God give me the patience and the strength...6

[Creed]

TOH

Someone can't be helped, unless they want to help themselves.

Do you want to help yourself, or are you here looking for sympathy? Not support , but sympathy?

You've made this all so much about YOU, and what YOU need and want, that you've pushed the possibility of working on a reconcilation almost to zero.

Your H is NOT the same person as he was before, yet you continue to expect him to re-act/feel the same. The marriage you had before the bomb is dead and gone. Sure, the memories and family you share are still there, but you need to realize that what worked before, no longer works now.

You HAVE to start looking within yourself for your strength and happiness. You cannot expect your H to do this for you. Do not look at him for support/praise. Learn to find those things within yourself and others. If he praises you along the way, great. But don't make him the sole source of your everyday life. Do not do things only because you think that is what he might want to see/hear from you.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

Make yourself into the person that YOU want and need to be. Do not look to him to get you through the day/night emotionally or physically.

Detaching does not mean not loving/missing them. It means that you release them to God and go on with your life, improving yourself for yourself, learning..experiencing..forgiving yourself and them, but always setting goals for your OWN life, not setting goals on how to get them back to who they use to be in your view.

Each and everyone of us here have felt the same things in the same way that you have. We all miss the same things that you say you miss. But after a time, we learn to dust ourselves off, start to gain our self-respect back and set out on our journey while our spouses are on theirs. You don't have to be a victim unless you want to be. Your H isn't doing this to you, you are.

Of course his actions/words can still hurt you. That's perfectly normal. But if you want to start to dig yourself out of that hole you've been in, then YOU have to pick up the shovel and start some real meaningful progress in your OWN life. Don't wait around hoping he will do the work for you.

There is no way, if I was a WAS, that I would want to return to a needy LBS who felt they couldn't go on without me. That everything in their life revolved around me being there..doing for them..me being the reason for their happiness/unhappiness.

And you know what TOH, that is exactly what I was to my XH, and I can totally see now how it created a mountain of resentment on his part. Doesn't mean I agree on his behavior, not at all. But I can certainly understand why NO ONE , including your H would want to deal with that 24/7.

I am so far from perfect it's laughable, but boy, have I learned alot through all of this, and so will you if you try to change yourself more than try to change the circumstances/husband.

A regret that I have is that my XH is not around to see what HIS actions provoked in my life. There are positives that can come out of these painful times..if you allow them to.