I think I am heading to first

[yenko69]

Yes, I should have been done with the conversation early on. The whole episode last week seemed to set me back emotionally a few weeks.

I am sure she will try to drag me into more of the same type of situations. She is a bad victim mentality sometimes. She is also really stubborn. D11 said yesterday that she was worried that her mom was going to end up like my MIL, divorced a couple times and living alone in a falling down house. Interesting that a 11 year old has more insight then a 37 year old.

I need to get to the point that I did with SD16. Let it go and have her live with the consequences of her actions. Leave enough space open to fix the relationship or if it never happens then not worry about it anymore. See what today brings.

[yenko69]

Last night did not get much better. It did just give me more of a reason to let go. W did call me a couple times yesterday about various things. She was going to play softball for another team that was missing a girl and D11 was doing a fund raiser for school.

I worked over there for a few hours yesterday. W got home I was playing cards with D11. I told W that I would take D11 out to my parents while she was playing. Then finished up some things at the house that needed to be done. I really did not want to be around the W. It is somewhere between a growing resentment, pity and wondering why she is so blind to what is going on.

Before I left I said I would meet her at the ball field to take D11 with me. She said that she wanted to be honest and that OM was going to be with her. She did not want me to be mean or nasty about it. I told her then to drop D11 off at a friends garage where I was going to be at. I guess I could have been honest with my feelings and told her f@ck you. Did not seem real like the right thing to say.

I did have a good time hanging with my friends. One of them just got his 68 camaro running. Went with him for a test drive. Reminded me of youth, I do miss the sound and smell of an old car. I just have to get busy and get my chevelle done enough to drive it. We were drinking beer and talking and both thought I should just be done with W. I am starting to agree more and more.

I called W's cousin about fixing some brake lines on a car. I could not remember what pieces I needed. Along with everyone else they agree that she is making a huge mistake and will live to regret it. They don't want to have much to do with my W either at this point. Seems to be a pretty common theme among a lot of people.

[yenko69]

Out of curiosity, is having an affair out in the open different from a secret affair? She does a good job exposing it all herself. Is it harder to bust then affair that someone would want to remain secret?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Out of curiosity, is having an affair out in the open different from a secret affair? She does a good job exposing it all herself. Is it harder to bust then affair that someone would want to remain secret?

This is a great question.

First, "yes," the dynamics are very different when the wayward's circle of influence (friends, family) know at least PART of what's going on. Some of the fantasy has been removed, and it's harder for the influencers to have the "shock value" in trying to persuade the wayward to give up the OM/OW and return to their marriage.

Is it harder to bust up? I'm not sure. I do know that this (potential for "spin", "damage control" and self-exposure) is why I'm not only in favor of exposure, but RE-exposure, and continued personal contact from the betrayed spouse to the wayward spouse's circle of influence.

Remember when President Reagan used to go AROUND the media, and talk directly to the American people? That's what a betrayed spouse needs to do. Do NOT let the person in an active affair "spin" what the relationship is, and isn't, to their friends and family. Even more importantly, don't let them spin YOUR stance on the marriage! YOU have to let people know that you are fighting for the marriage, and remain willing to work on it, and that your only insistence has been the very reasonable one that she end her affair.

Puppy

[yenko69]

It does seem harder that she does not really care who knows. Yesterday I stuck to my guns about the separate accounts.

M: Can you have D11 get her stuff ready befoe I get there tonight,
thanks.
W: Yeah, how much money do I need to put in your account.?
M: Got to look, let you know tonight.

When I got there she was pretty down and defeated about things. She said that she did not have enough money to pay bills. Not real sure what was going through her mind.

Kept D11 last night and she said something about doing something tonight. Said that she was sorry and did not want to make me mad. I told her I was not mad at her and not to worry about it. Poor kid is caught up and can't do a thing about it. I can't either since she is a SD. At least me and SD 11 had a good night last night.

[yenko69]

Worked on SD16's car today to get the brake lines fixed. My W's cousin came down and helped with it. I also had to do some things to SIL's car. I was going to take the round about approach with SIL when I dropped the car off, but W was there when I got the car back.

W brought me back to town, since I had dropped off the vehicles earlier. She said that when the house was sold she was going to move from the county. That she was tired of being the portrayed as the bad person in the marriage. How bad she was treating me, ect. How many people were mad at her. I did say that there were some people that thought I was dumb for not just telling her to f-off and walk away.

She asked if her cousin had said anything about it which he did'nt. She complained about her mother continually harped on her that she was wrong. That I agreed with everyone that her seeing someone else while married was wrong. No denial there.

I deflected alot of it. I was also able to throw in some truth darts before she dropped me off. I told her to stop judging me for who I was. A couple other things came out. When she dropped me off I told her that I did agree with my part in the breakdown of the marriage. She did say that she did respect me enough that she did not go off on people about the problems that I had in the marriage. I told her that I understood where I had my problems and never left the total blame on her about the separation. Never about the affair though.

By the time she dropped me off she was in tears. We did talk about all this for a couple minutes and then she said she had to go. She was breaking down emotionally at this point.

The problem is she is so stubborn as to continue on the path she is on. Maybe to prove just that she cannot make a good decision and feed into her low self-esteem and be a victim. I can see her follow her MIL's path and SD16 is following right behind. It is frustrating that the WAS can be so blind to what is going on.

I am not sure about any hope she will come around. She is so set on her ways. PDT, from reading your former threads I can see how frustrating It can be to love someone so stubborn. My W seems to be the most content when she is the bad person and she cannot make a good decision.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yenko,

Sounds like you handled things very well.

NOP, who was helping me with my sitch and who has personally counseled over a dozen people in infidelity situations, and has studied thousands more, told me once that my wife was the single most stubborn case he had ever countered.
Grrreattt.

Puppy

[yenko69]

I think I am running neck and neck as far as stubborn spouses. It may very well take extreme measures to "wake her up". Just hope it is not to late.

I seen NOP on some threads but not lately. Everyone gives something to someone else. You were a good, sometimes stubborn student, the lessons that you learned were passed on to people like me in the middle of things. That I hope I can pass on to someone else down the line. It is something I will do, no matter the outcome.

[yenko69]

Well it has been a couple days since I have talked to my W. It does hurt not talking to her, but it does help to detach some. Some of the time it is has been rough, angry sad ect.

I am getting more to the point of just giving her the facts and leaving it at that. What is the worst she could do now, divorce me have an affair? I do go back and forth about if I even want her back at this point. I have my doubts if she will even want to come back. I start to believe more and more she is to far gone. There has seemed to be more distance between us.

I did send her a text to have D11 call me. That was about 45 min ago and no response. I have my guesses why. If she is with the girls and OM it should just add a little more pressure. Any good response to this, without the anger.

I saw a guy down at the guards today that I know casually. He plays on the team that my W did the other day when she took OM with her. It did hit the masculine pride in me.

PDT, hope all is going well with you and your family. Read a post on another thread and it sounds like your family is getting along really well. Blessings to you and your family.

[yenko69]

Well I just got my answer about being done. D11 did call and said that they were on their way home from OM's moms. She was complaining about some of the teachers and about getting her homework done. She told her mom that they had been to busy this weekend to get her homework done. While talking to her I could hear OM in the background.

Now there will be a big distance between us. One that I put there. WTF was that BS? As sad as it is it is time to move on and find someone that cares. She can crash and burn on her own.

As hard as it may be it is time for me to find the money and file for D on her. I am sure sooner or later she will realize what she has lost and regret it. I don't even want to use the term "wife" when it comes to her. So much for better or worse, time to bail on this fight. It seems to be a losing battle anyway.