Quoting LonelyAtNight: I guess she must have realized that we couldn’t just stay with this way forever because like I said for the first time since her affair she was willing to read some of the books related to this life-event. She said I DID give her a second chance to have her here, so she wanted to do the same thing by giving me a second chance. By that, she meant to “love” and to desire me again physically and emotionally. If I remember correctly, she said that she wanted to learn/know how to be attractive to me again. She said it has nothing to do with me and it’s her.
To me, she is making the best case that can be made for counceling. She just doesn't see it. This all is exactly what councelling will give her and you. Individual councelling would likely help with her self-esteem issues, and couples with whatever signals you are giving that causes her to believe she needs to make her attractive to you. Couples C will help you both learn to love and desire again. It can be a long road, but it can help immensely with issues you just can't get through your self.
Quoting LonelyAtNight: The problem is she is too busy with school and part-time work that she has no energy/time to do anything else, even to read the books that I gave her a couple months ago.
Man, I hear that. My W "reads" for a living (she's in publishing). Reading for relationship work is the LAST thing she wants to do. As much as I would love to give her things to read, and as frustrated as it sometimes makes me to think she could learn so much if she just read a little, this is one of those things I just have to let go. In both of our cases, though, it's good that our Wives accept the books and allow us to give them. That way we are also given permission to share things we've learned from our reading.
Quoting LonelyAtNight:In term of counseling, the resistance is still there. To her, it will cost $$$, be permanent record, and time consuming. In a nutshell, she doesn’t want to deal with it because she thinks that it would only benefit me. Why? Because she sees this as winner and loser and I have been trying to convince her that it’s for her own good.
This is one of the more bone-headed things I've encountered myself. In fact, I think this image thing and money thing is one of the reasons my W is still with me and working on it. I don't believe she was ready, that she truly had the guts to suffer the humiliation and embarrassment that she anticipated she'd encounter actually admitting to her family and friends that she had failed at marriage, or that she had become involved in an adulterous affair.
In terms of $$$ and "permanent record", does your W have a clue about the $$$ and permanent record a divorce will cost? Councelling and reconcilliation is far less expensive in both areas. Could you gently point that out?
One of the thing I've learned in this mess is there is no Winner and loser in marriage.... there are only two winners or two losers. The trick is to always be winners, to find the compromise that makes the marriage work. I read a book called "Loveworks" that had as a major point the concept of finding the "Second Best Choice" in resolving issues. This is the "first best choice" that both parties can agree upon, the "best choice" to preserve the harmony and connection in the marriage. This is not "settling" for second best, or "giving in" to the other's wishes. It's both parties agreeing to possibly put aside their individual, possibly selfish first choice and an agreeing to something that both can equally accept and celebrate. Using this concept, there is no winner who refuses to compromise and has their will prevail, no loser who has been dominated and forced to compromise. Both, equally choose what works best for both of them. Both are winners! The marriage is the winner.
Quoting LonelyAtNight: I might have to talk a lawyer instead of a counselor as an option if this is what she wants because a “talk” without an action makes us go nowhere.
Do you have a councellor yourself? If so, you might get her invited to a session or two so she could test the waters. If not, it might be a good idea to help you deal with your frustrations.
Don't talk to the lawyer yet. The action they create is only destructive. It sure doesn't sound to me that you really want to go there yet...
