n retrospect I can see that this kind of discussion pushed her guilt buttons. At the time I felt she was just refusing to accept responsibility for her own actions. Even now I feel she blames me for her affair. One of the last times we spoke about it (months ago) she told me it was 100% my fault, this divorce and mess was all my fault. I had to stop and clarify - are you saying you had no part in it at all? Yes, that's right, she said. ????
You do feel terribly guilty about what you have done and it is not pleasant talking about it. It is very uncomfortable and you know that the best form of defence is to attack.
Also there will be lies caught up in the whole scenario. Things she may of agreed with the OM not to talk about ( hence protecting him ) etc and so the more you talk , the more lies etc. If my husband had accepted the lies and carried on like nothing had happened, it would of happened again. The best thing he did for me was to force the truth. That way I looked at the A and i looked at myself. Trouble was he became stronger and I grew weaker BUT the truth was out. No more lies and that is liberating. It did take me more than 3 years to come clean.
Course my problem now is that he does not want to be married. He says it took to long for the truth to come out etc etc. He has never confronted the OM ( who still remains married to a wife who is oblivious to extent of affair )but he said yesterday that he is going to soon. This could possibly mean that our community and friends are going to also know the truth. How this will impact on my kids - i dont know. They also do not know the extent of the affair. They do know about the other guy but think it was all about lunches and phone calls.
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Absolutely, and i took it as a wake up call. Ok, what do WE do about this?
So did I once I had decided that I wanted to be married. I tried to get him to see the positives about it and not dwell on the actual A. He cannot do it. He is just stuck. I think taking positives out of any situation is the healthiest thing to do.
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I don't know. . . She may never have another adult relationship.
That is kind of sad. My H and I both come from long time married parents and we are the first ( with kids ) to seperate , so know one knows what to do or say. I cannot understand why anyone would not want to have a partner in life !
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ou asked how I am feeling. I am feeling stable. A little tentative about the long road ahead. I feel a bit unprepared, but determined anyway, to look for and follow the right path. I feel lonely, often.
Lonliness is the worst. i have children at home, I have a busy little business and I have lots of girlfriends BUT it cannot replace the love of a man.I hate not having him around at night. My H just enrolled in a sailing course to begin what we were going to do together and that is sail in different places around the world. Broke my heart that he is forging ahead without me. Plus it takes up sundays and he did not even consider that this is time with the his children and his only day. Selfish ! Although the youngest is 16 she gets no time with him.
Anyway my books on Divorce busting have not arrived yet , hopefully some guidance from them will be enlightening.
Max, I think that in order to DB your M as well as yourself you will have to start fresh. Even though your sitch has a deep rooted history I sense that emotionally both you and your husband have a long way to go.
So, start where you know you can make a difference...with you! Give your H space, be pleasant and happy whenever you speak or are with him. Avoid any R talk at all. At the same time you need to find things to do that will make you happy, or at least serve as a nice distraction. When you get the books you will understand more onthis and can worry about 180 in your behavior etc. Find some time to relax as well, a bath, massage, walks whatever is your thing.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
I see the difference when i am happy and getting on with things. I just get impatient and lonely and really want everything back the way they were. I cannot imagine old age without him ! Although logically I know it is possible and i probably could be very happy with someone else.
I feel guilty at my part and choices which resulted in the collapse of my M and possibly the loss of love of someone who truely loved me.
Maxy, I'm sorry. I feel for you. I'd give you a big hug if I could.
You and I are in similar circumstances. Our partners have their minds made up. It may take some time before they change their minds, if they change their minds.
What can you do between now and then?
I still think that strangely, the impact on me, had an impact on her. She saw how hurt I was about our mess and my hurt, ... hut her, if you know what I mean. so for now I am just trying to be independent, to be strong and not hurt anymore. I know she felt a ton of pressure and guilt for the effect it all had on me, and that was a big reason she had to flee. One way or the other I have to recover without her. So that's what I'm doing.
And for you?
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I just get impatient and lonely and really want everything back the way they were. I cannot imagine old age without him !
If only, if only.... I am familiar with THAT thought process. But then I also know, we gotta deal with today, with reality, with WHAT IS. Today isn't the way things were. It's different. We gotta deal with it.
Why imagine old age like that? Be careful, when you imagine from a place of loneliness, that is the thing that can bring you down. Rolling forward in your mind and imagining all these scenarios 20 years down the road. Not helpful. How about you imagine what you'd like in 2 weeks? Maybe you'd like to be taking tennis lessons. Maybe you want to learn to salsa dance. Take it slow. Live for today. You'll find a path and be ok.
I tell you, I started imagining things without my wife. I stopped agonizing over what I don't have, what is NOT in my future, and started focusing on what I could have, what I could work toward. For example, I talked with my boys about getting a project car and working on it with them, so I am working on that. For example I started golfing. A man with young kids has no time to golf. But now I am away from the kids, so I have time. It starts with imagining.
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I feel guilty at my part and choices which resulted in the collapse of my M and possibly the loss of love of someone who truely loved me.
I'm so sorry for you Max. It's so good to accept responsibility. But please be gentle with yourself. Please don't beat yourself up. Accept responsibility, look deeply at what happened - nothing wrong with that. Easy on the guilt though. And when you are done looking deeply, then ask yourself, "OK, now what?". You are a good person who made a mistake. You coped the best you could. Now... take the next BEST step you can take.
You will not be rescued from this feeling by your husband. You need to feel good about yourself all by yourself. You need to love yourself with all your faults, without him helping you.
Although I think I am moving in the right direction . I am impatient.I am tired of this situation being constantly on my mind - first thing in the morning, last thing at night, all during the day. Sick of it. I am considering taking up squash ( racket ball i think for USA's ) but it means taking time away from my teenages who already have a father that is taking on new projects daily which take him out of there lives.
A crystal ball would be nice. Show me that i am going to be happy again.
Good advice about thinking about everything I can do in the next short while and not about what i dont have. I am going to Australia for weekend soon. Maybe I will focus on that and doing something different while i am there ( other than shop ).
yeah, that's right. Stick to what you DO have. I know exactly what you mean about first-thing-in-the-morning and last-thing-at-night. I know. It's Horrible. Get yourself out of that place as fast as you can. Find stuff to do, stimulating new stuff to occupy yourself now, people to talk to. Keep busy. Squash sounds like a great idea. What else? Look constantly for new stuff to do, or old hobbies to revive.
You WILL be happy again. This is just something you have to work through. It's hard, but you can do this.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I believe none of us are given anything that we cant handle and it is how we handle that will determine our future.
As a man you seem to be in a much worse position than woman. My H left me in the home after I had the A.It seems wrong. When H discovered the A I absolutely believed that I hated him and had I remained in contact with the OM that would never of changed.
The key to it all is to stop her contact. F#$% being friends with him. No such thing when you have shared an A which has resulted in huge changes in your life. Until contact stops with him you cannot make progress.
How do you stop her having contact ? Find some leverage with something. I dont know what. What is she most frightened of losing? You CANNOT use the kids of course. They are off limits.
Once she has no shoulder to cry or lean on she will look to you. I know this 100%. I am ok on my own but I hate hate hate not having a partner just to share my thoughts, experiances etc of the day. I have many friends, family but it is not the same. When i had the A I so cut off my H from my everyday life and gave that to the OM. I only needed him.
I did not read all your replies etc so I am not sure if you are still M or on your friends couch so to speak.
They say it takes a woman 10 years to get back to a finacial position she was in before the end of her M and it takes a man 2. Dont let yourself be taken advantage of.
How can all your pay check go to her? Sell everything and you create a new home for your kids to visit. Dont be a door mat or used. A dad is as equally important to a child as a mum. Each of your children during certain parts of there development need there dad more than there man. Especially sons. There is a fantastic book called 'Raising boys'. Written by a prison governer ( woman) of a mans prison. Fantastic reading.
Build your life back for your kids, be available, be dignified. Do not put your W or her family down. The better father you are and the more emotionally available you are ther more your kids will benefit.
I have read your posts. Thank you for your honesty. I am sorry you find yourself here and for the pain you are experiencing.
I have a question if I may. My husband is having an EA and fully prepared to take it physical in October although he avoids the fact that ANYTHING is going on even after I talked to her. I believe he is at the point where you once were. He hates me and sees our M as a failure. She is perfect in his eyes. Do you think given your state of mind at the time that you would have ended the A if he insisted? I have thought about giving him an ultimatum. Every one of his friends and family think that he is divorced and that it is completely my fault. He is an angel. I suppose that is my leverage to uncover his A and the fact that we are still married to all his friends and family. I think this may enrage him however. The D should be final in 5 months and I wonder whether he will see the light in such a short time but rather be more determined than ever to proceed regardless of which option he chooses.
All the best!
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 09/05/0810:34 PM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Hi - I am very very sorry for your situaion and know exactly how you feel. My A also began as an emotional affair and it built to more. When I was caught I hated everything about my marriage. Only had eyes, heart and soul for OM. BUT my H was sooooooooooo hurt that even in the midst of anger and wamting someone else I could not abandon him. We did not live in same house etc we went to MC but I still just went through the motions.
Then H seemed to change - he started telling me he was working on himself and he joined a few things to help his self esteem etc. All of a sudden he some how became more attractive to me. I had stopped all contact with OM out of guilt to H. This was key.
What i am trying to say is that i firstly needed to see his pain. It was open, raw and heart wrenching o watch. Might of been guilt that first made me take notice but who cares. If he played on my guilty feelings then it worked. If he had been okay with marriage ending I would be with OM now probably.
Trouble for me is he got stronger and I got weaker.
Another thing which at the time i hated him for was that he (like you ) had the power to expose my full affair. He talks to this day of confronting the OM and exposing everything but I love him for the fact that he as not. I dont believe he will. He acknowledges the pain it will cause me and even though by not exposing it , he looks like the crazy person who left his wife for no reason as such.
Do not say anything your not prepared to do. I dont think an ultimatum will help if he is involved with OW. I would of welcomed the ultimatum at that stage because I would used it to think "oh well - they forced it " It would of been great to not to of witnesed the hurt and pain. Let him see it. I dont mean wailing and puling your hair out. Just be honest. Your sad .
Creating more ugliness is not the answer. The truth has a funny way of coming out eventually. Act with dignity and integrity.
I am no longer at the friend's place. I have rented my own house, sort of filling it up now, making a new life, slow but sure.
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When H discovered the A I absolutely believed that I hated him and had I remained in contact with the OM that would never of changed.
I think my wife had the same feelings toward me. Revulsion. It was like, just looking at me made her feel horrible about herself. She avoided me constantly.
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The key to it all is to stop her contact. F#$% being friends with him. No such thing when you have shared an A which has resulted in huge changes in your life. Until contact stops with him you cannot make progress.
How do you stop her having contact ? Find some leverage with something. I dont know what. What is she most frightened of losing? You CANNOT use the kids of course. They are off limits.
We are well past this point. Back when I was in the house, I asked her repeatedly to stop the contact, and she agreed, but never actually did. I was reading this forum and it gave me some real insight into the minds of people involved in affairs. I don't know if she was lying to me, or if she just didn't have the self control to keep her promises. Either way, it was not a marriage I could continue with. Now, on advice of her attorney, she has cut off contact with me via a no-contact order, so it is pretty clear which man she chose. She continues to contact him regularly, as far as I know. I have no control over her, nor do I aspire to have any control. I certainly don't want to frighten her or manipulate her or use leverage on her. I only wish her the best.
The funny thing is, she reaches out to me, from time to time. Under the terms of the court order, I am not permitted to contact her in any way. But in some small ways she contacts me, she emails me and tells me things I don't need to know - she is starting a new job, helping a friend out with a seminar, going out of town. None of this is my concern at this point. I am constrained from ever responding, though, according to her no-contact order.
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They say it takes a woman 10 years to get back to a finacial position she was in before the end of her M and it takes a man 2. Dont let yourself be taken advantage of. How can all your pay check go to her?
I appreciate your concern for me. Money is most definitely not a big long-term worry for me. The temporary financial orders are a disaster, but they will not continue. It is a short term pinch for me. Final settlement will include a much more equitable split.
We've squandered our savings on multiple houses (needed two after I moved out), huge attorney fees, and now, losses due to forced sale of the house in a down real estate market. So we will be effectively broke when the divorce is final. We were definitely very upper-middle class, I had a good income, big house in a nice neighborhood, family vacations every year. But we will have ZERO savings after this divorce. ZERO. It's like starting over, right after college.
But I will make more money. I have a good job, good skills, good prospects, lots of contacts. She on the other hand, does not have a job, has outdated skills, and I don't know where she'll get money to live. I can't imagine she's excited about her prospects.
Despite the hardship that faces her, I will contest the financial terms of the dissolution anyway. Not to spite her, but for negotiation purposes. She is withholding something I want - more time with my kids. I am willing to pay her ransom money to get more time with my kids! Money is the only card I have in my hand at this point.
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Another thing which at the time i hated him for was that he (like you ) had the power to expose my full affair. He talks to this day of confronting the OM and exposing everything but I love him for the fact that he as not.
Wanna hear something really odd? My wife herself exposed her affair. Told all our family friends, siblings, everyone. I thought it was a bad idea, I thought it would be harder for her, with that information out there. But she did it on her own, before telling me. I still don't understand why she did that.
There are lots of things I don't understand from that time. I guess I never will.
