do a good job on my recital in Nov...
can we come up with some brainstorming options, something in between a bold move and a slow burn?
thank you always OD... it blows my mind that you remember so many details of my situation, I feel so cared for.
Thank you so much for all your ideas and your very specific instructions that I get back to him PRONTO!!!
I can't handle a "no" at this point, and even if he gave me one, I don't think I would give up.
I totally forgot about the turning point episode in your sitch... I want to go back and re-read your threads to get more juicy details!! I have been thinking about your suggestion a lot. I'm not sure I could honestly from my HEART tell him I believe he made a good decision. I DO believe that I think I understand why he chose to leave and I am (maybe perversely) extremely grateful for how it has motivated to get my [censored] together like probably nothing else would. Can you help me work on a declaration??
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Is there someway that you can say / do something really big that says that you still love him but puts no pressure on him to respond?
this is an amazing question. Do you have any suggestions????
I do have a 3 page letter (edited down from... 19 pages HA HA HA!!) that is all apology... maybe I could use some of that??
I am a bit mystified by these new possibilities surfacing on my thread, but nevertheless, EXCITED!!!
now I am going to respond to your second post LOVELOVELOVE t
His love languages are TOUCH and TIME TOGETHER. At least that's what I think... almost every single text message he sent me when we were together was about how he couldn't wait to see me so we could make out. I think it also was instrumental in the R going to sh!t when we were long distance the year before the bomb. And he told me pre-bomb that he didn't really connect to me over the phone, it was more like when we were walking down the street together or something he felt more connected. Right before the bombs he told me he felt completely disconnected from me when we weren't in the same place, and disconnected from me sexually even when we were in the same place.
How we came together at the beginning... it is an extremely cute story. I went to see this symphony concert, and they did this violin concerto that liberally quoted "la cucaracha" and my friend who was with me started whisper-singing it into my ear in the middle of this very fancy concert hall. And she and I convulsed with silent laughter! she left at intermission, and B approached me and struck up a conversation... and then later came over and asked if the seat next to me was empty...sat with me for the rest of the concert.... and then I ended up giving him my phone number and when he didn't call me within a week (he was waiting to come up with some really awesome date idea, I later learned) I called him and asked him out to another concert. THAT IS THE SHORT VERSION.
In the beginning, we went to concerts together, museums, movies (ridiculously serious movies like "lawrence of arabia", "malcom x" and "citizen kane"), we cooked food together, I showed him my favorite places in Boston because he had just moved there... he made me a homemade valentine on valentine's day, a date which ended up lasting 8 hours and included going to his apartment where he showed me the other two valentines he had made me and rejected... I had a party to screen a documentary I had made and also as an excuse for him to meet all my friends, and he stayed late to help me with the dishes and rub my shoulders when I was doing the dishes.
there definitely was a lot of talking, and I found him totally hot from the very beginning (even before he came up to talk to me in the concert hall, I kept turning around to check him out thinking... who is that GUY??). But the physical stuff was realllly slow... like we didn't hold hands until we'd been dating for at least six weeks, and it was partly because we went to this awesome exhibit that slowly plunged you into complete and utter darkness... and I got scared and reached out for his hand. and we didn't kiss until we'd been dating for two months. CALL ME A F"IN PURITAIN... I like to take things slow!!!
ANYWAY I hope that was not tooo much information!!!! LOVELOVELOVELOVE T
Thank you SO MUCH for your post. I actually printed it out so I could re-read it over and over. I REALLY appreciate your encouragement!!!!!!!
I am SO GLAD that you are enjoying passionate marriage!!! Let me know what you think about the specifics, I felt like it gave me a completely new viewpoint on... life, the universe and everything! I am a super fast reader also, but it realllly made me slow down, there was so much to absorb and digest!
I am so glad to see you on my thread. I don't think I've "seen" you here for a while and I was wondering if I hurt you or offended you. I really treasure your insight and value your friendship so much and I am glad to hear everything you have to say!
Honestly I am not prepared for a no... and I am not sure he could give me a clear concious No. that's where i'm at...
thank you for all your ideas, friend. I think I view it differently from you, but I always appreciate your perspective, and want to know what you are thinking!!!
I am sorry that you've been in that place lately too. But I am SO proud of everything you are doing with your life--like your new job(s)!!!
wow, it is good to "see" you! I love getting your male perspective!
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I think you will have to do "something" to get him to move, or to find out if he is even interested in moving. What that is still throws me.....
ME TOO!!!
I am sure you would be an AWESOME math tutor! I don't mind doing the remedial stuff actually... but I can see how it would drive others crazy! Some tutors actually market themselves as not-just-remedial for the very same reasons you've described... the really gifted students never get challenged!
thanks for your encouragement about my creativity. I had no idea it came through constantly. I feel like it has been leached from my every pore, and I yearn to recover it and live more juicily!
