Please help me to not give up............

[sandi2]

Hi, I'm back, so I'll try to pick up where I left off, but first to reply to this statement you made:

I know that if I could do this, it would be an enormous 180 life change for me,and she would certainly notice it in a big way. But how can I consider it, if she really is adamant that she doesn't want that now?

That is the resentment she is feeling that is talking. I know that when my H suddenly...out of nowhere...starting smothering me with attention, I resented it terribly b/c by then I had already turned my heart toward another man and the last thing I wanted to deal with was my H's attention toward me. I had wanted that for so many years and he waited until another man was interested in me before he gave it to me? Well, I felt just like you W told you.....a little too late. But, that is the WAW's heart, so you need to do what you think is best for your children and you......not what you think she will want right now b/c she doesn't even know what she truly wants. She flip-flops from day to day. She may also see this as you trying to either control her or to smother her. She wants freedom and space, so don't do anything that "appears" to be compromising that for her.

Okay, to back up to your previous post:

But Hope plays a big part in the ability to fight on when it seems all odds are against you. I don't think that accepting that there are things you can't apparently change precludes having Hope. At any rate, while I know that it's good to cultivate a sense of moving on, gal, etc, I personally feel that I have to hold onto some hope to keep me strong and fighting. Even if on some days, I feel like I'm just in denial and should accept the finality of it all.

I like to replace the word "hope" with "faith". If you have an object of your faith....then you can place all your confidence in that object. Now, at the risk of sounding "preachy" let me explain. I believe faith is a spiritual concept and as a Christian, I can place my "faith" in the One who has the power to control the universe and my circumstances. I don't put faith in people.....I have confidence in those I know and can trust, but "faith" is spiritual and there is only One that I put my faith in. Anyway, although God will not force His will on another person, He can control things and work bad things to turn around for good to them that love Him. So, I have faith in that. It is that promise in His Word that has kept me going through the bad times in my life. So, by all means, do not give up hope....we all must have hope in order to keep going. We can chage ourselves and we have the power to respond to our circumstances in a positive or a negative way. That response can determine a lot of outcome. We also have control over some parts of our circumstances and we, as parents, have control over our children that are still under age,however, we do not have control over other adults. "Some" men....not all, but some who are use to being in authority (especially over other situations--like a work, etc.) find it very difficult to not be able to control their W. It is most frustrating to them. I'm not saying this is you, only that some do.

Things your wife says and does will hurt you, and that is why you cannot set yourself up for disappointment. You need to know and expect this to happen. Never let down for a second and think that maybe this one day...this one time...she may act or say something normal. She will hurt you if you believe what she says. She will rewrite your history together. She will say things that make no sense whatsoever to you. She may sound as though she has lost her mind. She is in a fog and at times, she herself will doubt her sanity. You have to discipline yourself not to dwell on things she has said and "wonder" what she meant by all of it. She may have been rambling and meant nothing. Who knows??

I said to her that SHE must want a divorce. At that time, she said it was too soon. It was about 3 weeks ago that she said she didn't want to talk about divorce at the moment, and if she felt it, she would move in her own time. That doesn't feel like she's considering my feelings or state of mind on the face of it. Perhaps I'm wrong, I don't know

. Okay, on this....don't use the word divorce around her and don't even place the thought of a divorce in her mind. If she talks to you about getting a divorce, just tell her that that is not what you want, but don't get into a fight with her. Stay calm and if she starts throwing a fit....walk away. If she claims she is going to file....then just tell her that is that is what she feels that she has to do then so be it, but that isn't what you want. Don't beg or plead....just talk camly. But, you need to advise her that you will not be the one to move out of the house, if she wants to leave the M, then she will be the one to have to move and that you will not help her do it. She needs to know that you will not support her financially. You will pay support for the children, but not to her. (Unless the courts order it, but wait until then), and don't do anything about filing for the divorce yourself. Let her do all the work. You do nothing unless unless it is to protect your finances. If you see that she is draining your bank account or running up credit charges.....act fast. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but you are under no obligation to finacially support her if she chooses to leave the M. That is her decision to leave and she needs to realize what it will be like to live without your financial support or any other help. It is called "tough love". Support your children by buying whatever they need, but that doesn't include a new house, car, etc. (if you get my meaning). Some H's say they don't want their kids living in a dump, etc., but I say the wife needs to realize what reality will be like for them. I understand not wanting the children to suffer for the W's decision, but don't confuse it with male ego and be giving the W the benefits of what is disguised as "child support".

She would feel guilty about that, as up until now, she has placed all blame for our M breakdown squarely on my shoulders. Her inititiating D, would transfer that larger responsibilty and blame to her.

That is common for all WAW's. If it wasn't, they would not leave. Also, it justifys their A. Don't take all the blame. You can't undo the past. Accept the part that you know was your fault but don't beat yourself up every day for the breakdown of the R. It takes two to have a R together. Just resolve to be the best you can be from here on. Stop living in the past....just learn from it. It is a hard, curel teacher, but we can become a learned student and come out better for it.

Now here's where I cling to my optimistic streak........

But maybe, just maybe, even though she says she's done, and nothing I have seen or heard to date would prove otherwise, she is waiting to see what happens with us.

Denial, Deluded, impaired thinking?
Perhaps.....

No, sweetie, we all need to cling to an optimistic streak, just as I talked about earlier. If you gave up, then you would just have to move on without even trying. But, there is a difference in acting "as if" and completely giving up. Acting as if means to act as if you are going to be good regardless of whatever happens. Then do the "actions" to prove it. You are acting as if you have had a wake-up call and you are going to make the most of every day that you have. DBing is a combination of being optimistic and being realistic. You aren't living in denial. But, I want you to go by that list I have. Did I give that to you, or have you seen it on another post? It is sort of a breakdown or short-cut to the DB rules.

Grant, you are going through a tough time and there is no getting around it. You will need all the stength and support you can get. If you are a spiritual person, then draw from that. If you have good family and friends, enjoy them and spend time with them......however, don't talk about the R with them. They will take sides and that isn't good. Besides, it causes problems later. (Sorry, if I've already said all this before...I forget.)

You know that we are here for you on the board. You can draw strength here. I know I did!

It is important to take very good physical care of yourself also. Try to get enough sleep and eat a good diet. Exercise is very good when people are going through this type of stress.

I will talk to you later. Hope your day will be one of the better ones.

Sandi