I think I may belong here.

[kelaaron]

I have been posting on newcomers board but after much more reading, I think I may belong here.

Our R has been filled with ups and downs, hurts and disappointments on both sides. A few years ago, H told me something a little different than in the past. He didn't know who he was, loves me but not in the same way, wanted to leave. Then nothing until last year. Went on biz trip, first time apart in 18 years, and he came back strange. Had a good time, liked the freedom, doesn't want to "answer" to anyone anymore, again love you but not the same. Wanted to leave. Actually told me he was going to Maine to be with the woman he met on trip which was just a friend. Three weeks or so later, he swears he never even said that. Then he says he didn't mean it. Long story short, really rough year, death in the family, cancer scare for me, things were really peaceful again for a while then this all started again a couple of weeks ago. Again wants freedom, not answer to anyone etc.... I admit I have over the years, due to my own fear of abandoment issues coupled with all of the problems we have, become extremely controlling. I actually have felt like I have two children not one. Working on that. H wanted me to clean up the spare room so he could move in there. I did finally, and he didn't. The last few days have been very wierd for me cuz he has been working. Sort of full of peace sort of full of dread. I have no idea where his head is or how to deal with all of this. For some unknown reason, I still love this man even though I think he is off his rocker. Don't know if this is a MLC, but it sure feels like something. I have been trying to DB, 180's, as if, all of that. No arguing and like I said he hasn't moved into the other room yet, hasn't said anything to our S even though he knows that I have told him a D might be in the future. Hasn't told any family yet, asked so I would know how to act if they call, hasn't told any friends. We went out like a couple last week, had sex, I actually initiated, which hasn't happened much at all in 12 years. We are going away this upcoming weekend (planned after the bomb) and his aunt has asked us for help moving at the end of October, which he says we should do.

Any input?

Sorry about the abruptness, have to go pick up S. Thanks in advance.