Welocme back. I have found, as I had posted to you before, that leading the Spartan life with minimum alcohol has been a Godsend for me in this time. You're right about the 20's and 30's;ugh!
I spend 5 days a week in the gym these days, and it is a shield of solitude against the craziness and dysfunction of my W. and two daughters.
You sound great, but I would guess you miss being a "family". You have to miss being with your boys every waking moment. I know I do/
Hi FL and AG, FL, I think you missed the point that we are still all living in the same house, just with W in the guest room. Maybe worse than being completely separated in some ways, but definitely better in that I get to see the kids all the time. Alas, this will change with the Big D.
RE: working out being a shield against the craziness. S9 was in a mood tonight and started in about how I spend too much time working out and not enough with him. Funny, but we humans are all alike, when we don't get what we want, we will try just about anything to change the sitch! Did I mention that he has been a teenager since he was 4?
AG, You will be able to do much better than me, maybe someone who is actually single for starters!
Thanks for asking about the race. I did fairly well. I did about the same time as last race, but the humidity was awful, so I actually placed better this time as most people had a slower time. Can't wait for the humidity to lift in the Fall so I can start to really move!
On other fronts, I am sending the paperwork back to the L tomorrow. I also had a chat with my dad while on vacation and decided to let W know before I file. That way she is at least prepared when she gets the notice. Hopefully also she will agree to talk to the kids together and not be a complete B!tch, but we all know I can't control her, just lil' ol' me.
Been re-reading some of my books on kids and D and am not sure exactly how to go about this. I think the best would be to have a family meeting will all 4 of us and discuss everything. Of course, since I have no idea how W will react, if isn't so easy to prepare right now.
I am thinking about scheduling a meeting with my IC, who I haven't seen in 9 months, to discuss with him. Any better ideas?
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I just re-read my post. I am so sorry - it does read like a come-on!
While there are couples that go to this resort, it is actually an all adult resort that caters to singles - primarily burned out professionals from all over the world looking for a place to just go and land w/o having to plan anything. It is one of the few places that is structured so that single women feel "safe" going there alone. Everything is arranged with the goal of encouraging mingling among the guests and with the staff. The staff consists of some of the most attractive men and women I have ever seem from all over the world. You can "mingle" as little or as much as you want.
I highly recommend going there after you are D - but with male friends - that will not share what happens there with your future R's. Most of my friends that went there went in the 90's when it was much wilder and are M now. When they talk about it - they get this huge smile on their face - and well there are some things that you do when you are single that you can talk about with friends - but really cannot share with a spouse.
I am glad your dad is there for you. My dad flew in and stayed with me while I was seeing Michele and during the toughest parts of the D process. There were times when he literally carried me.
Hi AG, Glad you are looking forward to your vacation. I have a mini-vacation coming up this weekend to NYC. Just a few days in Manhattan to soak up all the energy, be a tourist, run Central Park...Going to be a great get-away.
Otherwise, just plodding along towards the big D...got the my comments back to the L on the draft settlement. Boy that was a lot of work! I know W will never accept what is in this document, but, as you have pointed out, this is a business negotiation and I will start off shooting for the stars. Maybe I will hit the moon! Hopefully I will get to see the L next week to iron out the remaining points and then I will be ready to start the process with W after my trip.
My tri training is going pretty well. Long run yesterday and a long bike today. 11 weeks left to my "A" race, so now is really the core training time. It's funny, no matter how good you get at something, there is always another level. One of the guys on the ride today is going to the world championships next week in Europe. Holy cow! He made me feel like an out of shape couch potato...always good to get your Ego back in check!
Oh yeah, we survived the tropical storm...we got really wet and the kids missed several days of school, but none the worse for the wear!
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
S9 was in a mood tonight and started in about how I spend too much time working out and not enough with him.
Do you recall W saying similar things to you using similar language? I know sometimes when I talk to my mini-friends in my neighborhood - they say things where you can tell they are repeating what they have heard their parents say.
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I can't control her, just lil' ol' me.
Good for you that you have firmly implanted in your brain. It will guide your actions and/or reactions and ability to detach as the D progresses.
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I know W will never accept what is in this document, but, as you have pointed out, this is a business negotiation and I will start off shooting for the stars. Maybe I will hit the moon!
Do you have a good handle on the terms that you need to be able to settle? The goal is a fair settlement. Unfair settlements are typically revisited in the courtroom when a party realizes a settlement is biased against them. I have a friend of a friend where he and his X spend roughly 30k every year fighting - and they have been D for 10 years! You want a settlement that will make sure that when the D is done - it is really done.
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It's funny, no matter how good you get at something, there is always another level.
Hi AG, Thanks for the feedback. I did REALLY enjoy my mini-vacation. It is the first time since the bomb that I really did something just for fun away from the kids...except of course for my triathlons, but that is not exactly relaxing!
Anyway, we spent the whole time in Manhattan and just soaked up the place. All that energy around you and yet on vacation you're not in a hurry at all. I did go the the 9-11 Memorial Gallery right before heading out of town. Wow was that powerful, a place of incredible evil deeds, yet of incredible hope and humanity. I can't wait to go back when the monument is completed. I got goosebumps just looking at the renderings they had of what it will look like.
Otherwise, just waiting on the L to get back to me on my suggested edits/questions on the draft settlement. I am still sorting through exactly how I want to approach W to tell her that I am ready to proceed with the big D. I have definitely decided to talk to her before filing and after L and I have agreed on the settlement we will file if she refuses mediation. (for the 3rd time)
Even more important is how we will tell the kids. Of course, the nature of that conversation depends strongly on how she reacts to the first convo.
Originally Posted By: AG II
Do you have a good handle on the terms that you need to be able to settle?
Not in detail...I am really struggling with the whole thing. I don't know what I want that I can really get. I basically just want her to disappear off the face of the earth and leave me and the kids alone. Odds of that are nil. I guess I can negotiate on almost any point as long as the whole package leaves me (1) financially stable and (2) with lots of time with the kids.
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I am glad you hear you had a REAL vacation - those are priceless. I met a couple that does triathlons on my vacation - very disciplined individuals! The man is trying to qualify for the Ironman in Hawaii.
I haven't been to NYC since 9/11 - it will be weird seeing a huge gap when I go back. I will have to google the memorial to see what it is suppose to look like.
The talk with W will be tough. When I have a tough discussion - whether it be in business or personal - I jot down bullet points of what I want to say - refine the sentences to be direct and soften where necessary. And most importantly I set a time limit. It keeps things civil - at least during that exchange anyway... And I also try to detach and calm myself as much as possible so I am less likely to be reactive. I also have my non-commital non-escalating phrases ready. Such as for example, "You have a point, I will think about it"
As for kids - I didn't have to deal with that one... The other posters will be able to help you with that one.
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I guess I can negotiate on almost any point as long as the whole package leaves me (1) financially stable and (2) with lots of time with the kids.
There was a gentleman at The Resort that had a creative solution. I don't know if this is financially feasible for you. He put the original house in his name and pays the mortgage - his X and kids live in that house (with OM). He owns a house just a few houses down. The settlement includes a "rent payment" from W. He originally use to give W the money for the mortgage - but she was missing payments so he came up with this scheme... He is a lot like you - very detached from W and her OM.
Most of my friends that went there went in the 90's when it was much wilder and are M now. When they talk about it - they get this huge smile on their face - and well there are some things that you do when you are single that you can talk about with friends - but really cannot share with a spouse. 
