be the bigger person and look deeper and see how you both harmed each other
I do and I have. I want to work on this. I know how I did things wrong with her.
Here is a perfect example.
She just came by 15 minutes ago. I was moping these hard wood floors. The door is wide open and the screen door is not locked. She was ringing the door bell like crazy. She opened the door and called for son. I said we are back here. She called for him again. She said why didn't you answer your phone. I said I didn't hear it ring. I'm moping. I walked to that section of the house. She was standing there with the door open. I was like what are you doing. She said I want to see if he wants to come with me to go to church. I asked her what mass she was going too. She told me. He told her no. I said where is daughter. She said in the car. We walked outside. She said do not even look at her. I waved to daughter and blew her a kiss. I said why. She said because she is miserable and acting like a little B|tch. I said please do not talk about our daughter that way. (Now before someone gets in a huffy. Son was in the house and daughter was in the car with the windows up.) She said well you know its true. I said I do not think that of our daughter and I said I do not even think that of you. She said yeah right.
I then asked daughter if she wants to stay with me. But she didn't answer and wife was pulling away.
AmyC... I had flashback memories when she was WAW@Home. I was working in the kitchen. I remember I was a little buzzed up. I came home and she was in my face. I pushed her. Then I tried to slap her. Because she was accusing me of cheating on her. It was after 11. I was screaming at her to shut up. I didn't do anything wrong. I remember sitting there installing the sink crying, wailing over it. She asked me what was wrong. I told her. She said you are just bringing me down and stormed out of the house.
The thing is she never brings up that story. She brings the story up of how I spit water in her face and how I jammed a pizza in her face.
She never brings the story up of how she threw a margerine container at me though, or the more recent peanut butter jar.
The margerine container story. I was out shooting with my buddies. We went to the bar afterwords to have a couple of drinks. Next thing I know pig girl walks in. I said please do not tell my wife I'm in here. I'm just having two drinks with my pals and I'm going on. I'm not galavanting and she would not understand. Pig girl said deal as long as you don't tell your wife that I'm in here with a married man. I was like what. She said well I need some and he is available tonight, but he is married.
I said deal. She said you wife would kill me if she knew I was with a married man.
That very next morning. She sang. At 8:30 I was installing hard wood flooring. Next thing I know a tub of margerine comes flying by my head. She said didn't you think my friend was going to tell me you were at the bar. Your little secrets out, and I know she was with a married man because she is a pig just like you.
So there you have it. Pig girl looks good. I look bad. Now the pig girl validates. I found her on FB too. She list her religion as spiritual. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA don't make me laugh. Yeah spiritual to the gold calf and the sex gods.
I don't feel restless. I still have hope.
I have reflected my wrongs, and I'm still telling you she hasn't accepted one iota of resposibility for failure.
do you ahve any sort of custody arrangement with your wife?
No because she will not talk to me about one. Plus I want to see my kids everyday, and I would rather than be with me than tornado girl. I also think the responsibility of her having to worry about droppping them off at school, picking the up, taking them here or there, or relying on me to accomadate is a form of loss to her.
Quote:
please don't assume that all single moms have misbehaved children and are out trolling for a mate
I'm not. I'm just simply stating an observation. I felt like I made the woman nervous. She kept fixing her hair, and checking herself. I also felt like she wanted to interact with me. That's all. I said it felt good to think that I still had something left in the tank to give. However I'm simply not interested in anybody else. I truely want my wife back.
This is a buzz word with me. It usually pisses the hell out of me. No frank, you get help ok. I asked this board countless times not to suggest that I need professional help. It is all too easy for someone to sit back read a few paragraphs and suggest professional help. Like the whole world needs professional help. Violence is instilled in us from a young age. It was in our cartoons. Put on the news. That is all you see. For crying out loud in Korea, there was a dead person on the side walk and people just walked by. No Humanity what so ever.
Look I'm not even going to justify why I spit water in her face again. It was a reaction. A bad reaction. She was throwing the divorce word around two years ago. I told her to do it, or never bring it up again. She brought it up again a year later.
Reminds me of the first year of marriage. It was pretty rough. The D word flew way to easy, but we stuck it out. She got pregnant and we bought a house. The never ending house...
Here's a thought for you, straight from one of my son's football coaches...
Quote:
If you want something you've never had, you will have to do something you've never done.
It doesn't sound to me like the relationship between you and your wife has EVER been right.
You make lots of excuses for yourself as to why you CAN'T do things that people suggest here.
I've read far too many times how poorly she would react to you actually taking a stand on some of this absolutely ridiculous behavior.
It's nothing more than excuses.
Because, as my son's football coach would tell his players, it's HARD and UNCOMFORTABLE to do something you've never done before.
It takes courage and a true strength of personal conviction (that is, KNOWING that what you are standing up about MUST be changed) to be willing to accept crap from a person because you INSIST that things change and be made right.
It's far easier to continue allowing the same ridiculous, poor, disfunctional behavior.
It's easier for US - we don't have to change.
It's easier for US - we don't have to face their wrath.
It's easier for US - we don't have to be afraid of alienating completely from our lives.
Easier.
But easier will NOT get you that thing that you've always wanted, but have NEVER, EVER possessed.
I believe it was Einstein who said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome.
If you continue to DO the same....you will GET the same result.
As so many others have pointed out...until you are willing and able to LEAVE the comfort of "things the way they are," you will NEVER provoke change in the dynamics between you and your wife.
Period.
You can hope for it, pray for it, whatever else you want to do about it. If you don't at some point take some SIGNIFICANT steps to CHANGE the way the two of you BEHAVE, NOTHING will change between the two of you.
And, as Einstein points out, it is insanity to think otherwise.
If you want something you've NEVER had, you have to do something you've NEVER done before.
Think about that a bit.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I don't want to presume to speak for Bworl so I am going to tell you how I read Bworl's post...
it seems like you tell us all of these horrible things that happen between you (and violence is ALWAYS wrong...shoving pizza in her face or spitting water at her or her throwing tubs of whatever at you are all not only morally wrong but punishable legally as well. There is no excuse...because you see it all the time doesn't make it ok)
so if you don't want things to be horrible you have to change the dynamic.
instead of getting all in a snit because someone says something you don't like and discounting anything they say, take a moment and consider it
people are offering you advice because they have been where you are
when you pray for patience, you are not GIVEN patience, you are given the opportunity to use patience, to find it within yourself.
what you are doing with your wife is not working
instead of looking for excuses why it isn't working
do the hard work and find something that does
TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT
be proactive instead of reactive meet her spew with kindness
her anger with grace
only don't do it in a self-righteous way
do it out of love do it to be a better person yourself do it if she finds her way back or not
you do need help the violence and degradation that you speak about is deafening
the lessons you are teaching your children by these interactions is unhealthy and sad
Tells me two things. Her child is misbehaved because he comes from a broken family. She isn't with anybody because there was no ring, and since the children had bad behavior it is most likely she was single.
Big assumption Phil and wrong. My daughter acts way better now, and as a reminder - your children are currently in a broken home relationship. Judge not......
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
