What is fair to ask is nothing less than his full and total commitment to your marriage; his fidelity and his effort. No guaranteed results, but his fidelity and his effort should be non-negotiable.
And, were it me, I would give him five minutes to decide (but that's just me).
He's wanting to have both plates spinning while he tries to decide -- you and OW. You need to let him know "I love you too, but I absolutely am not willing to live in an open marriage, nor am I willing to let my heart be shattered the way you did this past month. I must, and I WILL, protect myself. So I guess you have a decision to make."
Your husband is weak, and you cannot MAKE him be any stronger. All you CAN do is let him know what YOUR boundaries are, and then stand firm on them.
Some people on these boards have spouses who are having affairs, and are lying about it.
Others have spouses who are having affairs, who insist they're "just friends."
Others are having affairs, admit it (or were caught at it), and express no desire to end it and work on their marriages.
But some are having affairs, admit it (or were caught at it), and still express love toward their spouse, but just claim they "can't" end it, or they waffle.
This is where you guys are.
I think these marriages have a very good chance of survival, but I also think the point you are at is critical. If you believe your husband is worth having, and you believe he is sincere in his love for YOU, then you need to insist upon 100% no-contact and full transparency, and give him a deadline for deciding, whether it's five minutes, one hour or 24 hours (and I wouldn't make it more than that).
If he refuses or even waffles, you'll have your answer, and you'll need to stop pursuing him.
