Hi! Another newby here. I read your original post and almost thought I was reading my own. This is actually my very first, so bear with me if I dont get all these abbreviations right. Anyway,My heart goes out to you , I feel your pain in so many ways. Seems like we both have much in commom: We're about the same age with children similiar ages. My H left me and the children about 3 months ago and I also did not see it coming. I thought we had a good marriage- we've been married for almost 16 years and together for 21. He has always been my best friend and now he tells me how hurt and unhappy he's been for some time, saying I've not been there for him emotionally and intimately .By the next evening he was officially moving out , and by July 4th he confessed EA with a woman with whom I considered a friend , hanging out at our sons' little league games for the last 5 years (My H is coach of the team). We even had evenings out with her and her H. Her and I even graduated high school together! So I am feeling DOUBLE betrayed. You said your H has been drinking a lot to cover guilt? My H has drank as long as I've known him and Ive always expressed concern, but he's always rationalized it away , so I backed off, thinking that maybe I was overreacting, after all, he has held a job, has never been abusive in any way, and is rarely obviously intoxicated. But over the years I've noticed him putting away more and more of the beer - usually a 12pk every evening. He said he has been drinking himself "to oblivion" since feeling this way ,and after successfully having quit smoking 4 years ago , is now chewing. He admits he thinks he is a functional alcoholic. Even if we never reconcile, I am so concerned for him. I too am in constant sorrow, frequently blaming myself. I was diagnosed with depression Nov '07 but didnt tell my H because I was ashamed and didnt want him to take it personally. But now, looking back, he was already taking things personally. It's so sad , each of us in so much pain, but couldn't confide in one another about it. And now, I just want him more than ever because I know the man he truly is. Right now I don't even know him. He's said and done so many hurtful, cruel things since he's left. I'm sure he's doing this purposely. It's like he's trying to "get me back". But the difference is, I never purposely tried to hurt him . I was exhausted , overwhelmed, distracted, unable to focus , and feeling guilty for it.I did not recognize that this was the depression taking over until I saw my doctor about it.It was never the real me, but I can't explain that to him - he won't hear of it. He says it's too late. He says I knew of his issues ,but chose to turn away and not address them. He says "I shouldn't have to leave you to get my way, and no matter what you do or say, I will always think you're being forced to do it". How are your children dealing with this? Mine had no inkling anything was wrong, and the first weekend they stayed with thier father, the OW spent the weekend there with her boys! How confusing and sad for them. Theyve always seen the OW as a friend, and now she's dad's girlfriend? He wants the kids 50/50 and the kids want their father, but they rarely have time with him without her and her boys around. She's befriending my D and S14 hates her and the way his dad acts around her. She drinks also, so I can just imagine. We have to tell ourselves that our H behavior is more a reflection on them than it is us- and alcohol definitely has an effect. We can only change OUR behaviors and attitudes. You have not spoken to your family about your situation? It took me about two months after H left to talk to my closest family members. I was ashamed and didn't want them to look at H differently if we did reconcile because they've always loved him. They were angry , but also sad for me , for him , and for us. They understand and support my determination to make my marriage work (except my parents- they say DIVORCE HIM if he's commiting adultery - they are very "ten commandments").But no matter how each of them feels about the situation, they have been a great help, especially with my children, and I wouldnt want my children to have to suffer through this without outside support from close family. Strong, resilent individuals cannot hesitate to let others know they need support. And that is an image we want to portray to our H - strength and resilience - right? Sorry to go on, and on. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Hope to hear from you and others soon. I pray with my children every day to take care of us, make us strong, and to please watch over daddy. We will pray for you too. God bless.
