Bridge, I totally get po'd when H tries to blame it all on "outside stuff". C told me today, "it doesn't matter what H says, does or believes"...... what matters is what I believe. I validate my own reality.
Thanks for being such a great friend ! Thanks for the message. I'm so sorry you were shredded yesterday. I hope you had a better day today.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi SC... you (your C) is so right. But why do my guts practically turn inside out whenever I hear his voice get intense, his nasty words take on my actions, his blame lay at my feet... ugg..
I have been working really really hard, when he is like that, on thinking to myslef...
"It must be awful to be in an emotional place like that to be spew the kinds of things you say to the woman you profess to love more than anything else. How badly you must be hurting and how worthless you must feel about yourself, that you are willing to say those things about the mother of your children?"
I am beginning to feel pity for the man. But it is his pool to get out of not mine. That is where I struggle in enabling him to 'feel better' so he doesn't spew nastiness.
I have told him I will only communicate with him in writing or texts on R issues. Phone calls are only necessary when discussing the kids. (They have been about once a day)
He used D's phone to call me the other night since I have been letting his phone ring to voice mail. He called my house phone & I answered of course thinking it was D.
When I heard him, I asked what he needed. When he started into R talk I just let him talk.. and then used my cell to text his cell.. "Talking means on any phone not just yours, please email the R. talk, not a phone call." When I heard his phone 'text ring' I said "sounds like you have text message, I'm going to let you go now.. bye"
I asked D today to make sure she had her phone with her.. she can't find it... mmmmm wonder why.
I'm tired. Classes are already stressing me out along with S being gone & now H having his mini-melt down.
Thanks for listening. Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I'm struggling with what to do about C with H this week. We are scheduled to go back on Thursday, but I was adamant with him (H) that I don't trust him to be in the room when I am talking personal issues with the C.
He is very angry about that. Of course, not in front of the C. I think I will call the C. and explain that. See what he thinks.
I want to thank you again for your book recommendation.. it is really hleping me find a different perspective for H & his actions/words, although right now instead of compassion.. I'm finding the stirrings of pity. As a people pleaser.. not a good place to be.
Hope your days get better... Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Its amazing Bridge how so many of us here are fighting for our M alone. Why is it that we can never seem to get out S to be on the same page at the same time.
I can tell you are getting really frustrated as I am in my sitch. It sucks and you wish you could just smack then upside the head and say wake up but you cannot.
I am glad the book is helping you understand his reactions and resistance to all of your efforts. If you do not feel comfortable talking in front of him don't. If he has a problem with that I would explain your reasonings to him. Your feelings are very important and if he does not respect them then why should you tell them to him. Its all about trust and until he earns yours I would stick to your guns.
Hi Bridge, I just had an idea. When H was stirring my guts constantly with his game playing..... I told him I would not speak to him until he had completely read "Controlling People". He read it in two days, & then when I stopped him from trying to manipulate me, he began to see his own actions.
Has your H read that one ? Could you ask him in front of C to read it before you will talk R with him ?
Hugs sweetie, you're in a tough spot, you're patience must be about frazzled by now, even trying to get him to respect your wishes, & not "talk" on the phone. Sheesh. He's like a big bully in the sandbox wanting his own way. Why won't he get it ??? Every time he tries to "win" by using D's phone or something, he's just not hearing you AGAIN !!!
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi SC.. I thought about it after I read it, but knowing my H right now, it would be giving him ammunition to fight some more as he would just read it & tell me to turn it around & look in the mirror....
I guess I'm to the point where I'm done giving him things to read that I think would help him gain insight into him. He does not seem to act in a way that indicates he wants to do that.
Once I put my foot down about the no contact by phone rule and he finally realized I meant it. It has been a very very peaceful week. I chose when I would listen to his voice mails or read his emails, i chose when I would respond after I had time to think about it. That has given me such peace.
I have been very productive with my degree work & at work, keeping up with my grading (that is a major accomplishment) and just sent a 10 page paper off to a conference I'm attending the end of the month. I'm so proud of that.
I have decided I am not going to discuss my family of origin issues and my feelings about those in front of H today in Counseling. I will tell the counselor that as well and why. I'm not denying there are issues & they influence me in how I interact with H. in the R., but the counseling was for communication.
In some respects it has been very unhealthy for me to work the wheel of communication with H as it has given him my thoughts & feelings & wants that he then later ridicules, patronizes & just is out & out mean about, when he gets angry. Then he turns around & blames me for causing my own pain.. "if you hadn't pushed my buttons, I wouldn't have lost it"
I can choose not to share things with people who treat me like that. That is healthy choice for me.
I hope staying busy with school work, helps with the PMA & sense of pride you have in you.. you are amazing.
hugs Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
In some respects it has been very unhealthy for me to work the wheel of communication with H as it has given him my thoughts & feelings & wants that he then later ridicules, patronizes & just is out & out mean about, when he gets angry. Then he turns around & blames me for causing my own pain.. "if you hadn't pushed my buttons, I wouldn't have lost it"
Sorry Bridge if this offends you but he is being a Jackass!
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
I can choose not to share things with people who treat me like that. That is healthy choice for me.
Good for you Bridge,
I like your boundries and the not answering his calls if you don't want to. I would keep all comunication with him limited to your kids and MC for now until her learns how to treat you with respect.
"But why do my guts practically turn inside out whenever I hear his voice get intense, his nasty words take on my actions, his blame lay at my feet... ugg.."
This comes from past experience. The Expectation.. that something will be different.
What if his nasty words are honest?
What if they don't take on your actions?
What if his words are not intense?
What if... He blames himself?
"I am beginning to feel pity for the man. But it is his pool to get out of not mine."
Someone.. once posted about a Lifeguard. A Lifeguard.. will keep throwing you something to grab hold of.. until you get it.
They always understand.. you gotta grab the "something".
Even if you barely hold on.. they will encourage you.. to do better.
^
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
