I also have to take a look inside. I have dropped the rope, let go of expectations and so on and so forth.
NOW~ more than ever I need to heal me. Not worry about hubby and this or that or that.... I have to heal me. I have a lot of things to get thru. I look in the mirror and I dont like who I see. I am unsure of who I am and I feel ugly half the time. I feel like I am never good enough. I feel sad and I have many things to be thankful for. Sure I have bad things and hubby is this or that. But I focus on the bad more than the good. WE had an amazing evening and I go back into curl up in a ball mode so easy. I do want inner strength and peace. he cant give me these things. I have to give them to myself and yet I dont.
It is like the diet I will start on Monday... I never start it or I cheat and dont reach my goal. I am tired of that really. I know it wont happen overnite.
These Demons that keep bubbling up I will have to work thru. My H does love me but if I embrace it , he will just leave like everybody else. I cant trust anyone is what my mind tells me. and he has 'told' me this too. By His behavior. I know in the past and still sometimes at present I am partly to blame for this. Trust people and they will let you down. I want to be healthy. I cant just wave a wand or take a pill. Although that would be nice.
So I have to put in the effort... but I am of the mind set that I needed to do it all before and now it seems insurmountable.
It isn't all about my Ego either. I just want to have a healthy relationship with the Man I chose to grow old with. I want for him to also see that he has chosen me and treat me like a gift once in awhile. That gift like when it is really hot and no air at all. And then suddenly a fresh breeze comes and it cools down and it rains on top of that and you feel refreshed and blessed that you are not so hot anymore.
The other day as a matter of fact it was soooooooooo hot here. I was finally just uncomfortable @ 7pm and getting a little cranky with myself for not tolerating the heat so well. And this beautiful breeze comes in our room... It felt so very good. I smiled and said out loud. WOW~ God does love me.
And my Hubby asks why are you saying that? And I reply cause I was getting so uncomfortable and then that awesome breeze came in. MY Hubby rolls his eyes :roll: and says honey why do you always think like that? The weather man said it was going to cool down!
Well I think it is GOD~ I replied and he was speechless.
Anyway.... I am sure I am that breeze for him , he just wont say it unless he is really missing me when he goes away to Mexico.
I would love to hear it more, but then again? Would I even believe it or better yet really feel his love. I have more this week than in a very long time.... I am still hungry for more~
