He's come home

[mymonkeybug]

I don't know how to link my past threads so I will condense things...

H left 3 days b4 Xmas 07' claiming he needed to go find himself and no longer loved me, etc....you know the BS. I was blindsided. The kids were devestated, our families in shock, our friends beside themselves. We had always been seen as the fairy tale romance that everyone wanted.

3 months after he left he admitted to having had an affair for 5 months b4 he left but that it had ended long b4 he left and that another woman wasn't the reason he left. About another month later he admitted that 1 month after he left he had moved in with a female friend who it just so happens was a female friend I found he was having an emotional affair with for 3-4 months b4 he left me.

I began dating while he was gone and wound up having 2 bf's at the same time and still sleeping with my H...yes to your shock a smart highly intelligent woman who was emotionally destroyed found solice in bed with 3 diff. men....I now know was a HUGE mistake but anyway...

I began threatening to tell H's gf that he and I were sleeping together as a means to get him to fulfill his parenting committment that he was slacking on and that I would not allow. After about the 3rd or 4th threat he told her and she kicked him out now mind you this was only a couple weeks after he and she got back from 10 days in Mexico that his parents loaned him money for. WTF????

He began spewing more hateful venom at me since I caused the ONE he loved to leave him.

He had filed D papers in March and I counterclaimed on grounds of adultery so here comes Aug. 21 our divorce hearing and our D was denied because in MD you need a witness to coraborate the adulterers story-him admitting to committing it wasn't good enough. We each left and talked on the phone later that day for hours. All the time now while he was gone we would have our HUGE phone arguments mainly about how dare he hurt me and the kids, how dare he cheat on me after 19 years, etc... but then 10 min. later were talking like the best friends we had always been.

We began having sex even more the last month b4 our D hearing and had agreed that even though we would be divorced that neither of us liked the idea of someone else being with the other spouse intimately so we would take care of each other that way until true love came our way with someone else.

The weekend after the D hearing he asked me out on a date and I accepted and that night he told me he wanted to come home. We went through the intense emotional breakdowns...him especially over how stupid he was and how that 9 months was not who he was and how he had a gun barrel in his mouth once and drank heavily always alone...that his better life on the greener side of the fence stunk. He admitted that every weekend he had the kids his heart broke more because he knew I was with 1 of the bf's. Also apologized for doing it all in the first place and begged me to help him stay out of that DARK place he went to. I held a sobbing 36 year old man and told him I would never let him go back there and would follow him to hell if need be to bring him back. He thanked me for always being his friend throughout this and fighting for him in such a way that he noticed and remembered...admitted that he fought to win back gf and wished he had fought for me instead. Told me he always knew I loved him and that I was his safe place.

So not so short a version I know...sorry. So he has been back a couple weeks now and I seem to be the 1 sabotaging it. All this week everynight I have had an emotional breakdown because all I can think of, wait obsess about, is that he had sex with the gf and I want all the graphic details for some sick reason. I obsess that he always wanted US to go away but never found the money for US to go away but did when she wanted to. I obsess over the fact that he wants his own bank account now and still wants some of the independence he had while he was away. He says it feels like I am pushing him away and working some big plan to make him feel good and comfy then kick him out...he has all these worries and tells me he can't trust me either because I have now had a taste of the single life and might want it again.

We have our first counseling session this coming week with someone that has similar views on counseling as Michele so I hope he will be able to help us heal and move forward and help me learn how to not care about how another woman honestly folks orally pleased my husband and how he touched her and how she rode him in bed. I had to say those things because those are the things I think about ALL the time. I would imagine I am not the only wife either to think them.

Please if anyone has successfuly pieced after a similar sit. I would love the advice.

Heather