I'm back after a long absence

[123snap]

BH,

I agree that he is depressed. I put out there that we could delay the MC but he wanted to go ahead. If it was the only counseling going on I would be more concerned, but his counselor is pretty good, she pushes him on certain thing, like being honest with his feelings and so forth, I am confident that he is discussing the MC with her, I know that the MC (also my IC) is talking to his IC, so there is communication going on. We may change to an independant MC but will still sign for that person to get info from and to ours.

I think he is D, he is taking St John's Wort, but was inconsistent last week, so he lost ground there, he said he is considering prescription, but I have to let him do it on his own terms, it took him 2 years to take anything. He hasn't slept well all week, and that is making it worse. I will totally honor that and allow him to catch up his rest this weekend, that will help. I am also taking the stance that I need to be up front with my feelings. I told him that I am feeling sensitive today, and so that is part of my mood, he might not do anything different, I don't expect him to, but at least he knows where I am at.

One of the biggest breakdowns was either one of us honestly communicating our feelings, and recognizing what our feelings really were. I am guilty of turning fear and insecurity into anger, because for some reason anger was easier for me to deal with. I am working on identifying where these fears come from, so I can face them, deal with them and not fall into that trap. Of course it doesn't change the past, but that is his deal to get over, because nothing can change it and he can wallow in the past or look forward, it is his choice. I am choosing to work on the future, some of that means addressing issues from the past, but I won't get sucked into the vortex of past hurts, it won't change things. I will work to identify triggers and issues from the past and how not to go there again.

It is funny how sometimes just writing out the anger helps diffuse it. I am not feeling angry now, just scared and hurt. I hope by admitting these feelings I can move past them and get in a better place for me. We are going to the in-laws this weekend and that will be a challenge for me. PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA I need this tatoo'd on my eyelids

adding in here:
I think going and talking out some of the hurts and issues is good because he has not done that, he hasn't felt safe doing that with me, because of my past reactions. He has held a lot of stuff in that I really think he needs to get out there. I also think that me not freaking out, staying in the talk will help build trust that he can share his feelings what ever they may be. Not discussing these has not put us any farther down the road. I only hope by showing that I can deal with the hard topics and that we can learn to communicate on this level, his trust can return and that it will bring some positive feelings along with it. He isn't in a good place now regardless and I think separation or worse would only make it worse for him. I am currently willing to wait it out, even when it is hard and nails. I like to think I am growing from this experience. I am not pushing on the counseling frequency and I am trying to not initiate R talks, although the last night was me, my bad, I am letting him take the lead.

J