Hey Maxie,
Everyone here has a sad story, eh?

I am no longer at the friend's place. I have rented my own house, sort of filling it up now, making a new life, slow but sure.

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When H discovered the A I absolutely believed that I hated him and had I remained in contact with the OM that would never of changed.

I think my wife had the same feelings toward me. Revulsion. It was like, just looking at me made her feel horrible about herself. She avoided me constantly.

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The key to it all is to stop her contact. F#$% being friends with him. No such thing when you have shared an A which has resulted in huge changes in your life. Until contact stops with him you cannot make progress.

How do you stop her having contact ? Find some leverage with something. I dont know what. What is she most frightened of losing? You CANNOT use the kids of course. They are off limits.

We are well past this point. Back when I was in the house, I asked her repeatedly to stop the contact, and she agreed, but never actually did. I was reading this forum and it gave me some real insight into the minds of people involved in affairs. I don't know if she was lying to me, or if she just didn't have the self control to keep her promises. Either way, it was not a marriage I could continue with. Now, on advice of her attorney, she has cut off contact with me via a no-contact order, so it is pretty clear which man she chose. She continues to contact him regularly, as far as I know. I have no control over her, nor do I aspire to have any control. I certainly don't want to frighten her or manipulate her or use leverage on her. I only wish her the best.

The funny thing is, she reaches out to me, from time to time. Under the terms of the court order, I am not permitted to contact her in any way. But in some small ways she contacts me, she emails me and tells me things I don't need to know - she is starting a new job, helping a friend out with a seminar, going out of town. None of this is my concern at this point. I am constrained from ever responding, though, according to her no-contact order.

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They say it takes a woman 10 years to get back to a finacial position she was in before the end of her M and it takes a man 2. Dont let yourself be taken advantage of. How can all your pay check go to her?
I appreciate your concern for me. Money is most definitely not a big long-term worry for me. The temporary financial orders are a disaster, but they will not continue. It is a short term pinch for me. Final settlement will include a much more equitable split.

We've squandered our savings on multiple houses (needed two after I moved out), huge attorney fees, and now, losses due to forced sale of the house in a down real estate market. So we will be effectively broke when the divorce is final. We were definitely very upper-middle class, I had a good income, big house in a nice neighborhood, family vacations every year. But we will have ZERO savings after this divorce. ZERO. It's like starting over, right after college.

But I will make more money. I have a good job, good skills, good prospects, lots of contacts. She on the other hand, does not have a job, has outdated skills, and I don't know where she'll get money to live. I can't imagine she's excited about her prospects.

Despite the hardship that faces her, I will contest the financial terms of the dissolution anyway. Not to spite her, but for negotiation purposes. She is withholding something I want - more time with my kids. I am willing to pay her ransom money to get more time with my kids! Money is the only card I have in my hand at this point.

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Another thing which at the time i hated him for was that he (like you ) had the power to expose my full affair. He talks to this day of confronting the OM and exposing everything but I love him for the fact that he as not.
Wanna hear something really odd? My wife herself exposed her affair. Told all our family friends, siblings, everyone. I thought it was a bad idea, I thought it would be harder for her, with that information out there. But she did it on her own, before telling me. I still don't understand why she did that.

There are lots of things I don't understand from that time. I guess I never will.

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Anyway Maxie, I'm glad you're here.