Still moving in a positive direction

[frank_D]

To frank....hang in. Stop the analysis. Too much analysis of her day to day actions. You're gonna kill yourself. We'll know your detaching when you talk about your next computer project. It's quite obvious that...down deep...you are looking for and praying for that epiphany. I empathize with you. Let it go for now. I have the same weakness. It's not easy..but you must.

Oh yeah, it is crazy. I'm really not reading anything into it any more. I am so focused on work and kids right now. And I'm learning to be grateful for the fact that I see my kids every day and interact with them.

W is more of a 'distraction' than anything else. I'm kind of doing like you, when she's acting 'nice' I'm nice. When she's acting poopy I avoid her.

She cycles a lot of course, like they all do.

This morning she came to pick up D13 for school. She came in the house early instead of at pickup time. Then she starts making a lunch for D13, feeds the dogs, the birds and other morning chores that I usually do but hadn't done yet (D13 and I just got up)

I was going to say something but why bother? Maybe next time I'll tell her to just stop. It seems petty and it's clear she misses her routines.

One thing though, she didn't make coffee.

[Tamashii]

Dear Frank,

I don't get on here much because:
1.) I don't have anything new to offer and
2.) I keep seeing heartbreaking stories. Yours is particularly heartbreaking to me.
I have now been sober over 2 1/2 years. The last thing I remember W saying during the 'speech' was 'I can't stand the drinking.' (We won't discuss her drinking or the drinking of her friends.)
I don't know if this is your problem, but I know, for myself, if anything else is to happen favorably the drinking must go.
I don't know at what juncture I've entered this dialogue, so if you've heard all this before tune me out.
There are also alternatives to AA if that's not your cup of tea.
There are medications to help with cravings and to help your brain get back in balance. Naltrexone and Campral are two that immediately come to mind. Vivitrol is another http://www.vivitrol.com. There is new science all the time to deal with this. Your life needn't be an endless stream of meetings and whining about drinking.
I know AmyC has spoken to you, but I'm not totally sure what your spiritual beliefs are. I know she was a beacon for me. Regardless, I'd like you to get a little skinny book called How to Save Your Marriage Alone by Ed Wheat. He defines and describes love as Paul discusses it in I Corinthians 13. He goes into depth about agape, or unconditional love. This is where you are. Your love is no longer a feeling. It must be a conscious, deliberate act. What your W says or does no longer has any bearing on what you do. The story of Hosea is also in there. And, that book is where my sig line comes from.
These women must be loved in a way they never thought possible, in a way they never knew existed. This can only happen over time. The only way to do this is to give the circumstances to God. They don't matter. You can't do anything about them anyhow.
Well, enough from me, my friend. Hang in there. You have helped many here, and you are loved and appreciated.

David

[frank_D]

Tamashii,

wow, just wow. For some reason I went and looked at your last thread today. I don't know why, I was just thinking about you I guess.

And here you are. Telling me exactly what I need to hear, exactly when I need to hear it, from someone who has walked in the similar shoes.

Your words carry a lot of weight to me, thank you for taking the time to post to me. I'll get Ed Wheats book.

[SirPrizeMe]

These women must be loved in a way they never thought possible, in a way they never knew existed. This can only happen over time. The only way to do this is to give the circumstances to God. They don't matter. You can't do anything about them anyhow.

Oh yeah!

Once I thought that my vocation, my purpose, my calling, was to be a father and husband, to work, make money, make a safe home, to clean the house and play games with the kids, and to love and kiss my wife. But that all ended. (Except for the money part!).

Sometimes now I get the glimpse in my head, that my purpose has shifted. My calling is now to demonstrate unconditional Christian love. I always said that I truly believed my marriage vows ("I will love you and honor you all the days of my life") and now I am being tested. How far am I willing to take this "I really meant my vows" thing?

There are people who have never seen love, have never seen what love can do. They have seen friendship and companionship, they have seen sex and pleasure and romantic love. But not unconditional, timeless love. They don't even know what it means. Can't imagine that it is even possible. Inconceivable!

I don't know if I have it, but I have seen it, I can imagine giving it, I am working on it.

[Dawn of Hope]

SPM,
Thanks for the wake-up call; I think I needed that. I have been thinking that I need to find it in myself to stop complaining about H to other people, and just stick to the facts and let them draw their own conclusions. I'm not going to pretend everything is fine when it isn't, but I want to work on letting it be peripheral to my life.

I think the real trick here is to find the line between unconditional love and letting people get off scot-free when it isn't for the best...and stay on the correct side of that line. After all (and I sure hope this doesn't start another religion battle!), Jesus wasn't "nice" all the time...there was the bit about him driving out the moneylenders from the temple, for example! When do we demonstrate loving kindness, forgiveness, the "softer" side of love; and when do we show tough love? I suppose no one alive can really say definitively, but I think it is a worthwhile topic for discussion.

Peace,
Dawn

[frank_D]

Today is D13's sleepover party with her friends for her birthday.

I cleaned the whole house with help from D13 and D17. We're very proud of ourselves.

W stopped by while I was mopping with groceries for the dinner she's making for them. She seemed in a good mood and was friendly. She'll be coming by later to make dinner (at D13's request).

I'll be the only parent here for the overnight part of the party. That's a new experience. I half expected W to ask if she could stay over in case they need anything but she didn't.

I feel ok today. I'm pretty sure W is done with the marriage but we're getting along. I just need to keep my distance emotionally so I can keep going.

[spitfire23]

Hey FIB<

Where in AK? Lived there for 3 years when growing up. Air Force Brat. Isn't it God's Country?

Spitty

[fig]

Have fun tonight Frank

and

don't forget to pull a completely embarassing but super sweet dad manuever for her to roll her eyes at with her friends but grin at forever on the inside

[frank_D]

I will, they will be playing video games and watching movies.

I'm going to go our while W is here.

Also decided to get a copy of Dobsons "Love Must be Tough". I had read it 3 years ago but didn't really absorb it. I know it has some good info on setting boundaries, opening the cage. It might help me.

[craig54]

Nicely done Frank, you are slowly detaching.Your wife maybe looking at you differently now.Have fun at the party.