The books had birthday notes in them (nothing mushy), just things like "hope it comes in handy". One book was Time Out Prague, the other was living and working in Portugal. Anyway, if I can catch the delivery myself, great, if not I really don't think they are that bad. If I catch them first I'll just take the notes out and stick them on the bookshelf. He may never notice or may always wonder. It is only that I was just reading the list of things we shouldn't do as LBS and one of them was to give gifts. It is so weird for me not to give gifts, as it really is a part of who I am. I had to battle with myself not to make a really big gesture for his birthday like offer to use my frequent flier miles for his cousin to come out from the US. Seems my gifts are not appreciated anyway (at least not outwardly). The trip to Prague has never been brought up again. Maybe he doesn't want to do it now that I've suggested it (even though it was his idea first). If only it were as easy as reverse psychology...I could say, "I really don't think I should move back in.", and of course he would fight this...:)
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
The fact is those gifts are on their way...I'm nervous now. They are set to be delivered today, and I think he's getting home tomorrow. Still, it's just possible that if nobody was there, they won't have been delivered, and I can still make up for it on Monday. Otherwise, really the notes were lighthearted, and the books were in line with his own interests, not mine so at least he'll see the intention was right.
What gift can I give myself? Hmm...what I want more than ANYTHING is a week long retreat with meditation, exercise, lots of solitude...I have in mind that this will make everything better for myself. I saw one in Southern California that I could combine with a business trip so not have to pay for airfare. Problem is it's $2600, and in Euros this isn't too bad, but then I'd need to let H know. I have stock money in October, but I don't want to talk too much about future finances as this is pressuring. I don't want to give the impression that my money is mine only, but I also do feel this way a bit, at least in terms of the extras now like bonuses and stocks.
I also worry that if I talk about needing a retreat, he will know how stressed I am.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Also want to add that this is the first time there has been no contact for 48 hours. I just feel like something is up. He didn't call me the night he said he would, didn't say anything about it the next day, and has not been online all day today. He may be flying back tonight, but he's still going darker and darker...
Trying not to worry, but this behavior is not normal for him, that's why I'm worried, even though I know I shouldn't focus so much on what he does. He is doing nothing to try and rebuild our friendship, even though it was what he said he wanted to do, in his own words. In fact I feel like he is trying to undermine it by making commitments that he doesn't keep, even when they are his own idea. I feel like everything positive that he has said to me has been meaningless, and as though he's always intended to push me away, just wanted to make it as easy on himself as possible.
I know this all sounds very negative, but please keep in mind that my H always said he was willing to try, and with each passing week, he is acting less and less like this is the case, even with my DBing.
I am actually starting to question what I should do when I get back. he is positioning for 6 months, and I just think he wants out. I don't know. Trying to feel more positive, just pretty disheartened by the last few days. I guess being in a foreign country is just getting to me, and then the thought of going back to another foreign country and putting a move back to the US on hold based on his own decision making process is pretty frustrating.
OK vent is over. I really hope tomorrow my PMA will be back up again. I have to think about Dublin. Even if I don't see H, I will see my dogs and cats!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I just got caught up with you again. I think the books are fine. It is maintaining the relationship but not in a pressuring way since they are both things he is interested in. I think the only way they could be pressuring is if they were just a random present but these were for his birthday so I think it will be fine. Try not to stress about it too much
I agree with the others that MIL talk is a no-go. It could just go downhill too quickly and right now you are climbing uphill! Strong and steady!
I hope you have a safe trip back to Dublin. Just remember that all this effort you are putting in might be just what he needs right before the chance of an in-person visit. It could end up working in your favor that he is taking extra time away right now.
Overall I think your visit is a good thing but you just have to leave the ball planted in his court as far as a potential visit goes. Fight the urge to plan anything.
Ok still feeling pretty sad this morning-about to send out the Dublin email anyway.
On another weird note, I feel like I'm suddenly being tested. Within the last 2 days, I've suddenly had contact from 2 men who have tempted me in the past. One of them is a business partner, 15 years older than me and based in Munich. He asked if he could come to Poland on September 16th. Of course there is a legitimate business reason for his visit, so I said yes. However, I know he hopes for more. I will of course not go there, but this just came out of the blue.
The other one contacted me 5 minutes ago by email (first time in months) to ask how I was. We used to have a thing before my H and I were together, and he is the one about whom I said in a previos post I'd had some inappropriate email correspondence with in the past. Well he's married now with kids. Thing is I don't think he's happy in his M, and he sends me messages with innuendos. I of course won't go there either, but so weird to get these both within 24 hours...
WTH???
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Yeah I think the books are probably not THAT big of a deal. Anyway somewhere inside Alien H there is real H, and that H might even be happy to have them. I really do hope they make him happy.
OK I will avoid MIL talk. If she reaches out to me again (I just have a weird feeling that she will), I will reaffirm my commitment to the marriage and to H in general, but will not go beyond this.
I sent the Dublin email this morning at 10 AM my time. I have no idea whether he's seen it yet (I assume he has), or in fact whether he is even back in Dublin yet. I don't like this new dark pattern he's in. I actually do worry, and if he doesn't reach out today, it will have been 72 hours with no contact, which is really, really weird, and will make me think that something has happened with him, maybe not to him, but something within him has changed. I haven't seen him on IM for 1.5 days, which in and of itself is odd.
I do agree that there is a chance this dark time will benefit a possible visit in Dublin. Of course I don't know what I will do if I don't see him at all (but don't worry I swear not to pursue). I guess I just wish that he would have kept to his schedule agreement a tiny bit, maybe even just telling me that on the days he doesn't reach out it's because he doesn't feel capable or ready or something. This would make me feel a whole lot better. At this point I feel like he is deliberately trying to get to me, maybe subconsciously, but doing it just the same.
I actually AM really busy in Dublin with work and personal errands, but as it stands I am staying in a hotel about a 10 minute walk from our house. This may break my heart a little bit when I am there, and can't walk home. There is still a REALLY small chance that he will ask me to stay at the house. It's small, but sometimes he gets weird about budget things, and if this ends up being the case, he could propose it. OK that's getting my hopes up a little too much...
Anyway I can make it through today...
It's REALLY sunny here so I'll go somewhere nice and breezy and write in my journal for awhile. This usually calms me down.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
He responded to my Dublin email, of course didn't ask about seeing me, and didn't ask where I was staying or anything, just said the following:
"Hi, Should be fine. Hope you are well. Going to do weights and pump up in my sprockets outfit."
So showing a sense of humor, but still no real interest in me, and acting like I am a business colleague. Should I ignore the email entirely, or do I need to validate each effort that he makes given that he's depressed?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I'd say ignore the e-mail. It doesn't really invite a response at all. If you really feel like responding, maybe a quick 'Have fun' and leave it at that.
I think your H still needs space and time- he probably can't stick to the schedule partly because he's depressed, and maybe partly to see how you react when he doesn't stick to a schedule. Would not reacting be a bit of a 180?
I'd go to Dublin with no expectations at all of seeing him. That'll get him thinking more than anything else. But also don't expect any quick changes. DBing takes time, and each situation is different. With your H being depressed the situation is more complex than others, so things won't get resolved until he's sorted himself out. Difficult to put a timeline on that.
Glad the weater there's good today. It's cold and wet here- typical England!
