He admitted his life has no stability or direction anymore and he has been alienated from friends and family.
He said he loves me!! He said I am a great woman and a wonderful mother...
I responded back and told him all I needed was to hear he loved me. We could get thru this together, I would stand by his side with my head high proud to be his wife.
Sandy, this is where you lost it, in my opinion. I know it's tough to think in the moment, especially when we hear the words we are so longing to hear, but it would have been better had you not pushed for this convo at all. But having pushed, this would have been a better response:
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He said he loves me!! He said I am a great woman and a wonderful mother...
You: "That's all well and good, but you still have a decision to make. I hope you'll make it very soon, because I don't know how much longer I can wait."
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We could get thru this together, I would stand by his side with my head high proud to be his wife.
This is the PERFECT response, but only if and when he's decided to fully commit to you, and agree to 100% no-contact and transparency. He needs to know that your love for him is unconditional, but your willingness to remain in a MARRIAGE with him, absolutely has conditions now, now that he's made the destructive decision to have an affair.
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This situation is not just about him..We let our marriage get to crisis mode.
CAREFUL. Yes, you should own up to your part of the marital problems, but do NOT create the moral equivalency of "it's just the same as having an affair." It's not.
Here's another way to look at it: eventually, you will both have to own up to your contributions to the demise of the marital state. But since only ONE of you broke their vows, he gets to go first.
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But... how does he feel about OW? He has left me twice to go to her. Why is he drawn to her and if he came back there could be no contct..no secrets.. no lies..100% committed to me.
He said before he does anything he needs to see his family in Chicago...
A while later he sends dates for the first week of October that he wants to go... I ask him UHHH.. and your going to keep living with OW for a month while you decide?
He sent me a text saying we will talk tomorrow.
Today is my D 14th birthday..We have soccer and lunch planned..
I think that is a deal breaker for me if he doesnt move out of her house and start the dating process..even if he is not completely ready to move home..he could stay anywhere....
I am completely overewhelmed.... I knew he still loved me.. I feel it.. I just hope this is all for me and not the pressure the affair being out in the open has put on him... All that is confusing..because he has left 3 times..
You need to emotionally detach! You are in MAJOR decision-making time, and your emotions and and feelings are coming dangerously close to controlling how you handle it. It is IMPERATIVE that you get a grip on them, calmly and rationally decide what it is you want to ask for, and then ask for it with no reservations and no waffling. If you don't feel you can do this in person, then do it via 3rd party or via e-mail -- seriously.
I'm sorry to sound harsh here, Sandy, but he's hurt you three times, and none of us want to see him hurt you again. You know what they say about "the definition of stupidity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."
Your husband is an addict. He's addicted to OW. He is weak. If he does still love you (and I have little doubt that he does), then you hold the cards and NOW is your moment of maximum leverage.
DO NOT WAVER. Insist upon 100% no-contact, and full transparency. PERIOD.
