New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

Hi,

Just journaling. No new updates. Historically H has made significant contact on Sundays, but at the same time I'm going to Dublin tomorrow, so not sure whether this will impact on him communicating with me. I really don't have a clue about how he feels about my trip to Dublin--in fact he may not know how he feels either. Anyway I know for sure that I will not initiate contact. It doesn't get any easier not to HAVE contact, but it does get easier not to initiate it. It's like a goal that I set for myself. I've also quit forwarding emails and such unless they really are needed.

I think in DB terms I have done a very good job this week. My GAL is still very weak and even fake in many cases, but nevertheless in terms of my H, he really doesn't know this, and this is important. I do go to the gym regularly, and am at my thinnest in 4 years. I was not at all heavy before, but just not in shape. This week I have forwarded only 1 email and this was on overseas voting because I thought he would find it interesting. I only initiated contact on his birthday with an email. I think it would have been really rude not to do this, so I broke the no contact rule on that day only.

I've seen him online, and resisted the urge to send messages when he hasn't reached out first. I did not say anything about him not calling me or not sticking to a schedule. In fact I said I didn't need one at all. I joked around in IMs when he was being friendly, but never tried to keep the conversation going. I waited an hour to respond to the one text he sent. I did not respond to his email yesterday. Even though it was a "no response needed" email, in the past I would have responded with something. I did not tell him where I was staying in Dublin, and I did not ask him to set up plans with me. Twice this week he has asked "what are you doing?" This is something that he always used to say to me in this really sweet voice, but on IM it's harder to judge the intention behind it. Twice this week he has told me about things he is doing, both times they have been exercise-related. This week he even asked about something completely random--it was me sending an iPod to my mom. I did this 6 weeks ago, but it's as if he's playing catchup with things now. For some reason he asked if she ever got it, and I said yes and that she'd noticed it was loaded with what must have been his music. He said "because it's so cool." This is very small, but to me it shows that he is liking himself a little better now. In yesterday's email he said he was doing weights in his "sprockets outfit". Again, this is a little bit playful, and I don't think this has any relationship connotations, but it does sound like he is feeling a little bit lighter. The email also said "I hope you are doing well." Now to me this sounds business like, but at least it shows some kind of acknowledgment of my feelings, and this has to be positive. In fact he could have simply responded to my Dublin email with a 1-liner "those times are fine" or something like that, and that is usually what his responses have been like lately.

I hope that he reaches out today, as I feel like the time is now ripe for me to give out as many compliments as possible. He is always talking about exercise, so this is a great opportunity. I also want to find something to ask him about advice on. I think what he needs is to feel like he has something to give me, and that I am somehow benefiting from him. He does have a lot to give, and I have actually learned so much over these past 6 weeks, hell though they have been, I wouldn't be the better person I am now without them. At some point I will tell my H this, but it's a bit heavy for the moment, so I'll steer clear of this. I hope that we see each other in Dublin and can have a dinner or something that is completely free from R talk; I know I won't be bringing the topic up and I can only hope that he doesn't either. I still have a hope that he will ask me to stay in our house, but I know this is not too likely. It will be more likely in the future if I don't push him this time. Before I left, he was freaking out about where I would stay when I visited Dublin, and I gave him my word that I wouldn't stay in the house unless he asked me to. I think he's had his guard up a lot, and maybe hasn't trusted everything I've been doing. There would be nothing better, IMO, than for him to spend some time with me and see just what has changed.

Anyway, today I am leaving myself logged into IM on "unavailable" and I'll just see if anything happens there. I'll update later if there is any significant contact or other news.

ITH