Just lying smiling in the dark

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, Lisa,
If you're shopping for opinions on CEO sitch, I have some available at no charge...which is good because you may not want to keep them...

I think the primary characteristic of flirting is an attitude of "I find you attractive/interesting, but it's not going to go anywhere." If one party or the other starts wondering about the future of the R, it has moved from flirting into some form of seduction.

(WARNING: A bit of tough love is on deck!) We all know how frustrating it is to have a spouse who isn't acting like a spouse in any way that does you any good, especially when it drags on and on and ON. You love your H, but he's not even attempting to meet your needs right now. The needs don't just quietly go away if they aren't being met; quite the opposite. They start getting louder and more demanding rather quickly. Enter temptation, stage left.

Flirtation (as I have defined it above) is no threat to any preexisting R. Anything beyond that, however, is incompatible with standing for your M. It is the first step onto that slippery slope which leads to those ugly conversations that include statements like "I wasn't looking for an affair, it just happened!" My rule of thumb is, "What do I wish my H would have done in this kind of situation?" Alternatively, "What would a reasonable person in a healthy M do here?"

Let's face it. You're still married, even if your H doesn't seem to notice that. You're still standing. You're not dead, though, so you're going to notice other people. If you enter a romantic R with someone else while still married, even if your spouse is a complete waste of human space for the time being, that's called an affair. If you want to get involved with someone other than your current spouse, that's your business, but if you don't disentangle yourself from your current spouse first, legally and in every other way that seems appropriate, you are 1) sinking to the level of your WAS; and 2) fooling yourself big-time if you think this is going to make your life better. This is exactly what all of these fence-sitting WAS's in affairs are doing, as we all know so well. You don't get a "get out of consequences free" card if you have an affair, even if your spouse walked away first. Again, this is temptation, and like all temptations, you WANT to justify it, but if you give in, at some point you're gonna be smacking your forehead and saying "What in the Sam Hill was I THINKING??"

In summary, if you are ready to get involved with someone else, that's your decision, but if so, you need to recognize that you are no longer standing, and be honest about it--with yourself, your spouse, and everyone else--by at least getting a D FIRST.

So, that's my two cents' worth...although I hope you don't feel that the value of it is actually in the red! I know you are a scientist, as am I, so I have done my best to work through something that is highly emotional on as logical a basis as possible. I know I have been blunt; I hope I have not crossed the line into offensive, as that would not be my goal at all.

I do think Ali is right about the difficulty of restoring your M to a satisfactory degree before your biological clock starts getting annoyingly insistent (my clock seems to have been broken from the beginning, so I'm not really in tune with that feeling, but it is something you are going to have to wrestle with). If you don't mind my asking, how old are you, anyway?

Lisa, I admire and respect you so much! You sound like an amazingly generous, loving, warm-hearted, beautiful and fun person! I love seeing your posts because they usually make me feel better, and sometimes even get me to laugh out loud, literally! I am so impressed with your consistency, your strength and determination, your generally upbeat attitude, your sense of humor, and your persistence. You have great integrity. Hang onto it; rise above temptation! Be the better person, not just for your H, but for yourSELF! I have great faith that you will!

Peace,
Dawn