Out of limbo land

[nerraw]

So I'm out of limbo land and it's not what I was expecting. For the last few weekends my wife was coming around and calling more often just to hang out. In fact on Labor Day, my birthday also, she came over and spent the entire day. It turned out that a friend had died and she wanted to be around family but had no where else to go. Her family lives over 200miles away and me and my mother are the only family she has here. Anyway I was thinking things were getting better just on a slow pace. We hadn't talked about our relationship for 2 months but did spend time talking about just normal daily stuff; work, the kid, friends, normal bs. The kid was sick on Thursday so she took off and I took off Friday. On Thursday she was bringing him over so I could watch him. I called her when I left work and asked since she would be over there around dinner time why don't we go out to eat. She agreed and everything sound cool. I went to the gym and then called her to tell her I was on the way back to my house. We started just cracking some jokes and laughing about some stupid stuff. I pulled up to my house and she just arrived. I went up and gave her a friendly hello hug and we went inside. I told her to give me 5 mins to clean up and we can leave. I went back down stairs and as I was tying my shoes she said it wouldn't be a good idea to go out to eat. I was like okay why not. She proceeded to tell me that she didn't want to lead me on and that her feelings hadn't changed. (I guess the last 5 times we went out for breakfast and the time we spent together on the weekends weren't consider leading me on). I told her I understand and I respect the fact that she has made the decescion and explained to her I just don't understand the reasoning behind it. She is still sticking to the fact that I verbally abused her and that she said the numbed herself and shut her heart down because that was the only way she could live with me. (I do admit I can be a little zealous in my sarcasm and I have a hard time judging when I do hurt others feelings but I've been going to counseling for the last 4 months to help with that.) We didn't argue but just went over the same thing she has said before. She again complained about the money factor and that she is always cutting corners. I had to tell her that for me that is a valid reason to continue to try and work at our marriage. She just rolled her eyes and said that she just doesn't love me that way anymore and that we don't click. She cares alot about me,I am a great friend, sees me as family, enjoys my company (we don't click apparently??) but just doesn't want to be married to me or anyone for that matter. As she put it she has one man in her life, our son, and that is enough. After about 15mins she said she was going to go home. I gave her a hug, kissed her on the cheek, and told her I loved her that for me there will always be the option for another day 1 and that we can do this anytime. As she walked out the door she started to cry. I just don't get it if it's been 4 months and from day one she has said she wanted to divorce me then why cry about it now?

So I have to see her again today in about an hour because she is dropping the kid off while she takes a course at the local college. I gonna hold it together and just not talk about anything except her class. It looks like it's time to go from dusk to midnight on going dark. No more contact unless I'm picking up the kid. I know we are her only family up here but I'm just hoping that the complete lack of contact will slow it down and let her see what it will be really like. I started going dark back in July after she did something that really hurt me on the 4th and we didn't talk for 2 weeks. She told me back then that she wanted to divorce me but I was the one that asked that time. So I decided to leave her alone and let her guide any relationship talk. She started to call on occasion and then she started to call at night to see what I was up to because she was bored or lonely and that started in the beginning of August. So back to the darkness and just wondering if that ax will finally ever drop.

The only question I do have is should I ask her to go to counseling one more time , for my sake, by herself to explain everything to my counselor? I hate the fact that it feels like the counselor is only hearing my side of the story and continues to tell me yes I did some stupid things but they don't constitute a divorce and my wife is the one that needs to look deeper inside to see why she is really doing this. She met with her once in the very beginning and when we walked out she said that she wanted to divorce me and not even try to work it out. That was 4 months ago and every time I go the counselor ask if my wife will ever come back. I really want the counselor to hear her side with me not in the room. That way I can truly believe what my counselor says and maybe I can continue to heal from this faster.