sad but we cant help you til you want to help yourself you really seem to relish the victim role.
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I'm so tired of all this. I am tired of being alone. I hate it. I'm tired of not feeling worthy. I'm tired of being rejected.
then try something different....what have you got to loose? nothing, its already as bad as it gets. has your approach really worked???? im no rocket scientist but your H seems as stuck as he was over a year ago and you TOH well are you happy with this approach? has it really gained your H back, are you really truely happy with yourself???? Is this the limbo you want? a H who wont commit but will give a day here a weekend and some sex there....
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The only time I feel joy anymore is when I spend time with H
its sad you have made your life so dependent on another person. and this is what keeps him away because you are so desperate and needy for him to complete your life. His life is in so much turmoil right now, he cant take care of his own emotional upheaval(thats why the OW) he cant possibly imagine meeting your needs...so he runs.
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Why H doesn't want to be with me anymore
you have your answer, you just refuse to see it.
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an2m Yes I am and proud of myself too!!)
Life is sucking pretty bad for me right now
less than 24 hrs between those 2 posts. have you thought about meds? your ups are too up and your downs too down....
and really consider making you a whole person w/out your H...it just may be what saves your M
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
YOU have made your life revolve around HIM and you are spinning worse than he is.
I am sorry if that sounds harsh but you really do need to let go of him, leave him the heck alone and let him do what he wants to do because no matter what you say, he will do what he wants anyways.
You must detach because it is not making you a very healthy person.
Get yourself in order first and then take care of those kids.
You must do things for yourself, do not drive by or check up on him. If he comes over, you don't have to go out there at all times.
Just leave him alone. Maybe he is acting this way because of the way you have been acting.
If he sees you can have a life of your own and can be somewhat independent maybe he will notice.
Do not expect any changes in him for awhile.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Someone can't be helped, unless they want to help themselves.
Do you want to help yourself, or are you here looking for sympathy? Not support , but sympathy?
You've made this all so much about YOU, and what YOU need and want, that you've pushed the possibility of working on a reconcilation almost to zero.
Your H is NOT the same person as he was before, yet you continue to expect him to re-act/feel the same. The marriage you had before the bomb is dead and gone. Sure, the memories and family you share are still there, but you need to realize that what worked before, no longer works now.
You HAVE to start looking within yourself for your strength and happiness. You cannot expect your H to do this for you. Do not look at him for support/praise. Learn to find those things within yourself and others. If he praises you along the way, great. But don't make him the sole source of your everyday life. Do not do things only because you think that is what he might want to see/hear from you.
Detach. Detach. Detach.
Make yourself into the person that YOU want and need to be. Do not look to him to get you through the day/night emotionally or physically.
Detaching does not mean not loving/missing them. It means that you release them to God and go on with your life, improving yourself for yourself, learning..experiencing..forgiving yourself and them, but always setting goals for your OWN life, not setting goals on how to get them back to who they use to be in your view.
Each and everyone of us here have felt the same things in the same way that you have. We all miss the same things that you say you miss. But after a time, we learn to dust ourselves off, start to gain our self-respect back and set out on our journey while our spouses are on theirs. You don't have to be a victim unless you want to be. Your H isn't doing this to you, you are.
Of course his actions/words can still hurt you. That's perfectly normal. But if you want to start to dig yourself out of that hole you've been in, then YOU have to pick up the shovel and start some real meaningful progress in your OWN life. Don't wait around hoping he will do the work for you.
There is no way, if I was a WAS, that I would want to return to a needy LBS who felt they couldn't go on without me. That everything in their life revolved around me being there..doing for them..me being the reason for their happiness/unhappiness.
And you know what TOH, that is exactly what I was to my XH, and I can totally see now how it created a mountain of resentment on his part. Doesn't mean I agree on his behavior, not at all. But I can certainly understand why NO ONE , including your H would want to deal with that 24/7.
I am so far from perfect it's laughable, but boy, have I learned alot through all of this, and so will you if you try to change yourself more than try to change the circumstances/husband.
A regret that I have is that my XH is not around to see what HIS actions provoked in my life. There are positives that can come out of these painful times..if you allow them to.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
TOH everyone here has given you good advice, but you seem to not want it. Only you can make changes for your situation.
You do remind me of myself though. I do remember being stuck like you were over a year ago. The difference is I started to make changes for myself. I realized my h was gone and nothing was going to bring him back.
I stopped the R talks, stopped calling him, did my best to stop thinking of him, what I did do was make changes for myself. Started to live my life without h because that was what I was left with. My h wasn't around to be included in on my life nor did he want to be around me.
My h would always say to me there is nothing to come home to. I don't want to be around you. Those words hurt, but I had to look deep at who I was and how I was projecting myself around my h. I realized he was right I was pushing him away rather than drawing him in. He was being suffocated by my questioning and my negative attitude around him.
After months of changes my h is progressing in a small way. He is not home, but I am encouraged that one day he may find his way home.
Ask yourself TOH, who you are today is that someone your h would like to spend the rest of his life with? You can be kind, loving, supportive, encouraging from a distance and then wait on God and see what changes he may bring about in you and your h.
Change starts with you TOH.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
