If you want something you've NEVER had, you have to do something you've NEVER done before.
That just caused my brain to slam into the front of my skull.
I remember waaaaayyyy back in the beginning of my stand I heard something that really resonated with me at the time...
"If you're asking God for something big, be prepared to stand LONG"
I knew I was asking big...
But little did I know back then all that would occur to ME during this long stand; how I would be changed, how MY eyes would be opened, how I would slowly relearn love.
Everything that I knew, every way that I naturally acted, each predisposed thought, idea and perception that was ingrained in me over all the years of my life...they were each systematically flipped inside out, upside down and dealt with. I didn't do it myself. God in His grace and mercy did it. I kicked, screamed, cried & denied most of my way through it. But always, at the end of every day, I would put my family back into His hands. I promised countless times that I'd leave them - and myself - there but until recently I never did. I always took all the control back trying to mend things on my own, "fix" things with some new hairbrained scheme I'd cooked up. My efforts were always in vain. These marriages, these messes, they were made by us (with the help of our spouses be they the walk away or the one left behind), but to those of us that believe...we are called by faith to turn them over to Him and that's the single most difficult thing I found I had to do.
I quit a lot over the course of my stand. But it wasn't until I truly gave up - and I quit that one last time - that the final changes started to take shape. Again, they were IN ME.
Phil, I'm not one to automatically suggest therapy because I know first hand that issues and bad habits can be changed by a person simply having the will for it to happen. If you see negative behaviors in yourself that you want to change the first step is to stop blaming them on other people's negative behaviors. Make yourself accountable to God and to yourself. Not to anyone here or your wife or anyone else. When you do that and take it seriously, change will come and when you change, your wife will naturally be forced to react differently to you.
In the middle of typing this post I had to stop because my husband called me. That used to never happen. I just spent the last hour talking with him about work, the storm, the kids and we also got into a discussion about a Christian woman he knows through work who is standing for her marriage while her husband is having an affair. We talked about what the bible says about forgiveness and also what it says about adultery being an acceptable biblical reason for divorce. I casually mentioned what it said about forgiveness if the spouse has shown true repentance. All that was very dangerous territory for us but we had a good conversation. It wouldn't have happened had I not long ago laid down my own tendency to make excuses for my past - which means that there was a time that I blamed HIM for MY behavior. That was before I saw the light, though. Anyway, we wrapped up the call by making up silly southern rock classic song titles if they would have had the word "muskrat" in them. Don't ask. It was due to some silly stuff he and the boys got into at work today and we just took it to the extreme and it was hysterical. We were practically crying we were laughing so hard. It may seem stupid but really, it's priceless to me and it took a long time to get here.
A long time standing.
And being changed - as opposed to begging for someone else to change.
Sometimes people need inspiration and an example Phil.
I think I get you pretty well. I don't judge you harshly, because I can see past the hard shell you project. I also know that judging you is not helping you to change.
I have overall seen a slight improvement in some of the interactions between you and your wife. Mostly because you have done a better job of interacting.
I know how hard it is not to react when you are in so much pain. The less you react with the first thought, the first emotion, the first reflex action the better things seem to be, though.
I know you want to see changes in your W. I know you want her back. I know you love her and you love your children.
Things are kind of floating along and yet, you are reacting less. I don't know what will help you to do more of that. Silent prayers, looking away, counting to ten, pinching yourself? The more you are still and not reacting to her, the better things will get.
Don't get impatient. We still have a long way to go, Phil. I'll be here for you.
Remember about the butterfly effect. Less reacting is better for you and ultimately, will help with your children and eventually with your w.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Oh, the busy body would have to say something about bad behaved children! It was an observation and I'm usally a pretty good judge of charector.
Ahhhhhhhhh what am I going to do with this woman.
She called an hour ago made my son feel guilty for not being with her. He said he would go with her later. Then as soon as he hung up he said I'm staying with you dad.
She calls at 10. I told her he wants to stay with me. We are watching Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark. It was his idea since he has been playing the Lego version on PS2.
She starts screaming at me. I don't want to hear him cry when he says he never spends time with me. I said please just knock it off. He just said he wants to stay with me.
She wants to talk to him. I said when you done I want to talk to D.
I can hear him screaming at him. I said don't make him feel guilty. I took the phone off him. He doesn't need manipulated like that. He told her he wanted to stay with me. She says put your dad on.
I held the phone away because she was still acting like a lunatic. She says it again. I say I'm sorry there is no schedule, and he says he wants to stay here. She puts daugheter on. D says she is tired but we talk for a bit.
D says, mommy says the only reason son wants to stay with me is because I have more channels, more games, more stuff to do. I said that isn't true at all. If it was D, then you wouldn't leave either. She said well I just want to be with mommy. I said I know you do. Have a good night honey and be good for mommy. Love you.
The end of the evening... will she text next. I didn't call her once today. She called five times and texted once in the morning. Well she called because of her son.
Is this initiated contact her way of talking to me, or is she just missing son so much its killing her?
The post from Bworl about Never had was to me. Why such the long disertation?
What if I'm meant to be hers? Her example...
She's the one that needs to change! She is the one that formed me into a hard ass. I'm not her child and she shouldn't treat me like one. It was never an equal playing field. Goose and gander was never there.
Now how do I make a woman be on her own. Take her off the car insurance. Change the locks on the house. Make her change the title of the car. It is solely in my name. I'm probally going to loose my job. So she will not have any healthcare.
Make her get a custodial schedule. She feels lost in one day when her son doesn't want to be with her...
This is a sick woman. I don't think we need to project those things.
This cell phone stuff is bonkers... I should have kept it broken. Then I'm thinking she went to mass, and son and I went shopping. We were in a bad cell area. Was she trying to call, was she freaking out like I was over her? Am I going to get venom. I start to worry. Keep checking my phone to see if I get a bar, is there a voice mail. I need this woman to stay calm.
