You should be getting the message that for many of us, the primary concern right now is your children. The hostility between you and your wife, along with the constant need for controlling the other is the last thing your kids need to be in the middle of.
The Nemours Foundation was established by the DuPont family and is dedicated to childrens health. On their website Kids Health, they offer several articles regarding children and divorce. Let me share a couple of comments...
Quote:
Crucial to a child's ability to get through a divorce is the ability of the divorcing parents to maintain a civil relationship. Conflict between parents — whether they're separated, divorced, or still together — causes major stress for kids that can last well beyond childhood.
We should ALWAYS err on the side of protecting our kids. Angry conversations should NEVER occur with the kids anywhere near the conversation, whether in person or on the phone. Conversations with others about our situations should not occur with the kids within ear shot.
The affects are easy for us to minimize when we're in the midst of the garbage, but they are real and potentially long lasting. We are talking about the PRIMARY security relationship in these children's lives.
Quote:
Keep the details in check. Take care to ensure privacy when discussing the details of the divorce with friends, family, or your lawyer. Try to keep your interactions with your ex as civil as possible, especially when you're interacting in front of the kids. Take the high road — don't resort to blaming or name-calling within earshot of your children, no matter what the circumstances of the separation. This is especially important in an "at fault" divorce where there have been especially hurtful events, like infidelity.
Your kids are very young. They do NOT need to see Mom and Dad as adversarial bodies. They should NEVER be getting the impression that one of you thinks poorly of the other, or, even worse, that they are better off with one of you than the other. While those things may be true and may be issues WE have to deal with, it is NOT something the kids need to be a part of.
Quote:
Consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort and familiarity that can help your family during this major life change. When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations.
And this is the big one to me. Your kids are tossed about back and forth, this way and that. It's absolutely horrible for them, especially at such a young age. The two of you are the adults - make the decisions as RESPONSIBLE adults and parents and take at least THAT part of the horror of separation out of the picture.
There's nothing wrong with taking input from your kids about putting together a workable parenting plan. But this daily inquiry of where they want to stay THAT night is absurd.
As adults we are supposed to be the ones who realize that many times our kids initially reject what they want most. Your children will choose if you force them to, but what a terrible position to put them in. And eventually they will come to resent both of you for making them participate in the drama between the two of you.
Time to do something you've never done...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
