before you freak, just get some legal counsel. With his increased income and limited parental responsibilities, it may well be that you come out okay. Even with your "imputed income" - 30 hrs/wk x $17/hr = about $25,000/yr, minus increased childcare expenses: sick-day care for your kids,( as an RT job wouldn't accommodate you taking off the 20-30 sick days a large family like yours can easily rack up), full-time daycare in summers, etc. - your actual income might be very little different from now.
Let's say it works out to an additional $6,000 a year in childcare expenses. THEN consider the fact that as a new hire RT, you would not be likely to get the day shift - so add in childcare costs for working evenings or graveyard....
Sit down, do the math, figure out the bottom line. If your income goes up by $20,000, but your childcare expenses go up by $10,000, and meanwhile H's income has risen - it may be a wash. If you can document all that and show him the numbers, he might realize it's not worth going to court over. Don't forget to include any increases in other costs for your family.
Don't bother to discuss your career goals with him. What's happening is, he's learning that it's a lot more expensive to live on the East Coast, especially as a DINK eating out at restaurants etc., and the true financial cost of divorce is finally hitting him. It doesn't help you to tell him he owes you a chance to develop your art - he'll just be jealous of your success.
Bear in mind, it's not unreasonable for him to want to use an "imputed income" to calculate child support. You don't HAVE to work as an RT, you can still choose to live on less and pursue your art. Just make sure that those calculations include ALL the real-life costs of going to work at that kind of job.
And don't forget, you are dealing with the world's biggest weenie.
Have you considered asking him to take full support of the children, and you will pay the difference in CS and visit them when you want? Just to see what he would do? In fact, perhaps you can work out how much it would cost him to have full support of the children while you pursue your career, and visit the kids when it suits you? Then, let that sink in for him and his little wife. See how often they will be able to travel, or eat out, and how long she will last then? It might be sunshine and roses during a summer break, or a week here or there, but the first time they all are sick with the flu, or when some issue from school rears it's ugly head, or some other child issue ... hoo boy! It would be lovely to see how fast she scoots out of the house, and heads for other greener pastures.
Just a thought! He is getting the best of everything at a bargain price, but he wants it to be wholesale, but children don't come at that price, and it's hardly fair to ask you to bear most of the brunt of everything. But, he is anyway, isn't he.
Who cares what his family, or anyone else thinks ... let them try and bring up all the children which he had half responsibility for in their creation.
Anyway, as Ellie says, get some legal counsel, and don't let him talk you into anything you don't want to do. Also, consider if you have to take any exam to regain your RT credentials .. I am sure that's going to cost something, and then there is the babysitter while you are going to a class, if needed. He can't expect your mother to always babysit.
Man, I cannot stand when people do this, and think they are being so righteous.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Gee, I know of few academics at decent schools that couldn't make more money in the private sector. What is his potential income? ACTUALLY here is a decent question: What is his potential income if he works a 12 month contract rather than a 9 month contract.
I think his GF is pushing for kids, thus the money worries.
Althea- I went back and read your July update before reading the current stupidity...first, I want to say Thank You for sharing your changes, dreams, and growth. It really touched me.
Now, I do hope that you follow the advise and get something from a L. You might have to pay something, but it could be worth the $ to have one write up what you might expect, if the matter would go to court. It sounds like he would have to pay more, not less.
I hope that this doesn't even begin to dim the light that you have shown.
MMO Reguardless legally of what happens (I hope you do well in this arena for you and kids) Your kids will know who cares.
I've been over dozens of young Marines and Sailors and had one told me about a absent father who tried to reconnect when the Sailor was in his 20s. This kid is hard worker and rising star due to his mom. He had nothing to do with the father who was absent most of his life. I stated possibly the Dad was making amends but he was not open to cracking the door. You reap what you sow. Either a good harvest or weeds.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Good morning my friends, thank you for coming to my aide.
I was feeling so sad last night--sulking and obsessed with what a sneaky little prick he is so I decided I needed some laughs. Took the kids out to the drive-in to see WALL-E and Tropic Thunder. OY! Tropic Thunder was hilarious but WAY inappropriate for the kids--oops. But I was in such a "f*ck it, I don't care, I'm a rebel without a cause" kind of mood.
I know he's a tool, and yet, my mind and heart just cannot seem to come together on this one.
My mind is playing through news reels of his most recent antics, splicing them in with of his past deceits--trying to prove to me he is a coward and a liar and yet my heart still clings to the idea of him as the man I loved so much.
I do feel a lot of anger toward him right now. I feel like taking him to court and raking him over the coals. I feel like I am done bending over backwards to be nice to him and trying to be his "friend" because I get screwed EVERY time I try to be nice or cooperative.
He is so smug and confident and detached. So unemotional, and still so self congratulatory.
I hate obsessing about him--the less he is on my mind, the better, and yet I can't make the anger toward him dissipate at the moment. It will, of course, but for now I guess I will just stew in my indignance.
It's time to take the kids to a birthday party but I'll check in later.
I remember one day you posted to me such a long and beautiful post, I was so hurt yet again, b/c of the X's actions.
You told me Lis, when are you going to have your expectations at zero? You were so right.
I am sorry that these turn of events feel like nails on the chalk board.
Ofcourse he should be paying more then less. Ofcourse he should just man the hell up and be a real father.
The fact is that he may never do it, but I will still pray that one day he grows a set.
In the mean time, you feel this new set of pangs, and know that this will not last as long as before. Know that you can bounce back quicker, and really, you have proven time and time again. that you will be stronger.
Great words have been posted to you. These wonderfful people never fail.
It gets so natural to detach from them, but to detach from what is done to the kids, I think that may never take place.
When you are less hurt, really sit down and calculate. You know if it has to be fought, then it has to be fought.
I KNOW that awful feeling, of going back to court,or losing this "friendship" that "seems" like it is keeping things calm and status quo.
It is so hard to fight them, even when we know it is for the right reason, and it is for what needs to be done.
It just goes to show, how big your heart is babygirl.
How you can see him in the distance as someone that has created so much hurt, but still hold that memory of his loving ways with you and those babies that you know was so real.
This to shall pass. Who would of thought that after this hellish ride and after the intense pain, and unexpected joys we have received. We still at times, need to stop, feel and know this to shall pass. But it most defenitly will. Have a great time at that birthday party with those babies. Love you.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
i had a whole diatribe planned to write and then I just read all of these wonderful posts that said the same things I was going to say only nicer (so not the SAME things but you get my drift)
and
i was still full of piss and vinegar and was going to rant anyway
and
then I read lovely Lissie's post and realized that sometimes I need to not be such a pitbull and maybe the softer approach is good sometimes
and
he sucks assets
and
you are lovely and devine and everything he does that is small and petty and arrogant and pompous just show the divide between you two is larger and larger
and
i wonder how he deals with the fact that he had springtime in his life with you and now he has nothing ot if that realization is too much for him to ever have because his brain will implode inside his head
I know he's a tool, and yet, my mind and heart just cannot seem to come together on this one.
My mind is playing through news reels of his most recent antics, splicing them in with of his past deceits--trying to prove to me he is a coward and a liar and yet my heart still clings to the idea of him as the man I loved so much.
Hi Sweetie,
I think the above is not only normal, but in way, a good thing. It seems that Mitch was, at one point, a different man. I don't think you could be completely wrong about that, not for so many years. Now that he's changed - so drastically and (relatively) quickly - it will take a while for your heart to accept that.
The way he is acting now is v. similar to the way my XH is: he is only thinking of himself. I think Ellie's right, and he's realizing how expensive D really is, how is lifestyle is now being affected. Well, too bad for him.
I know that you will get legal advice, and I know that you will get through this, but I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT an idiot or crazy or lazy or any other nasty thing - you are a true gem.
Love,Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
