JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[butterflymom]

Sand,

Now is when you sit back and stop the pursuit, stop the R talk, no negative talk about OW (that will only make you look bad, not her).

Let her hang herself. She has enough rope with the mailing of the papers behind his back.

Step back and let her do the pushing. Let her try to control him. Say nothing else about her or the situation.

Act "as if"

No expectations on what will happen next. Just pray that God's will be done and then drop it.

BFM

[BarbieDoll]

WOW - are you sure your H isn't with my ex H's maggot? They sure sound like the same B!TCH to me.

You, my friend are now in the driver's seat. But you've got to keep control of the car before it backtracks or spins out of control. That was one excellent opportunity for your H to see firsthand what he might be getting into. And you, my dear, handled it wonderfully.

Now, don't sweat. Don't phone or text or email him. I know it will be difficult but please sit back and let him him suffer. And when he does contact you - don't mention the D papers, or the OW or why you want him back or that you love him or that son misses him. You just be the sweet girl he would WANT to come back to. If, for example, he tells you about his road trip - you just say "that's nice", NOT "did she go too?". See what I mean? Pretend it doesn't matter what he does, even if it is tearing you up inside - act "As If". As if it doesn't matter to you - you need to get your nails done. And you have plans. La te da....

Keep it up, Sanderika. Don't let that b!tch get the better of you. Your H is being tugged so don't tug back. Let him feel suffocated and relief is at your place.

Let me know what happens next.

Barb

[Sanderika]

Barb and BFM,

Thank you both so much.....I will be absolutely wonderful to him when he approaches me next. I love this advice, I actually wasn't quite sure what to say or do...I will be calm, friendly, warm, happy and sexy...I get it!!!

What do I do though if he wants to have a R talk? How do I keep my mouth shut? Do I just listen? No comments? How do I answer any questions he may have? I could really use some advice about this too.....please.

I heard his road trip hasn't gone like clockwork so he won't be around until Sunday and then he goes back out on the road for most of next week too. I may not hear from him right away. I am sure that OW will control and monopolize any free time he has when he returns briefly. I have plenty of time to make sure all is spruced up just right. I will even plan to have some good food all prepared to offer.

Thank you both so very much....I appreciate your thoughts and advice,

Sanderika

[glamgirl]

Sand if he wants to have R talk just meet and listen. Think of it as a business meeting. If he asks you ?'s just say h that is a very good ? I am going to need some time to think about that and get back to you.

Then when the R talk is done, thank your h for meeting with you and that you will be in touch. That could mean for you 1 day, 1 week, 2 weeks.

Listen and validate is always the best policy. No arguing!

[Sanderika]

Thank you glamgirl,

I will take your advice on how to handle a R talk. It will be hard not to put in my opinion. I will be able to do it though, I am strong.


NEW NEWS:

My H called this am early, very friendly. We chatted for about 20 mins. He told me where he was, where he had been and what he had to do. Told me all about the problems that happened on this road trip willfully (I didn't ask any questions!!!!)

My H was heading back to our shop to pick up more equipment and he wanted to know if our son wanted to go trucking with him for the day. I had to make my son go, but he went with some reluctance and I dropped him off at the shop (as my H asked me to do to save time). Just after arrival my son went inside and I could see that he was going to be OK. He greeted H with a smile and enthusiasm. I was proud of him. I stayed outside on the loading dock and my H asked me to come inside....BIG SMILE!!!

My H was very friendly to us both....I made sure I was pleasant and full of smile. I got all dolled up before I went...put on some very nice, sexy clothes...looked rather HOT if I can say so for 45!!!!! I put on perfume he likes. I hope he noticed.

He said they would be back in the middle of the evening. I am going to make a beef stew for supper so there is something satisfying to eat just in case he wants some food. He has been on the road for days. If he isn't interested there will be some leftovers for next week.

Another thing to note: If he is with our son, HE ISN'T WITH HER, HA HA.....

I think today is a good thing.....Don't you???

Thank you all....

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Update....

My H brought my son home at 8:30pm. We were having the remnants of a hurricane...lots of wind and even more rain. My H didn't just drop son off in the drive he came in for about a half hour.

The beef stew was out of the oven and still sitting on the counter to cool a bit more before I put it in the fridge. Neither one was hungry. At least it was there and H could see that there was a hot meal waiting here after such a long day. The bad weather was perfect in my opinion. I was surprised he brought son inside and took the risk to get really wet. We park about 6 pick up truck lengths away from the back door. So get wet, they did!!!!

H was very nice and I was very pleasant and greeted both with a very big smile. We chatted about his job next week and how it needs to go to work out well for him. I was a good listener and offered a little comeback if I thought I could add something relevant. He left with good thoughts, I am sure.

Son said he had a great time, and that is all that matters.

OH, and I looked just as nice when they returned!!!!

Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Sanderika!

You did great! I wasn't near the computer so I didn't read till now. I think you are on the right track and you've got the right attitude. So keep it up and keep us posted.

Barb

[Sanderika]

Good Morning Barb, Butterflymom & Glamgirl,

I just received a post note that says "FINAL NOTICE". The divorce papers will be sent back to my H on Thurs. 9/18 if I don't claim them first.

I need advice.

I have not heard from H since he dropped S12 off here at home on Sat. 9/6. I described that encounter in a post above on this page. I have not heard "boo" and neither has S12. I believe he was with the OW all weekend, most likely in her neck of the woods about an hour from here because all was quite at our shop where H lives all weekend and no one in town saw or heard from him.

My friends here (all 8 of them) think that I should go get the papers and throw the ball even faster into H's court. "THEY" think that way H will be forced to face what his OW B***H has done and cannot carry on in the mode of complacency any longer.

"THEY" think that H will either backpaddle towards home to save his M and hard-earned money and assets, or he will move forward to a D to give OW what she wants. I have to agree with them all that OW doing what she did on 9/3 with his papers has not changed his thoughts about the VICIOUS B***H. He has put her first ever since like it doesn't even bother him. And, I know I don't know what has been said between them behind closed doors. I am only assuming that not much because he has been right up her a$$ or vice versa for the past 12 days.

S12 said that she called him non-stop all day long on Sat. 9/6 while they were supposed to be having one on one time together.
My god she is even jealous of his son!!!!!

If I go get the papers I will have to retain my attorney now. I will have 20 days to respond to the petition. I called our county, a friend there told me H has not filed his papers in the court.

On 9/3 when H and I had a conversation about this he told me if I get the papers I will have 20 days to respond and that to keep in mind he can cancel them at any time.

Should I get them?

Should I call his bluff?

I am dying to see what they look like and who notarized them.

I need to calculate my choice very carefully.

No contact with him actually speaks volumes. Remember, I told him I would not call him that it would be all up to him if he wanted to call/see either me/us. He has made contact once with us.

I have not made any approach. H is actually building a solid wall between us. I have to assume he likes things the way they are. He is doing a wonderful job of removing us from his life.

Of course, like a lot of people here, I am wondering if going dark actually gets us what we want. No contact can't be a good thing. We are becoming strangers.

I am very sad and lonely. I am feeling more like out of sight out of mind. I have to admit, I have been reading posts all weekend and there are a lot of people out there with little or no hope of a reconcilation, especially for those of us who have been at this for a very long time. I am now at 37 months. My H pays less attention to me/us as time goes by. It was a huge negative for our relationship when H removed me from my daily duties at our company. He has also not paid up one red cent in support for either S12 or me since 7/26/08. AND it's not because he doesn't have it. That is beginning to wear on me, I can't go on much longer w/o $.

I am truly torn on what is the right thing to do. Agree with my friends and get the ball rolling on the inevitable or continue to stand.

I am very sad and lonely and I don't want to divorce, I love my H. I can't have a H who has been with OW for so long and doesn't appear to be changing that sitch. I deserve to be set free if H isn't coming back. Lord knows I can't file. BUT, for all practical purposes now H has taken the first step towards a D. I called the post office the papers are still there, if H didn't want it wouldn't he go and retrieve them?

I learned yesterday, that H is going to hire someone on full time to restore antique vehicles. That means that H is going to let the company bankroll the restorations. There are a lot of vehicles, just a guess I would say 70.....AND NOT KIDDING!!!! It would keep someone full time employed for a long while.

NEXT BIG QUESTION....Why on earth would H be wanting to turn marital property into something better at this time??? What is his motive to take a jalopy and turn it into a prized valuable antique at this point in time. That's like taking $1000 in marital asset and turning it into $20,000. It isn't making any sense to me. What is H up to???

I have carried on too long now...needed to vent some for sure.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I got this DB thing down pat, but standing still is a killer. I need to see some attention from H. Thurs. is going to come fast.

Sorry for going on and on.....I appreciate you all and value your opinions. Thank you for being there for me.

Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika:

Hire an attorney IMMEDIATELY! You have to get the support. Do not waste one more minute. It is TOTALLY separate from your issues of wanting him back. That is nothing you can do about. But he is counting on you to not stand up to him. And to not stand up for your rights. That is ridiculous.

Take care of you and your son. Let your H be. Going dark can work but there's not a huge chance that it will. Contacting him will probably be even MORE counterproductive.

Get legal advice on this. Over the advice of your friends. Over the advice of anyone else. The attorney will tell you what to do about the D papers. You have to do SOMETHING.

Forget the OW. You have no control over her. Let her do whatever she wishes - you can't stop that.

Your H is an Ass - would you really want him back? Seriously? Over 3 years is a long long time to wait and when he stopped the support he KNEW you would be forced to do something. That is abuse of power. What kind of husband is that?

OK, pick up the phone right now and call an attorney. It doesn't mean you will get divorced but it does mean you are taking back the control.

Good luck and don't wait so long to post, ok?

Barb

[Sanderika]

Thanks Barb,

I am scared. How did I go from being "in the driver's seat" (your exact words on 9/5) to being "in the garbage disposal" today????

I have been standing dark for a long time. I took the advice and have been friendly and sexy and thoughtful and kind and PATIENT. It was everyone's advice less than 2 weeks ago and was even way before that.

Am I still in the driver's seat if I do nothing??? Wait til Thurs. when H gets his, excuse me .... OW's papers back in the mail and see what out of this world turn this takes next.

I don't want to get a divorce. I want to see the papers but not accept them. I want H to file for his own D if that is what he wants. It becomes more and more apparent that this could go on forever. I love the advice but I am scared to death to use it. I don't like where I am though. I am not the only one on this BB that is scared and hesitant. I wish we all had some insight into where our actions would take us. I DO NOT WANT THE OW TO HAVE ANY CONTROL. Right now she isn't getting any with the papers.

I just tried the L but hung up before they answered.

My turmoil and fear and anxiety over this is too big.

I will keep the lines open here.....

I hate to be a bother to anyone.....

Sanderika