Frank...with your permission, a brief hijack for spitfire. My med school required me to spend 3 months in a physician shortage area. I always wanted to work with Indians particularly SW (e.g. Navajo). There was an opening at the time at the then Alaska Native Medical Center. Took it and worked under thr PHS taking care of Eskimos and Indians between Sept.and Oct.'84...a true NY'er Northern Exposure cheechako.
To frank...the words above by Tamashii are powerful indeed, but must be balanced between setting boundaries, detaching and moving forward with your life. Do NOT confuse them with lingering, holding on and risking getting hurt again. Letting her go is the ULTIMATE act of love, as odd as this may sound. You already know that nothing else works outside of taking charge of yourself. Stay strong and I support your current decisions. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
To frank...the words above by Tamashii are powerful indeed, but must be balanced between setting boundaries, detaching and moving forward with your life. Do NOT confuse them with lingering, holding on and risking getting hurt again. Letting her go is the ULTIMATE act of love, as odd as this may sound. You already know that nothing else works outside of taking charge of yourself. Stay strong and I support your current decisions. FIB
I don't confuse it with lingering. I do indeed know that Letting her go is the ULTIMATE act of love. Thanks FIB for always caring.
Last nights sleepover was uneventful. W came by this morning to make breakfast for the girls as arranged. She rushed around doing things, tried to feed the dogs but I took care of it. I started to make coffee and asked her if she could like me to make some for her. She said she would, then said "Well why don't you let me make it since I'm already here in the kitchen cooking"
I didn't really know why she said that but I said 'ok, go ahead'.
There was already water in the coffee maker and she put more in, then got flustered because she realized it was too much and there's no way to take water out of the coffee maker except by - making coffee. So she was going to make 10 cups and I said "no, just let it brew without coffee in it until the water level gets to 6 and then dump the hot water and put the coffee in.
So she did that, made breakfast and rushed around like she felt like she had to get out of the house.
I didn't really talk to her much because one of my friends who is in crisis called and I needed to talk to him.
When I was done, she and D17 were going to D17's CHURCH for some kind of event this morning. I was surprised to hear that. It's Unitarian and I think there going to see some skits or something but still, I see it as a positive that she's willing to go.
Anyway, busy day ahead for me because I have a lot of work to get done.
If you survived a teenage girl's sleepover, you are the King of single fatherhood. I am impressed. When my daughter had her first and only sleepover, no one slept, including me. After that sleepovers were off the list of possible party types.
Well another Sunday coming to a close. Some days are easier than others. Today was a little difficult because when I see W and she's doing 'family type' stuff like making breakfast for the kids it makes me miss the way it was, and the way it could be better.
Then she calls in the evening to talk to the girls and I feel lonely. I have to keep remembering that right now she doesn't want me and that I don't need her to be complete. Just lonely, that's all.
I see a good week ahead. I think I'm finally over the hump.
I hate the lonliness. It makes me lose focus of my goals. Hang in there Frank tomorrow will be work and you will have something to occupy your mind.
Yeah, I know. I still want someone to tell me there is hope, that we will be able to make our marriage work. But, I have to agree with AmyC in that there will be no hope till I let it all go.
and that is just a long slow process. It goes faster when I don't see or talk to her for days.
Frank, I don't know if I have posted to you before, but yours is one of the threads that most interests me. I check on your latest update daily. I was so sad to see that you had to take the tough love approach, but I think it was probably the right thing for you. I pray that this wakes her up and leads to a fully restored M for you.
(Bear with me a minute; this is actually related to what you said in your last post.) A couple of days ago I followed the urging of several on this board and signed up for
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messages, and spent some time on that site. One of the things I saw on there that was new to me was the info that the average person returning to a M after ending an A takes about *18 months to 2 years* to get over the OP...and that is with NO CONTACT! If they stay in contact it takes longer! I would guess that there is some correlation there with how long it takes the average LBS to get over their WA once the M is effectively over, and probably it is similarly affected by the amount of contact they have. I definitely notice that now that I am past the initial anguish, it's definitely easier on me when H is not here (he still lives at home and even sleeps in the same bed, although he doesn't touch me), even though I know perfectly well that when he's gone, it's always because he's with OW. At least I don't have to think through every last ramification of my smallest word or action if he's not here. I'm not nearly so paralyzed by the possible consequences of whatever I might do today, based on his analysis of my words and actions.
Much as we would all like our spouses to suddenly have that forehead-smacking "What in the name of the devil was I thinking??" experience, I have never heard of it happening that way. They have to pull themselves out of the quicksand all alone, and it takes a lot of time to get free of it. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, but...you can't help her get out of that pit, so you need to get on with your life while she's flailing around. With luck, she will eventually extract herself, brush off the mud, see you off in the distance and race to catch up. (By the way, this whole paragraph falls into the category of "reminding you of things you already know perfectly well, but may lose sight of sometimes.")
Hang in there, Frank. You seem to be doing very well!
Blessings and peace, Dawn
Last edited by dbmod; 09/26/0810:04 PM.
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
