My thought process on open communication is I was trying to let him know that no matter what has happened with us..if he wants his family enough..he could come home and work on it... I didnt want to shut the door and give him no options...
So you think I am being too easy? I dont think he is courageous enough to beg to come home and I am scared to lose any opportunity.. Go ahead..yell at me... I am scared..plain and simple...
I can tell he is so confused and I want him to see I am the woman he fell in love with...
So... as his morning commute usually starts any minute... I expect to hear from him.... no replies?
My thought process on open communication is I was trying to let him know that no matter what has happened with us..if he wants his family enough..he could come home and work on it...
He knows this already. Any repeated mention of it is not only "pursuing," but will be perceived by him negatively as "PRESSURE." Just ask Sandi or WDID.
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So you think I am being too easy?
Not necessarily, and that's not my call. I believe you asked HOW you could be tougher, so I answered. In any event, I DO think you RESCUE too much (I do, too!), and I'm trying to get you not to do that. This is his mess, and he has to fix it.
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I dont think he is courageous enough to beg to come home and I am scared to lose any opportunity..
You don't need him to beg. You just need him to agree to leave OW and come and work at his marriage. If he's perceiving that you need him to beg, then set him straight that all you're looking for is his COMMITMENT and his EFFORT, and 100% no-contact. Remorse will come later (or maybe it won't -- it doesn't always).
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Go ahead..yell at me... I am scared..plain and simple...
I understand the fear completely, Sandy. Remember, I've been there. The trick is not to OPERATE based on the fear, but rather on what is RIGHT and on what WORKS. Own your fear, that's not a problem. Just don't use it to guide your actions and your decision-making.
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I can tell he is so confused and I want him to see I am the woman he fell in love with...
He knows who you are. Act with integrity, and strength, and certainly don't be an ass. But do NOT rescue him. Not only will it be ineffective, but he will actually perceive it as WEAK, which won't help you.
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So... as his morning commute usually starts any minute... I expect to hear from him.... no replies?
Until he agrees to no-contact with his girlfriend, and to recommit himself 100% to your marriage, I believe you should only reply if it pertains to the family or some urgent legal or financial matter. Any "How are you?"s should be ignored.
I am so amazed at the strength you showed in writing that letter. I am speechless. I would love to be able to do that. wow. although scary it must of been empowering.
I know in my situation I was the one that had the A and my H moved out but we did a 180 turn and he will not come back. I would so love to be able to say enough and write a letter like that. At the moment H has best of both worlds. He knows i am available anytime and he lives outside of the home. Wrong to let him i know but I am so scared of losing him altogether !!!
Dont be amazed at my srength...I really have none.... I am scared but I cant live like this not knowing...
So... his lack of replying to my email like he said he would, then 4 days of fun playful text, he called me Babe in one.... I pushed the envelope....
Yesterday on my way to counseling ..I sent him a text to please start bringing boxes home... I wanted all his stuff out before I go back to work on the 15th.
He responded with wow..ok... ( how could he be shocked)
anyway it prompted many texts.. and he did send me a partial email response to mine..I asked him to send even if it was unfinished.
He feels shame, disgust, guilt..... for what he has put everyone thru..yes even OW.
He admitted his life has no stability or direction anymore and he has been alienated from friends and family.
He said he loves me!! He said I am a great woman and a wonderful mother...
I responded back and told him all I needed was to hear he loved me. We could get thru this together, I would stand by his side with my head high proud to be his wife.
This situation is not just about him..We let our marriage get to crisis mode.
But... how does he feel about OW? He has left me twice to go to her. Why is he drawn to her and if he came back there could be no contct..no secrets.. no lies..100% committed to me.
He said before he does anything he needs to see his family in Chicago...
A while later he sends dates for the first week of October that he wants to go... I ask him UHHH.. and your going to keep living with OW for a month while you decide?
He sent me a text saying we will talk tomorrow.
Today is my D 14th birthday..We have soccer and lunch planned..
I think that is a deal breaker for me if he doesnt move out of her house and start the dating process..even if he is not completely ready to move home..he could stay anywhere....
I am completely overewhelmed.... I knew he still loved me.. I feel it.. I just hope this is all for me and not the pressure the affair being out in the open has put on him... All that is confusing..because he has left 3 times..
We shall see what today brings..I have not let down my gaurd..I know it was only words..
What is fair to ask? Im not even sure how to take these next steps.
What is fair to ask is nothing less than his full and total commitment to your marriage; his fidelity and his effort. No guaranteed results, but his fidelity and his effort should be non-negotiable.
And, were it me, I would give him five minutes to decide (but that's just me).
He's wanting to have both plates spinning while he tries to decide -- you and OW. You need to let him know "I love you too, but I absolutely am not willing to live in an open marriage, nor am I willing to let my heart be shattered the way you did this past month. I must, and I WILL, protect myself. So I guess you have a decision to make."
Your husband is weak, and you cannot MAKE him be any stronger. All you CAN do is let him know what YOUR boundaries are, and then stand firm on them.
Some people on these boards have spouses who are having affairs, and are lying about it.
Others have spouses who are having affairs, who insist they're "just friends."
Others are having affairs, admit it (or were caught at it), and express no desire to end it and work on their marriages.
But some are having affairs, admit it (or were caught at it), and still express love toward their spouse, but just claim they "can't" end it, or they waffle.
This is where you guys are.
I think these marriages have a very good chance of survival, but I also think the point you are at is critical. If you believe your husband is worth having, and you believe he is sincere in his love for YOU, then you need to insist upon 100% no-contact and full transparency, and give him a deadline for deciding, whether it's five minutes, one hour or 24 hours (and I wouldn't make it more than that).
If he refuses or even waffles, you'll have your answer, and you'll need to stop pursuing him.
He admitted his life has no stability or direction anymore and he has been alienated from friends and family.
He said he loves me!! He said I am a great woman and a wonderful mother...
I responded back and told him all I needed was to hear he loved me. We could get thru this together, I would stand by his side with my head high proud to be his wife.
Sandy, this is where you lost it, in my opinion. I know it's tough to think in the moment, especially when we hear the words we are so longing to hear, but it would have been better had you not pushed for this convo at all. But having pushed, this would have been a better response:
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He said he loves me!! He said I am a great woman and a wonderful mother...
You: "That's all well and good, but you still have a decision to make. I hope you'll make it very soon, because I don't know how much longer I can wait."
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We could get thru this together, I would stand by his side with my head high proud to be his wife.
This is the PERFECT response, but only if and when he's decided to fully commit to you, and agree to 100% no-contact and transparency. He needs to know that your love for him is unconditional, but your willingness to remain in a MARRIAGE with him, absolutely has conditions now, now that he's made the destructive decision to have an affair.
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This situation is not just about him..We let our marriage get to crisis mode.
CAREFUL. Yes, you should own up to your part of the marital problems, but do NOT create the moral equivalency of "it's just the same as having an affair." It's not.
Here's another way to look at it: eventually, you will both have to own up to your contributions to the demise of the marital state. But since only ONE of you broke their vows, he gets to go first.
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But... how does he feel about OW? He has left me twice to go to her. Why is he drawn to her and if he came back there could be no contct..no secrets.. no lies..100% committed to me.
He said before he does anything he needs to see his family in Chicago...
A while later he sends dates for the first week of October that he wants to go... I ask him UHHH.. and your going to keep living with OW for a month while you decide?
He sent me a text saying we will talk tomorrow.
Today is my D 14th birthday..We have soccer and lunch planned..
I think that is a deal breaker for me if he doesnt move out of her house and start the dating process..even if he is not completely ready to move home..he could stay anywhere....
I am completely overewhelmed.... I knew he still loved me.. I feel it.. I just hope this is all for me and not the pressure the affair being out in the open has put on him... All that is confusing..because he has left 3 times..
You need to emotionally detach! You are in MAJOR decision-making time, and your emotions and and feelings are coming dangerously close to controlling how you handle it. It is IMPERATIVE that you get a grip on them, calmly and rationally decide what it is you want to ask for, and then ask for it with no reservations and no waffling. If you don't feel you can do this in person, then do it via 3rd party or via e-mail -- seriously.
I'm sorry to sound harsh here, Sandy, but he's hurt you three times, and none of us want to see him hurt you again. You know what they say about "the definition of stupidity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."
Your husband is an addict. He's addicted to OW. He is weak. If he does still love you (and I have little doubt that he does), then you hold the cards and NOW is your moment of maximum leverage.
DO NOT WAVER. Insist upon 100% no-contact, and full transparency. PERIOD.
Sorry I have not been on this weekend...Its been busy with both daughters in soccer and yesterday was D14th birthday.
Where do I start....
Did spend the majority of Saturday with hubby and kids as a family... I was upset at lunch when he told me he had a last minute softball practice..so our "talk" would be pushed off until Sunday morning.
Hubby could see I was obviously upset.. when we left the restaurant he rubbed my back and said "san.. we will talk, it will be ok"
As much as I wanted to be reassured..I didn't let myself get my hopes up.
He took D10 with him so he got to spend 4 hours with her..took her out to dinner. She enjoyed that.
He came over Sunday morning..We (D10 and I) made him a nice breakfast that was ready when he walked in the door.
We had our talk... he says he is ready to end his relationship with OW.. he has a friend that lives down the street that he was planning on asking tonight if he could stay there while we ease back into a relationship...
Both of us agree that moving from one to another and back again is not good. We both think it will be good for him to have time to think..and I want to make sure he is done with OW.
He said he loves me and not her... only time will tell how sincere he is.. As much as I want to believe him..I have to be cautious with my heart...
So..right now he is watching football up the street... how the next step transitions to him telling her and getting his stuff I am not sure.. I need to give him space to figure out this mess..
I will keep you posted..and welcome any advice for how best to handle all this.
I'm glad that he's leaning in your direction. He will need help in order to do this, as he's shown previously that he's weak and won't be able to pull it off his way.
Are you familiar with "no-contact" letters, and "transparency" plans? You will need to do both in order for this to have a chance to succeed.
I'm concerned about him not living at home with you while he tries to end his contact with OW, and go thru what will be -- if he truly leaves her -- a pretty strong withdrawal period. I've never heard of a transparency plan done from any place OTHER than the two spouses living in the same home, and without a transparency plan, I'm afraid that he's just going to slip back into contact with her.
I want to stress something to both of you: ANY contact, at any point -- even NEGATIVE contact -- resets his withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00. Meaning, any gains that have been made in him moving emotionally back to you and your marriage will have been undone, and the process will have to start all over again. This is a chemical and physiological fact.
