Still, it sounds a lot like what I'm going through myself. I've long said though the divorce has been busted, I'm still working my tail off saving the marriage. And the aspect of physical intimacy is the one thing that's most conspicuously absent. We share a room and a bed, we do hug and kiss (peck on the cheek, hello, good bye), but sex is almost non-existant. But we are rarely alone, and as you say, normal has become abnormal... or rather what might be considered by many as abnormal has become the norm in our house, too.
Actually, I see this lack of physical intimacy as being more broadly a lack of overall intimacy. I've been contemplating this a lot lately. W and I have always been conflict avoiders. We still are. Me less than I was, but she hasn't read all the books, done all the work, so she still is much as she always was or worse. In our efforts to avoid conflict, we often simply don't talk about things. In fact, this is why in my situation "NO OR talk!!!" was nearly a death knell to my marriage. It was more of the same stuff that wasn't working.
Yesterday, she rolled over and just snuggled, and I thought what a nice thing, maybe I can mention that this is one of the things we should do more of to bhuild our intimacy. Her response was 'why can't you just enjoy the moment and not talk about it'. Classic W. Don't talk about things that make us uncomfortable. Don't explore our needs, just "figure it out". She literally says this.
So I'm embarking on a new 180 beginning yesterday... I'm going to start talking about this, about intimacy. I'm going to make some minor comment daily, and try to draw her out. It's actually quite scary, because I don't want to nag or pursue, but I believe we must begin to communicate more completely about all this. After all, initimacy begins with communication, with sharing deep thoughts and secrets, with getting to know each other totally. "intercourse" it self means "conversation" as well as sex. So many terms that signify sex also are terms of communication and "knowing" the other. Intimacy is too often confused with sex, where it's really all about closeness, sharing, and getting to know the other deeply.
So, I'm working on communication and balance between being open and not pursuing. Could some of this work for you?
