You are very welcome POET~ I have been trying to find you and then I found you were in a new forum. I thought I posted to you in your new thread and it must not have gone thru... that was last Friday? I think?
Ok .... I am feeling Happy about the way we are interacting and THEN~
Fast forward to yesterday...
{ a little background... he received a private call on Monday, told me to answer and I did not really want to... Insecurity? He was also talking on the phone and acting very ugly on Monday... it was his Mother... but I could have sworn he was talking in English so ... she doesn't speak English.... it just brought back a lot of ugly old Memories. I worked thru them and shrugged it off. :glare: Or so I thought..... }
I am having a dilemma. I am feeling too much peace and getting freaked out? I am feeling insecure ... I am doubting this and how good it feels. I feel like I am going crazy. I know I need to calm myself. Why Do I always think he has something up his sleeve when he is being real and genuine and nice to me?
I am feeling very suspicious and he is being a doll, genuine and sincere. Yesterday for example he wasn't working . It was RAINING. He was working on a trailer that needs repair. He was at the house we are moving into. In the garage working on the trailer. I was at the other house and then later he was gone. He wasn't at either house and I panicked. WHY? I feel suspicious, he surely can't be this nice . He is up to no good again. :roll: And so I call him , Old behavior, I can't calm my own fears at this point. He doesn't answer { he is with one of his bosses} I let some time go by. he usually calls me right back.
He doesn't call. I call him again... No answer. By this time I am very upset.
I let more time go by and then call again. Mind you only about 30 minutes have transpired. He then answers.. and says " Hey honey what is the matter? I was talking to Scott, that is why I couldn't answer sweetie."
I say ok can you call me when you are close to home? The crew is there waiting for you and I am uncomfortable sitting there. { Plus they had just shampooed the carpets so the kids and I had nowhere to sit really} He said sure honey.... I almost start crying with relief.
I then minutes later am taking my son to work and I see my hubby he doesn't see me and he is laughing on the phone with someone. I immediately get angry and upset and think oh sure you were with your boss and wow how stupid am I?
I drop my son off and race home literally. I am going to catch him in the act of talking to someone and I will be right. I am about to walk in and he is calling me and I am feeling so angry...
He looks at me very sweetly and says " hey honey I was calling you why didn't you answer?" I fain a smile. And then he says ... "Have you and the kids eaten?" And I say "no, not yet ."
He says come on lets go.... and takes me and the kids out to dinner. At this local steak sandwich place .
he is being so real and so nice and so sweet. I felt like and idiot for doubting him I just was amazed at the strength of my doubts and my anger.
he then gets a private call..... :blink:
I feel dumb again... and he lets me hear the message ...
It is a private investigator regarding an old acquaintance of my husbands.....????
WE end up having a pleasant evening and he is still being a doll.
WTF?
Why am I feeling like this? Any ideas?
I know it is just old demons.... I think this is just all too much for me. He is being how I have always wanted and it scares the living daylights out of me.
-because he violated your trust in the past? -because piecing is not easy? -because more work needs to be done? -is this a cheeseless tunnel? or correct instincts?
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You have probably said this to yourself already, it will take time to learn to trust him again. If he is truly changing for the better the "new" H will show himself to you over time. Don't let your imagination come up with with things that aren't there though. I know it's hard to soothe your fears. But that's what they are: your fears.
Read that section in PM, chap 12 on Self-Soothing Strategies maybe it will help (loving this book BTW, I'm so glad you suggested it to me).
OK , so after a great nite hubby gets private call again this morning. I did say something and his reply was " do you really think my ' girlfriend ' would be calling me @ 6 am?"
Is this really just still all about me? And my insecurities. I am not saying he is cheating. I dont think he is , I just dont think it is normal either to get private calls!
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.......... He was actually nice and didn't get defensive. I just don't see why he gets a private call. The only times I have gotten private calls are from the police dept. I confronted him and in the past he used to get very angry , this time he wasn't. I just long to feel like I can have COMPLETE FAITH IN HIM , LIKE HE IS AN OPEN BOOK. I long for the day when I don't have to be haunted by OW fears.... Ali
I also have to take a look inside. I have dropped the rope, let go of expectations and so on and so forth.
NOW~ more than ever I need to heal me. Not worry about hubby and this or that or that.... I have to heal me. I have a lot of things to get thru. I look in the mirror and I dont like who I see. I am unsure of who I am and I feel ugly half the time. I feel like I am never good enough. I feel sad and I have many things to be thankful for. Sure I have bad things and hubby is this or that. But I focus on the bad more than the good. WE had an amazing evening and I go back into curl up in a ball mode so easy. I do want inner strength and peace. he cant give me these things. I have to give them to myself and yet I dont.
It is like the diet I will start on Monday... I never start it or I cheat and dont reach my goal. I am tired of that really. I know it wont happen overnite.
These Demons that keep bubbling up I will have to work thru. My H does love me but if I embrace it , he will just leave like everybody else. I cant trust anyone is what my mind tells me. and he has 'told' me this too. By His behavior. I know in the past and still sometimes at present I am partly to blame for this. Trust people and they will let you down. I want to be healthy. I cant just wave a wand or take a pill. Although that would be nice.
So I have to put in the effort... but I am of the mind set that I needed to do it all before and now it seems insurmountable.
It isn't all about my Ego either. I just want to have a healthy relationship with the Man I chose to grow old with. I want for him to also see that he has chosen me and treat me like a gift once in awhile. That gift like when it is really hot and no air at all. And then suddenly a fresh breeze comes and it cools down and it rains on top of that and you feel refreshed and blessed that you are not so hot anymore.
The other day as a matter of fact it was soooooooooo hot here. I was finally just uncomfortable @ 7pm and getting a little cranky with myself for not tolerating the heat so well. And this beautiful breeze comes in our room... It felt so very good. I smiled and said out loud. WOW~ God does love me.
And my Hubby asks why are you saying that? And I reply cause I was getting so uncomfortable and then that awesome breeze came in. MY Hubby rolls his eyes :roll: and says honey why do you always think like that? The weather man said it was going to cool down!
Well I think it is GOD~ I replied and he was speechless.
Anyway.... I am sure I am that breeze for him , he just wont say it unless he is really missing me when he goes away to Mexico.
I would love to hear it more, but then again? Would I even believe it or better yet really feel his love. I have more this week than in a very long time.... I am still hungry for more~
