I guess yesterday I just began to feel a little overwhelmed by the enormity of all that I'm going through right now. It's the endless self-examination, reflection, SA meetings, counselling, journalling, self-help books, and of course just the dealing with the day to day situation of living my life without love, affection, and even much social interaction.
Sometimes, we try to take on too much at once. When you begin to feel this sense of being over-whelmed....just back off a few days and give your brain a rest. It will help just to relax as best you can. Try to take a break from the turmoil in your life....easier said than done, I know, but you must take care of yourself.
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I think the biggest thing is the fact that I have lived my life for the last 8 years working 14 hours a day, pretty much on my own most of the time, for 4-5 days a week, and then returning home to my "other life".
Not to lay a guilt trip on you at all when I say this b/c a lot of men have to work away from home....and long hours, however, a lot of those have problems keeping the homefires going b/c there are not many hours left in a day by the time you put in 14 working, then a few hours of sleep....that doesn't leave much. Even when you are home, you must be exhausted! What I am saying is that as a WAW, I can see where it would leave your W feeling lonely and neglected, even though you felt you were doing the best you could. It is very hard to have a M and family life working away from home that much.
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The difficulty has been with me dealing with her affair, and the idea that I could be "just friends".
You have seen by reading the DR book where this has to be the first step, but that is not to say that is the way you will "feel" toward her.....just as friends. You will always love her as your wife, but she must think of you as her friend. That is the point here. You have to win her trust as being her friend before anyother feelings can develop for her.
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My worry is that as soon as she sees that I am apparently comfortable with friendship, she will initiate THE talk about our future and D. That's what she said before. "I want to get to the point where we can be friends and talk about our future. If we decide to divorce then we will do it together to save any bitterness".
Tht is usually the first fear that most LBH's have, so it is normal to feel that you are taking a big risk at being her "friend". But, what she doesn't realize is that when she lets down her guard to allow you to be her friend and she starts to trust you and begins to relax around you, she will also begin to see how much you have improved and that you are indeed out shining the OM. She will begin to turn to you more than the OM. Believe me when I say this is the best route to take. That is not to say that you allow her to disrespect you or to use you like a doormat. She is to respect you like she would any other friend and visa-versa.
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I guess I still don't REALLY know what that means. If she is so dead set on her being "done", and wanting to move on in her life, then why doesn't she just file now and be done with it.
Just try not to analyze it and take a day at a time. You can't figure out the mind of a WAW. Every day that she doesn't file is another day that gives you time to DB.
I have to leave for a few hours, but will return later to finish this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
