H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[MidwesternGirl]

No, I am not a master at it but you just start out praying and asking God to guide you and to help you accomplish these things. It does not happen overnight and it took me a few years to get to that point.

You just have to be patient, ask, and put it into practice.

And I would suggest reading the charlyne cares daily articles which would probably be a big help to you.

[glamgirl]

Hope you are doing better today Dawn. You have a lot of tough stuff on your plate right now. When I pray to God I kind of focus on one or 2 things that I need. For you it might be forgiveness and softening the heart of your h.

Some things need to happen before God can restore your m. Meaning the forgviveness, your anger, h's coldness. Once you get beyond some of that then maybe God can do some restoring.

Dig deep Dawn. What do you think your h is most running away from in the M? Like for me my h thinks I am controlling, so I am working on that. Letting my h have the control. If you can pinpoint some issues, that is what you want to tackle first.

Also, just pray and pray and pray some more for what needs to happen or change. For example, if you are angry all the time pray that God release that anger and to show you what you can do to change that perspective in you.

A good book out there right now is "A New Earth" Eckhart Tolle. This book can teach you to focus on the now not on the past or future, it can be life changing if you can get into it. It has spiritual overtones as well.

Good luck Dawn. Your h is home and hasn't decided to leave, now you just need to pray that he engages himself into the m. Pray that God show your h the way back to the m. God is still in the business of miracles. We need to believe!

[Dawn of Hope]

Okay, I need to respond directly to a couple of posts later, but I just wanted to come and say that I actually got H to LAUGH tonight! This is the first time that has happened since the bomb, I think! I didn't make a fuss about it (he was on his way out the door anyway) but I got a little thrill...one of my baby step goals has been inspiring him to smile more in conversing with just me (realizing that I have a limited amount of control over this outcome), but I didn't think laughter was on the program anytime soon, so I'm kinda excited!

Don't worry, I'm not letting it go to my head, I'm still all about detaching, but it's one of the few positive signs I've seen in quite a while, so I'm pleased! AND the icing on the cake was that we actually had a normal sort of conversation for at least...oh, 10 or 15 minutes tonight! This is pretty significant, since nearly all of our conversations in the last year or so have either been under a minute or so (unless I was sort of forcing it) or very unpleasant, or both.

We actually talked mostly about politics, which is not a controversial subject between us because we have very similar views in that arena. I wouldn't touch a conversation with him about sex these days, though!

So, finally some good news I can point to, small as it is! I will get back to individual responses to posts a bit later!

Peace,
Dawn

[One Day]

YAY Dawn, on getting H to laugh! That's a really big and positive baby step!

I also love that you had a long positive (neutral topic) conversation. Is that something you can expand on in your next interaction with H?

(((((hugs)))) and thanks for your post on my thread!

L. xx

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Dawn,

Wow, I dont know how you do it.. to have your H at home and yet things to be so strained between you two, you are amazing! So well done on making him laugh! I have found that hard too over the past 9 months, its hard to be your natural old witty self in front of someone who is so clearly not wanting to engage with you. I agree with Lisa, can you look at what you did right in the chat today that led to it being a pretty good 15 minute convo? Was it becuase its a subject that he gets fired up about?

Thanks for your help on my thread too, we are all flailing in the dark...

Ali xxx

[MidwesternGirl]

dawn, you said on another thread:

" I think I am doing okay with abiding by what I have been told to do by the experts, but I'm not seeing a lot of progress and I wonder how I can improve my sitch/my life given my sitch."

It is not so much what you can do but how your h is progressing and sometimes you just have to sit back and let things be. Patience is what it is going to take on your part as well as letting him be and allowing him to go thru this journey he is on.

And remember, prayer is powerful and we do not always see what God is doing either.

You just need lots of time, patience, and letting him be.

[IRMAT]

Your H and O/W sound so much like my situation.. they talk to esch other during the day... although he lives in another state I am sure she goes to see him as much as possible... whether she pays for the flight or he does I dont know....but I am sure they do see each other or have seen each other since he moved there... but I know the phone calls do go on.... I dont know how you handle your situation....sometimes I used to think that I wish I had my husband close by...not 900 miles away... I guess it is a blessing not to have it like your situation....you are very strong... more than you know and you must love him so much....my thoughts and prayers are with you....Be Blessed I Jesus Name

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, All,
I am getting ready to teach a class tonight, so I will try to make this as quick as possible (yeah, right, Dawn; you're NEVER quick!).

MWG, thanks so much for all your support and advice! I have signed up for the Charlyne Cares e-mails, and they are helping a bit. Thanks for the nudge! I am just going about my business and trying very hard to GAL and not get too worked up about anything he does. Mostly I succeed, although I still find it hard to stop thinking about it and talking about it some. BTW, I am pretty good with patience; the problem I have is continuing to wonder if there is something I could be doing better that would make a difference.

Glam, thanks for continuing to check in on me and offer suggestions and encouragement! I am going to have to think about what H is most running away from in our M. Feel free to check back with me about that. It's so funny that you recommended "A New Earth" because I had just started reading that! I will see if I can make it a higher priority to finish it (I go through a LOT of fiction, but I have a harder time getting myself to read nonfiction).

Lisa and Ali, thanks for stopping in and posting to me, and thanks for the encouragement! I check on both of your threads daily (along with those of MWG, Glam, and a number of other people). I really wish I knew what I did differently that made him laugh or have a conversation with me the other day! I think the conversation part was because it was a nice neutral topic that had nothing to do with our R, and I kept asking questions to inspire discussion because he didn't walk away or act annoyed (if either of those things happens [which is most of the time, if the conversation is longer than three sentences], I stop immediately).

Ali, yes, it is hard to engage with someone who clearly isn't interested, but since my "normal" self is DEPRESSED rather than witty, that's an extra stretch. Although I have worked so hard on making MYSELF happy that I think if my M were in decent shape, I would be happier than I have been long-term in about 25 years! Hmm, maybe that's a little too strong, but it does feel more like the I am making myself happy and less like I am giving over the keys to my happiness to circumstances. Does that make sense?

Irma, thanks for reading and posting to me. People here often tell me I'm lucky he hasn't moved out; he's still on the fence about that; lately I've been almost wishing he would go away and stay away as long as he's with the little green men! (Or the big white woman...ooh, was that too catty?) I am wondering, though, why you say that I am stronger than I know...what inspired that? Seriously, I don't know if it's better for the LBS if the WA actually moves out or just has their MLC at home, yanking the LBS along as the WA spins and derails and regresses. I know, detachment is all, and I get better at it all the time, but it's so jolly much WORK! I do think sometimes that it would be much easier if I weren't getting my nose rubbed in it every day.

For example...this morning I noticed that certain things of his were missing, indicating that he had packed for at least one night away from home. He did not tell me anything about this beforehand (in fact, he didn't even say goodbye to me...a new thing in the last week or two; he not only no longer gives me a goodbye peck, he doesn't even say anything to me when he leaves for work, even though we are still sleeping in the same bed). In fact, yesterday I was telling him about my plans for the week; just making conversation, although truthfully he seemed to be listening only to be polite. So in turn I asked him about his plans for the week, which I don't normally do (never ask about any future farther away than a few hours!), and he told me "nothing interesting." So tonight I get a voice mail about the time he leaves work, telling me that he was going to a baseball game tonight and OW drove up for it and is staying over, so he will see me tomorrow. This was more or less what I had expected when I saw what was missing (honest, I really didn't search that hard!), except that he said in the beginning of the message, "I really wanted to tell you this in person..." What the hey???! It's not like this came up all of a sudden today after you left for work; you PACKED for it while I was in the house with you!! If you had the guts, you COULD have told me in person! Sigh. Okay, whatever, more MLC nonsense.

I also wanted to talk about the 2x4 that hit me in the shower this morning. Not a literal one, FYI. I was praying for help with my anger and unforgiveness toward my H, and all of a sudden, I didn't hear a voice, exactly, but I felt like God had let me understand something new; the message I got was: "It is as difficult for H to stop doing what he is doing and straighten out his life, as it is for you to forgive him for what he has been doing. And the second thing is a prerequisite for the first one, BTW." I could almost SEE the lightbulb over my head! I was pretty sure of the second part, but the first part had never occurred to me!

Okay, I have to hustle off to teach my class, but I would love to hear comments!

Peace,
Dawn

[glamgirl]

Sorry Dawn that your h is going out of town with ow. Your talk with God in the shower sounded encouraging. My philosophy is it only takes one to stop the cycle. Love back unconditional, but do it with all your heart.

Do it not because you want something in return, but because it is the way God would want you to be towards your h.

Find it in your heart to forgive. Your h could never return without you leading that way.

Well at least he communicated that he was leaving rather than leave and not say a word. Not sure if you see that as a positive or not.

Hopefully God will shower him with guilt. You know you could pray for that!

[MidwesternGirl]

HI Dawn!!

I am sorry he is going with ow.

It is true that we have to forgive which is difficult to do and it takes awhile but I think you do understand what needs to be done.

Love unconditionally and have zero expectations.