New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

So,

Again I know I am supposed not to let H's actions/inactions get to me, but today they really have. Every Sunday since I've been here he has reached out and been very positive. Up until last Wednesday, it seemed as though contact was getting better, and then he had his birthday, and it's like suddenly no more. Today it's about 8 PM in Dublin, and he hasn't even gotten online. Yesterday was a short email in response to mine, and the 2 days before he didn't contact me at all. Our contact is getting less and less frequent, but if we were actually making progress, wouldn't it be the other way around? I feel as though he is trying to cut all ties to me.

Also I am fairly certain those books were delivered to him by now. I know we aren't supposed to send gifts, but what's done is done, they were for his birthday, had no mushy cards, and were in relation to his own interests. A quick 1 line to say thank you, or cool, or something might have been nice or even just normal.

Now I'm off to Dublin tomorrow, where I will immediately go to our house. I have such mixed emotions. I'm going to be thrilled to see the pets and just feel like I am in a home again, but then I have to remember that at the moment it's not "our" home, and this saddens me. He probably won't be there, but of course there is the chance that he will be, and while I am dying to see him, if he's there I won't be able to stay and hang out, and will have to start up the DBing where I leave right away because of other plans...

Also tomorrow's his first day of school for this quarter, and I really wish I could talk to him about it. I am not even a part of his life in this way anymore. I thought we were moving to the friend stage, but it feels now as though we are moving backwards, despite my consistent work over the past 10 days with no backslides...

How do I know that what I am doing is right anymore? Is there ever an occasion where maybe the DB principles aren't right? I feel like I am letting him destroy our relationship by being away from him. I know for a fact that if I were in Dublin still, we'd have more frequent contact.

Just feeling now like there is a real lack of progress, and I don't know what happened this week to apparently harden H's heart to me. Or should I feel that no news is good news? Also he had a call with the DB coach last Wednesday, which also coincided with this new increased silence. Of course then my mind wonders to other things too like if he has decided to start seeing someone else. I won't even go there as I sincerely think he would tell me if he had done this, but it just feels like something has changed and I'm feeling pretty down at the moment.

Does anyone have thoughts on why he has shifted toward me like this?

Also, any last minute advice for Dublin? At this point I doubt he will even ask to see me, but I don't want a guilt-ridden email or conversation about him not wanting to see me either. I want honesty but not too much if you know what I mean. I don't need to hear every piece of spew, but I would like an acknowledgment every now and then that he's been a bit distant, or something. For someone who says he's trying not to shut the door on things, it feels to me like it's just the opposite.

Help feeling pretty low...

Don't worry though, I will not backslide in Dublin even if he's at the house and baits me, or even if he doesn't reach out to me at all. Luckily I'm actually very busy the whole time I'm there, so I will not have to try too hard to keep myself distracted.

And here I was holding out hope that he would actually ask me to stay at the house!

ITH