Hello! Fingers crossed this weekend goes OK. I plan to give H the tickets to rugby, but tell him that I'd already promised to go to a fundraising dinner the same night, so he should take one of his other friends. I might also suggest that we can do something nice on his actual birthday.
My question is why does H tell me that he would like to date me, but then never actually ask me out on a date!!?! Are my expectations too high? Last weekend I made plans to be GAL busy, in the hopes that it would motivate him to make a date with me this weekend.... H normally is a relaxed, go with flow, laid back kind of guy. But I so wish that he would invest more effort into our R. So I'm trying to give him space to do that, but dont want to come across as standoffish.
This weekend I dont have so many plans. I guess I need to accept H as he is. AAAAAAHHHHH!!
((Kalni)) - thanks for your post and encouragement! I will try and let H be the man! Not sure about the sex thing, feel like its good to make him wait, but just want it to be fun not build it up into a lot of pressure.
((T)) - Thanks for being so excited for me! You are a good friend! So glad you have started a new thread
((One Day)) - I'm honoured that you told your H about me! How funny! You know I feel like I have made so many close friends on these boards, but they dont 'count' cause I cant introduce you all to H! I might mention an 'English chick that I met, who taught me everything I needed to know about fake nipples and socks!'
(((JCJ)))thanks to all who recommended the DB coaching - I'm going to try and sign up for one this weekend,.
((One Day)) - I'm honoured that you told your H about me! How funny! You know I feel like I have made so many close friends on these boards, but they dont 'count' cause I cant introduce you all to H! I might mention an 'English chick that I met, who taught me everything I needed to know about fake nipples and socks!'
Essie, You actually made me laugh out loud! I think I must have missed the socks discussion though!
Originally Posted By: Essie
And thanks to all who recommended the DB coaching - I'm going to try and sign up for one this weekend.
I would encourage you to sign up for three sessions if you can scrape together the money! You won't regret it, and it's a discount! As I said on another thread, I've had six sessions with DB coach Jody so far, and I hope to get together the funds for more soon.
Glad to hear that things are starting to look up for you! You sound strong and mentally "together"!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I hope your possum is ready for some drilling girl!!!
Tell us how it goes with the tickets. I think you made the right decision. Great move that shows how much you care but also no pressure at all since "you have plans already".
Keep us posted K
Asking you out on a date would be very simple and clear and positive and so "non-DAM behavior". These guys are TRAINED to avoid these kind of things....
Can someone please tell me if I have lost the plot? I'm seriously emotional and un-centered and I'm struggling to know what to do...
Friday morning - talked to H about bathroom stuff. Fun conversation, H was helpful and kind. He gave the impression that he would call me later, but I might be reading too much into 'speak to you soon etc'?
Friday night - nothing. I thought he might call with an idea about something we could do together...
Saturday morning - nothing. I send H a text saying 'hey we should catch up sometime, I've got a birthday present for you.' H texts back - 'oohh sounds exciting. I will be out tomorrow so lets stay in touch'. (H saying 'I will be out tomorrow' means 'I will be visiting next door neighbour to go wakeboarding')
My initial though is - I'm the booty call after wakeboarding. I feel like I need to set a boundary now that if H wants to see me, he needs to make a plan, and I'm not the after thought of wakeboarding, just cause its convenient for H to see me then.
Tomorrow is Father's Day, so I will be busy with my family, and given my mood (really teary and upset) I dont want to see H anyway.
I know its bad that I had expectations. How do I get rid of them? Also bad that I'm upset - its not a big deal, but I'm obviously not able to accept that H doesnt really want to see me, and isnt going to make an effort.
Should I ignore him? Should I text him back to say that Sunday wont be good for me? Should I just send him the tickets (his birthday present) in the mail, and go dark for a while?
Thank you so much for your thoughts today on my thread!!!
I am so sorry to hear that you are upset!!! I have some thoughts.... I know you are upset but I honestly don't think that H is meaning to blow you off, i think he is just maybe unconsciously taking you for granted?????
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Friday morning - talked to H about bathroom stuff. Fun conversation, H was helpful and kind. He gave the impression that he would call me later, but I might be reading too much into 'speak to you soon etc'?
SOUNDS VERY POSITIVE
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Friday night - nothing. I thought he might call with an idea about something we could do together...
did you do anything fun on friday, or did you stay free on the chance that he would contact you, and then you were disappointed when he didn't....???
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Saturday morning - nothing. I send H a text saying 'hey we should catch up sometime, I've got a birthday present for you.' H texts back - 'oohh sounds exciting. I will be out tomorrow so lets stay in touch'. (H saying 'I will be out tomorrow' means 'I will be visiting next door neighbour to go wakeboarding')
OK, this is also very positive! the tone between you sounds very open and enthusiastic. But you are makign some big assumptions here!!!! what if he is going out to a... daylight fireworks show to take pictures by himself??? It sounds *to me* like what he is trying to say is, "I'm excited about the gift, I want to spend time with you but I can't tomorrow but let's communicate in the future about a plan."
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My initial though is - I'm the booty call after wakeboarding. I feel like I need to set a boundary now that if H wants to see me, he needs to make a plan, and I'm not the after thought of wakeboarding, just cause its convenient for H to see me then.
I think you are making a big assumption here that you are the booty call after wakeboarding. What if... H wants to make sure he is clean and handsome before hanging out with you, and doesn't have sand in any... special places? what if... he is leaving things open because of the variable sea conditions? there are many possibilites here.
I know that this sucks right now, but honestly I think H probably has NFC that he is hurting you at all.
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but I'm obviously not able to accept that H doesnt really want to see me, and isnt going to make an effort.
what??? when did he say he didn't really want to see you???? didn't he concoct an incredible massive romantic date to take you to cecilia bartoli, like two weeks ago or something? and he said he was excited about the gift??!!
I have a couple questions... did you ever have issues in the past where you felt like he took you for granted and you ended up waiting around??? Is this playing into an older pattern, or is this just a new anxiety?
What would constitute "making an effort" on his part? What would be the smallest increment of that?
My feeling is... I was actually wondering if you should be a little bit MORE available to see him, before I read this post, becuase your weekends frequently sound super packed. But obviously it is good to put interactions with him on hold for a little bit if you are feeling upset.
It sounds like maybe you have specific ideas about what consitutes Acceptable Verge of Reconciliation Husband Behavior... ??? Honestly I know it is frustrating but it is probalby better, from everything I've heard on here, if things move slower??? How can you be comfortalbe with moving slow without feeling disappointed.. like even if it means you don't see each other every weekend???
I would wait a little while until you feel less upset to decide what to do. Maybe he will call on Sunday or something, and you could see him or not see him depending on how you were feeling?? If you expressed interest in seeing him to give him the present and then you just mail it to him instead, that might be a little cold. What date are the tickets for???
WAIT!!! Could you use the trick Julia's coach suggested, like "on Sunday I have two hours before _____, would you like to meet so I can give you the tickets?"
Or maybe you could drop them off at his work or something, like so you'd know he'd be there and wouldn't be left hanging, but also would be able to see him (though briefly)??
Maybe you just need to get your hair really greasy and go to a morning exercise class and work that MORNING MOJO!!!
((((ESSIE)))) hang in there, darling, this is just a little bump in the road!!
I know it is disappointing because you have been making such amazing progress but remember to have patience. I know you want to be his number 1 again but there has been a long period of time since you have been that (and often that woman need to be number 1 is what drives the man away in the first place). Just because he has been more 'open' as it were doesn't mean you are going to sprint back to that position. This isn't like when you meet someone for the first time, it is a different process and I think you are going to have to ride the wave on this one for a while, as frustrating as that may be.
T wrote such an excellent post- I'm not sure how much I can add, except to reiterate not ASS-U-ME-ing anything, and having NO EXPECTATIONS (at all of any kind). I know it's hard- being in touch makes expectations more difficult to avoid. I struggle with it myself.
Did you decide to book a DB Coaching session? I'd highly recommend it.
Give him time. This must be as tricky for him as for you (if not a bit more tricky for him because he has to admit he made a mistake and constantly face his guilt for what he's done). Compliment and support him; hard work for you, but he probably is feeling a bit inadequate by comparison to your gorgeous together hot self (he photographed fireworks by himself?!!).
I would SO love it if you did introduce me to your H as the English girls of socks and fake nipples, although I'm not entirely sure I want that as part of my reputation forever!
I hope you are busy having so much fun right now! I wanted to check up on you and see if you were OK.
I got an email from B and I"d be interested to hear what you think about it, I feel like you're much farther along than me but maybe I am now moving at a pace similar to where you were a few months back??
