Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

I'm a little reluctant to keep posting here because, while I know the things people have said recently are meant with the best intentions, I feel like I am being judged and told that I better clean up my act if I want to save my M (which I have no intention of doing right now.)

But I do want to journal, so here goes:
This evening the girls were supposed to sleep over at H's, but at the last minute they said they wanted to stay here. Of course, I couldn't say no even though I am hosting D12's slumber party alone tomorrow night and then H is going away for three days and I'll have them.

H stopped by anyway so that we could all discuss some of the things he has agreed to get for the party tomorrow night. The girls and I decided to order Chinese food for dinner, and H was sitting there, so I asked him if he wanted to join us. He said "so I'm invited for dinner?" I said I guess so.

It was so weird, the four of us sitting together eating dinner in my/our home just like we did for years and years. D7 said "I feel weird that you're not married."
Before dinner, H puttered in our garden a bit and then put a flower in a vase on the table. It was a totally fine, chatty dinner. The girls excused themselves and H& I talked a while about someone we both know.

Then he announced that he was leaving, thanked me for dinner, kissed the girls and left.

And that's when I started to hurt again, after DBing totally throughout dinner. I was friendly and pleasant, I sat there trying not to display any emotion as H talked about the various apts he's been looking at (to rent; right now he's in a temporary sublet.)

The thing is, he has always been a nice guy--to everyone--so the flower and the courtesy is nothing special. He did that kind of stuff while he still lived here but planned to leave, and made sure, over and over again, that I knew that nothing he did should give me "false hope."

So even though these things seem sweet and like--wow--baby steps--I find them really confusing. I'd like to have a friendly R with H where we occasionally all have dinner together, but it does leave me feeling awful when he leaves. And now the anger/hurt/pain is starting to build, and I'm feeling resentful that I will be the only adult on duty at my D's slumber party. He seems to enjoy me/us, is kind and even warm--but for him none of that translates into him feeling the "right feelings" that he needed to stay with me.

This is why the constant contact with H isn't good. It's an opportunity to DB, yes, but when he leaves, my sad feelings catch up with me and set me back.