Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Hi HC,
It was really lovely of you to take the time to post on my thread.... Thankyou!

Please don't feel bad about not saying anything "more constructive". I think you do yourself a great injustice here.

I read your post and was literally amazed at how insightful you are. I know we both have insider experience to some extent in some of the specifics of our respective sitch's.
Thanks for the encouragement about the meetings too. One of the difficulties that I face, is knowing that I cannot use pornography as a means of sexual release.
I have never been physically unfaithful, and have never wanted to be. I justified it's use as something "for me" that did not affect anyone else, and as a means for coping with my high sex drive, and being away from my W for most of the week.

I know now of course that it has had profound and lasting damage on my R.

So, it is one of the few things in my life that I can attempt to change, by accepting that I have a problem, and am basically powerless over it.

I stared open-mouthed at your second to last paragraph about step 1 work around my wife. It makes perfect sense, and strangely I think, is very much in line with the DB ethics. About accepting that you are powerless over another person's wishes and decisions. That's why I always chant my mantra about accepting the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

But Hope plays a big part in the ability to fight on when it seems all odds are against you. I don't think that accepting that there are things you can't apparently change precludes having Hope. At any rate, while I know that it's good to cultivate a sense of moving on, gal, etc, I personally feel that I have to hold onto some hope to keep me strong and fighting. Even if on some days, I feel like I'm just in denial and should accept the finality of it all.

I'm sorry that you are also approaching an anniversary too, and too have it coincide with H's trip......... well, bloody hell. That is very painful. You are so strong, and to be respected and admired for your fortitude and dignity. I think it's a wonderful idea to get together some friends and just have a bit of a laugh. That's great.

It's funny, but that quote from my wife had been going rond and round my head since she said it and I've never really had an understanding of what it might mean.
Of course, I know what she's saying and what it looks like she means, but I guess part of my strategy is to try to NOT think about the absolute negatives that she has given me.
Your take on it is, once again, really insightful, and it's absolutely entirely possible that is exactly what she's thinking.
Some time ago, when I realised the extent of her certainty to end things, and with her EA, (or whatever it might be now), I said to her that SHE must want a divorce. At that time, she said it was too soon. It was about 3 weeks ago that she said she didn't want to talk about divorce at the moment, and if she felt it, she would move in her own time. That doesn't feel like she's considering my feelings or state of mind on the face of it. Perhaps I'm wrong, I don't know.

I do think think it's accurate though about her not wanting it to be her impetus. She would feel guilty about that, as up until now, she has placed all blame for our M breakdown squarely on my shoulders. Her inititiating D, would transfer that larger responsibilty and blame to her.

Now here's where I cling to my optimistic streak........

But maybe, just maybe, even though she says she's done, and nothing I have seen or heard to date would prove otherwise, she is waiting to see what happens with us.

Denial, Deluded, impaired thinking?
Perhaps.....

But just for tonight, I'm going to leave here with that optimistic positive premise in my head. It might just help me work harder and get me through another day.
Even if it's Bo£$%&^s.

Thanks so much, thinking of you.
Take care.