One Last Pull for this Knot to Break

[forward]

Hi Sleeper, just wondering how it is going.

[sleeper]

There seem to be changes that could be described as "baby steps" but I'm not getting my hopes up or having any expectations.

X now calls from time to time. Seems to be connecting with the kids more and more. She asked if she could have them one afternoon this week to take them to a movie and requested kidswap a few hours early this weekend so she could take them to a play. I agreed to both but added a stipulation that she pick them up from school on the day she wanted them during the week. I'm trying to be pleasant and accomodating without being a pushover.

When she brought them to me she came in and lingered for a while. She called my bird by name and said hello to her. She commented that my apt looked better and was interested in additions to my aquariums. We talked politics like we used to as I walked her to her car. She was without OM this time.

She called yesterday at the time she knew I was off work and would have just picked up the kids. She asked, "What are you doing?" I answered, "Uh, driving home with the kids." I think she and OM are one the outs (one of many times but hopefully the final time) and she may be bored or realizing what she is missing.

Later in the evening DD called X. She was out at happy hour with "the girls." A little later X called me. We chit-chatted for a few minutes. I ended the conversation.

Just a couple of days ago a thought crossed my mind for the first time that I might not want X back. Last night I had a dream that I met someone I was really interested in and we were going on a date.

Maybe "I am starting to change."

[C_K]

This is quite normal.

Just a couple of days ago a thought crossed my mind for the first time that I might not want X back.

I have this thought all the time. I think it is healthy at this stage of your R to question what you want. It also means that she has some work to do to win you over , which is not a bad thing at all. Your W is going to have to make some changes for you to have her back as well , thats if you two are ever to have a great relationship going forward.

Dave

[forward]

I agree w/CK wholeheartedly.

[TRUSTING]

Sleeper,

I think I am about at the same place in my sitch as you. My ex has been making pretty steady baby steps. However, I have also been experiencing those thoughts of not taking ex back. It is so overwhelming all the damage he has done. These thoughts scare me.

[sleeper]

Speak of the devil.

"I speak of the devil regularly, but when I'm irregular I think it's the devil speaking to me."(Something Groucho Marx might say)

X called several times around lunchtime but I missd her calls. When I saw them on the ID I hesitated calling her back but decided I would. She wanted me and the kids to join her for lunch. I told her I had plans. She asked if I could bring the kids to see her for a minute at the resturant anyway. I told her I would because it was on our way and we were nearby.

After we arrived the kids said hi to X and then ran off to visit a friend of theirs they saw in the resturant. I sat down across from X who was already eating and we talked. The visit was with me about 93% and with the kids about 7%. She shared problems at work that were bothering her.

When she finished eating and we all left together. I put the kids in my car first as I had parked beside hers. I walked her back to her car, opened the door for her and made a point to reach across her and buckle her in her seat. She said, "thank you."

She called around dinnertime and asked if she could get the kids late tomorrow instead of early. I said no problem. We talked briefly about her issues at work and I offered a few suggestions. She said she has tickets to an event she is not going to be able to take the kids to explaining I could take them if I wanted. She added she had an extra ticket if I wanted to take someone along. She said, "I bought an extra ticket, in case (she paused) I found a girlfriend or someone who wanted to go with us."

I told her I would take the kids to church tomorrow and she told me how pleased she was that I would. She then opened up and related that it bothered her when I continued to go to the church we had been attending together after we separated. She now feels she was being "selfish" for having those feelings. I told her I didn't realize she had felt that way.

[sleeper]

Dropped kids off at X's for her week to have them last night. She didn't want me to leave immediately as usual. I think this is because she usually has a couple of questions about the kids. She's put on more weight. I almost reached over and rubbed her belly. Glad I didn't.

Had an interesting and very transparent dream last night. I was holding a small mechanical device and it fell apart. I began to try to put it back together (I'm fairly mechanically inclined). There were little springs and nylon and metal bearings and seals. Some were very tiny and I had a hard time holding on to them. I got about halfway through and realized I was stumped as I didn't see how some of it was put together before it broke and I didn't think I had all the parts.

Then I woke up.

[sleeper]

I lost my cool tonight. Been a long time since I did that.

I picked up kids from aftercare and took them to an activity tonight even though it was X's week. She requested that I do that and since it fit into my schedule I agreed.

She told me she would be home by 7:15 as her meeting ended at 7:00 and I could drop off the kids at her place. She tried to call me at 7:00 but my phone was off and she left no message. When I got out of my meeting I saw she had called and I tried to return her call. Her phone was off. I took kids to her house when she said she would be there but she wasn't. I tried a second time to call her with no answer. Her voicemail was full both times I called and I couldn't leave a message. I tried OM's phone and it was off too.

A few minutes later she called me. She asked, "what are you doing?" "Driving around trying to find you," I answered. "I'm at _________," she said. I said, "I'll bring the kids to you." "No, don't do that, I'll be there in 15 minutes she said." I hung up.

I drove around for a while and circled back around to her house and pulled in behind OM's car as they were getting out. I kissed kids goodby and drove off as she was motioning for me to stop.

She immediately called, said I had no reason to be angry. Yada, yada, yada.

I was pissed because she wasn't where she told me she would be when she said she would (she had gone to have a drink with OM because she had such a "bad day.") and I was doing her a favor. She didn't bother to leave me a message that she would be late even though she had the opportunity. Her phone was off and her voicemail was full

At one point in the argument she started to pull the old, "This is why we're divorced.... Everytime I think we're becoming friends..." I cut her off and told her the reason we're divorced is because it's all about her as she's the only person she cares about and friends don't treat each other that way. She said something about me being angry at the world and the "hand" I've been dealt. I told her I'm not angry at the world at all.

Arguing with her is more productive now (like a painful, wet cough) as she doesn't lose it quite so bad. I can actually understand what she's saying on the phone as the screaming is not nearly as loud.

It actually ended well (like when the doctor says, "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?") as she explained her side (she needed a break) and I explained my side (her failure to communicate plan changes to me, and her inacccessability by phone).

She called me back after we got off the phone the first time to ask me something about the kids and I said, "I know you think I'm the biggest @sshole in the world." She ended the convo saying, "No I don't. I'll talk to you later."

I don't know whether I've just established a boundary or executed a major backslide (is there a difference?).

It probally doesn't matter anyway. And what's really neat is that to a large degree, I don't care anymore.

She has the kids for the remainder of the week. Let's see how well she can do without my help (OM took them to school and I picked them up today).

Think she wants some ice cream with that cake?

[TRUSTING]

Sleeper,

I know just how you feel. It gets to the point of, "whatever".
You get tired of not being yourself. I think you did fine. You are not a doormat, you have a life, she needs to respect your time. You had legitimate boundary setting issues.

[forward]

"And what's really neat is that to a large degree, I don't care anymore."

Sleeper, this is not a bad place to be. I think things do change when you start to feel indifferent. You gain back some power.