Hi everybody, Here is my situation. My wife of 6 years finally had our divorce finalized about three month ago. She filed and was right for doing it. In a nutshell, our marriage was great for the first three years. I was happy and she was happy – we both worked hard at getting our needs met. When we had our first child – a daughter – I freaked out. I didn’t want the responsibility of being a father. The first three months I thought I was going to lose my mind. To make a long story short, I left the house and moved in with a guy friend of mine. For the next two years I was in and out of my wife/daughters life. In short, I neglected them and I was wrong for doing it. I always loved my wife, but I couldn’t handle the stress of being a dad at the time. I never wanted children (so I thought) and I guess you can say our daughter was unplanned. She was right for leaving.
About six months before the divorce, she would beg and plea for me to move back in – to be a family. I was stupid, immature, and did not realized what a great family I had till it was taken away. About two months before we got a divorce – I guess you can say I woke up. I realized that I did love my wife and daughter – that I really did what to be with my family. I asked my wife to take me back and she told me that she didn’t love me anymore. I made the mistake and begged, cried, and pleaded with her to take me back. I only drove her further away. I finally stopped doing that and decided that I was going to start loving her – to put her needs first and to not focus on my own needs – but rather her own happiness. Slowly, we started to talk, but she still went through with the divorce. Now we’ve gotten to the point where we talk quite a bit on the phone and do things together. At first she was questioning my change – wondering what my motive was. She would say stuff like “you never did that before.” After three months of being divorce, I can see that she is slowing starting to confide in me again – that trust is starting to be rebuilt. However, she will jokingly say stuff like “I know what you are doing” or that “there is no way we are getting back together.” That hurts. I feel like we have made a lot of progress, but she keeps asking me if there are any strings attached with me being so nice and attentive to her needs. I tell her that I just want her to be happy and that anything I do I do with no conditions.
I want to be reconciled with my ex-wife so badly. I love her and my daughter so much. I didn’t realize the sacrifices and work that having a family takes – I was a fool for ever leaving. I feel like my ex and I have made so much progress these last three months, and yet I feel that maybe it is hopeless at times – especially when she makes comments like the ones in the paragraph above. I know that I have to keep on loving her – that is not focusing on my emotional needs at the moment – but focusing on what can I do to make sure my ex-wife/daughter are growing and are happy. We’ve gotten to the point where we are calling each other by our pet names and are going out to dinner more frequently as a family . Even so, I get so discouraged and it is hard to tell if we have made progress or if she really just sees me as a friend. I want to remarry my ex-wife and I am fighting for our marriage. It is hard not telling her that I love her or how I feel about her – but I know that those emotions have to be put aside until if and when she is ever ready to accept me back into her life.
I guess I am in this forum looking for advice and especially encouragement. About 20% of couples do remarry their ex – so I am hoping that God does a miracle. The other night we had dinner and it was great. But then she told me that she still doesn’t trust me or feel safe around me. I don’t blame her. I know I did a lot of damage and I don’t know if she will ever forgive or trust me again after what I did.
For the last three months, I have been real good with not pushy her into the relationship or bringing up the subject of love/marriage/our relationship. However, yesterday I screwed up. I got real emotional with her when we where driving to dinner and told her that I miss her and that I still what us to be a family again. She told me that it was hopeless and why would she put her trust in me again to only have me leave again. Afterward, we had a good dinner, but I felt like crap the rest of the evening for what I said. Patience is hard, but that is what it is going to take.
To further complicate things, she has a best friend (that's a male) that she has known for about 20 years. Her best friend has always been there for her and my daughter, especially when I left the house. Although they are only friends, they are in the process of buying a house together. She tells me that that is the only way she can get a house in a good neighborhood for our daughter. I know that she doesn't have feelings for the guy, but I am having a hard time dealing with it. She calls me on the phone and tells me how excited she is about finally having a house for her and our daughter (we always lived in an apartment). I tell how that that is awesome and that I am so happy for her. Even if she gets the house with her best friend, I still plan on not giving up. It is just right now I am in so much pain and have been crying almost every single day.
