My friends, you must all think that I'm crazy by this point. I hope not.
I've written and re-written this post a multitude of times and perhaps that's a good thing. I find it amazing how my perspective has changed as I've grown and changed. This last week has been so volatile. I've been certain of going in one direction and then equally certain in going in the other direction. Now, even since yesterday, I've moved on farther.
For every time that I've staked a position, I've grown and had to stake a new position. Last night, I was lying in bed reading a novel when new thoughts arose about what has been happening.
Why have I been sad? Was it because I've been missing my wife, missing her help in caring for the kids and the house? No, my duties are only slightly greater than before she left. Was it because I miss her affection and love? No, not really as that I received only as a reply. She returned my hugs and kisses. Was it because of her unfaithfulness? I had to think long and hard about this and, no, it isn't because of her unfaithfulness. No, I believe that my tears were the old man fearing being alone again even as the new man was gaining ascendancy. Which is to say, I'm pretty cried out.
My personal growth has been a great thing, a wonderful thing and a tough thing. The old me bore intolerable behavior in fear of losing what made him complete. The new me has no such need. I am complete in myself, I am enough. As a consequence, I'm finding that the new me is reluctant to tolerate things that the old me would bear, such as infidelity.
Here is where things get sticky. If she would turn her back on this behavior, I can easily forgive her. While she is still engaged in this behavior, I cannot forgive her and I will not tolerate it. So, I've decided that as soon as I'm able, to seek the solid proof of her unfaithfulness. Julia asked what I would do with it, what it would mean to me, and why I want it. I want to have an honest conversation with my wife and I don't believe that she will be honest unless I have that solid proof. What the solid proof means to me is, only the ability to trust myself. For a long time, I allowed my wife to convince me that there was nothing wrong with behavior that I found to be intolerable, to the point that I don't always trust myself. Lastly, the honest conversation that I believe that I need to have with my wife is very much in line with the after last resort technique of The Divorce Remedy. My intent is to have a conversation with her and to offer her a choice. She can choose me or choose them. Yes, I do understand that I might not like the answer, and I do understand that she might not be in a place where she is willing to choose me. I can't tolerate the infidelity.
It's scary to think about ending my marriage and I do regret what it will cost the kids, but, I don't know how else to reconcile between the immovable object and the irresistible force, and between the rock and the hard place that I feel.
I feel sadness, the sadness of loss and a sense of failure and regret. I'm sad at what this will cost my children and myself. Yet, I don't know what else I can do. Perhaps now, God can speak to my heart again. Perhaps now that the pain is mostly gone, I can stop long enough to hear. Perhaps I will hold off on this plan. I don't know. Things are very strange. I'm a new man and I don't know this person yet.
Maybe this is just another rant and my actual behavior will be quite different. I don't know. I only know that the writing of this post and the journalling here has helped me a lot.
