Interesting Divorce-Busting themed films.

[hoosiermama]

But when their brains are drunk on hormones, endorphins and everything else that goes with an affair, reasoning with them about what's right isn't going to be very effective I'm afraid. Because they really know what they're doing is wrong, they are just too euphoric to care. So while we're pandering, we're also employing strategies that may be more effective. Maybe.

Hoosier, I agree. It's the most effective strategy, for the most part. I'm just pointing out, that indeed, it's simply a strategy to get their attention in the hope that if they are attracted back, they will come to some form of realization, apology and re-invigoration of their conscience. They need their sanity back.

But their sanity depends on you remaining attractive. Or as we might say, you will have really changed.

And then, of course, you need to keep the home fires burning, forever.

If you look at the forums and chapter of the book entitled, "keeping the changes going" indicate, right or wrong, we will be on the performance treadmill for the rest of our marriage. Yes, marriage is work, but in essence what DB is saying is that it's not held together by a covenant or commitment, but a life-long, mutually satisfying game of "What have you done for me lately?"

I'm honestly wrestling with that at the moment.

I'm deeply hurt and have come to question the fundamental character and goodness of my wife. It's been 2.5 years. So what if I can GAL and attract her back? For how long? Do I want what I see?

There...you have my early morning soul-searching.

Theoden

Sounds painful. I can definitely see where you're coming from.

I've come to see MLC (and probably WAW syndrome) as a form of mental illness. I guess that's how I'm coping with it 3 1/2 months out. It may well be mental illness with some contributions by the enemy. Still kinda working out the details in my head, finding where things fit in a way that makes sense for me and helps me heal. Not that everyone needs to see it the same way--it's just where I am.

And if H ever does come back, those will definitely be the issues I'll be struggling with. How to remain attractive enough to keep his attention, will I ever be able to relax with him and not be on that treadmill, does unconditional love really exist (not in this world), how to keep the home fires burning if I am sick or injured, how do I not be resentful because I need to keep working obsessively for the great privilege of having him in my life. Because at this point I know, without a doubt, that if I don't provide what he needs, when he needs it, even if I don't know he's hurting without it--he could leave again. I just don't see that as a marriage, but more as emotional blackmail I'll have to deal with the rest of my life. If he comes back.

I also know that H has had no difficulty putting his happiness before the needs of anyone else, and feeling entitled to do so. There seems to be no conscience involved, no connecting with prior values on his part. Any appealing to that aspect of things seems absolutely irrelevant to him. Nor does discarding his values seem inconsistent with other goals he has for his life, although it seems obvious to almost everyone else. So what is "right" and "good" is just not absolute in any way for him in this frame of mind, it's simply relative to what feels good to him.

So--for me, if it's not a mental illness or some form of demonic possession that can be "reversed," this is definitely not a person I'd want anything to do with. I'm not sure if this is helpful for anyone else. It just helps me to work it out in writing.