Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

Oh wow, tonight was really scary. I am still shaken up. D12 is having her slumber party. H came by for the cake and--since it is raining torrentially here and he lives over a mile away, I offered to drive him home (we share the one car now.)

I dropped him off, and on my way home (D7 was with me), I hit the back fender of another car--and the fender came off. I am pretty certain it was not my fault, and that I had the right of way (or maybe it was the rain and I skidded? I don't even know.) Anyway, this has NEVER happened to me. I have NEVER been in an accident. I started panicking and crying, which made D7 hysterical. I called H and he talked me through what to do a little. Eventually, the police came and I pulled myself together and calmed D7 down.

No one was hurt, and I know that's all that matters--but it really upset me. My anger at H bubbled up all over again--for leaving me to deal with so much alone, for casually talking about his new apt that he'll be renting to me as if we're in it together, for taking an apt that he can't afford and then finding out that his parents are making up the difference (which makes me feel like they are just enabling his behavior.)

It also made me worry about myself--was it being so stressed out that made me get into an accident? I remember reading that the risk of getting into an accident is much higher during the year after separation. It all happened so fast and it disturbs me that I don't even really know if I was at fault or if it was the other car.

And then--we got home and H didn't even call at any point to make sure we'd gotten home safely.

Meanwhile, earlier today he brought over two dozen pink roses, I guess for D11's party. I didn't ask. He also helped clean up a little after the cake--and while I appreciate that, I think his kindness makes me feel even more hurt--because it seems easy for him to be kind in a superficial way (helping with stuff) but none of it translates into love.

Summer, I am indeed still affected by my H, and my ego is wounded, but it would take a miracle for us to reunite--on his part and on MINE. If he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to come back, it would be EXTREMELY hard for me to trust him or love him properly again after this.